The Single Dude’s Guide to the Hong Kong Sevens

The Hong Kong SevensHong Kong is kind of like the magnifying glass that the fucked-up kid down the street used to employ while incinerating ants. It magnifies all the great and exotic things about China while dispensing with all the extraneous matter that makes China suck.

Bros chugging

In direct contrast to Mainland China, the internet is fast, faster than Charlie Sheen’s hands after a romp around the stable with Mr. Crowley’s white horse. The city is clean. Most importantly, beautiful women from all 190+ UN nations are prowling the streets of Central.

The best time to visit Hong Kong for you, the eponymous single man, is during the Hong Kong Sevens, held in late March or early April of each year. Getting the most out of your Hong Kong Sevens trip and making your international flight and expensive intercontinental trip worthwhile is simple.

Just follow these steps*

1. Bring a Costume… and don’t even think of going anywhere besides the South Stands.

South Stands 18 and older only

The South Stands at Hong Kong Stadium during the Sevens weekend are absolutely wild. Part frat party; part Australian and English equivalent of the frat party, the South Stands is where you want to be if you are unmarried and under 35 years of age.

Costumes are compulsory. Do yourself a favor and get a thoughtful one. Cobra Kai costumes or Hulk Hogan outfits are for the birds and every rando in the stands will be sporting one. For maximum effect, make your costume something thoughtful. It will be your primary icebreaker through the day. It is kind of the equivalent of your LinkedIn account to recruiters. Put your best foot forward gents and make something unique.

The less clothes and simpler the costume the better, it will be hot and humid in Hong Kong. Any costume too convoluted or over the top will have you drowning in your own sweat like a snitch sinking in the Jersey river during the second season of The Sopranos.

Start eating well and exercising now and take care of yourself for maximum effect once you are half naked in the stands with 2,000 other throbbing human beings.

Wes naked

2. Save it for Saturday.

Saturday is when it goes down. The South Stands will be full before ten a.m. Arrive early or be forced to wait in line. Saturday is also when all of the carnage goes down. Don’t chase the night on Friday, don’t go home early Saturday under the pretense of getting ready for Sunday. Rest assured its Saturday or bust at the Sevens.
Friday and Sunday still have excellent parties in the stands, don’t get me wrong- but it is nothing compared to Saturday. After a long plane ride to HK, you deserve to send your time efficiently, you aint got no time to mess around.

Passed out dude

3. LKF not Wan Chai for the after-party.

Although Wan Chai is only one stop away on Hong Kong’s very well developed MTR system, don’t go there. Go to Central and Lan Kwai Fong (universally truncated to LKF) road instead. Yeah, drink prices will be high and there will be tons of DAFFS singing to the chorus of ‘Sweet Caroline’ (talk about cultural appropriation), but you will still have your wallet in your pocket and dignity intact when the sun rises in the morning. Everyone will be out on LKF, even the players from the crappy nations that got eliminated on day one of the tournament.

Guyana is here to party

Anyways, Wan Chai. Wan Chai is the last outpost of Hong Kong’s few girlie bars from the halcyon days; much like Durban was the last outpost of Shaka Zulu in South Africa**. It really exists mostly as a nostalgia act, kind of like Poison or Motley Crue… or any 80s band for that matter.

4. Sneak in some booze.

Hong Kong is expensive and beer at the Sevens doubly so. If at all possible, be like Mr. Burgundy here and sneak in your Ethyl Alcohol. Be inventive. Be shifty. Fight the power.

Sneak in some booze

5. Bring a friend and be ready to talk to anybody and everybody.

Like any situation in life, having a competent wingman at your side and embracing serendipity will do wonders for your situation. Master the art of small talk amidst the din of incredibly loud noise.

Remember, just being in the South Stands itself is very nearly a tacit admission that you are ready and willing to make questionable decisions. Keeping that in mind, bring your charm, manners and Hong Kong Dollars aplenty and you should be alright.

Mermaid chicks

*We at are taking a leap of faith and assuming you can use the internet to book a hotel or that you have a buddy from macroeconomics class who actually paid attention and is working in finance in HK. Use whichever source is more pertinent to find a place to crash for the weekend. Or be prepared to shell out a pretty penny for accommodations. Please avoid staying at the Chungking Mansions during this time.

**Mandatory South Africa shout out as they are a threat to win the Sevens each year.

Connor Frankhouser

Connor Frankhouser is an American expat and the world's only Dallas Cowboys fan who isn't a terrible person. He also wrote this entire bio of himself in the third person.

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