There’s not much that keeps me up at night other than the beautiful screams from the suffering sinners, but I have been losing a lot of sleep lately worrying about what would happen if Hillary Clinton were to be elected President of the United States. She is such an evil bitch, she even scares me.
I know, I know, you are saying, “But Lucifer, you’re the baddest evilest dude out there, why be afraid of that cankled old cunt?” While that is true and I am one bad son of a bitch, my legendary evil comes nowhere near the vicious disregard she has for everything and everyone standing between Hillary Clinton and ultimate power (including me).
People say I am a bad guy. And sure, that may be partially true. But it is possible to work with me. God and I have had a very effective arrangement for millions of years where we divide up the souls of men; I take the sinners and God takes the Mormons. It’s a been an excellent arrangement, and I hold up my end of the bargain by staying down below and making sure to torment the sinners good and hard just as agreed.
I make deals, and I always hold up my end of the bargains. If you want to be famous or rich, come see me and I will make it happen. It seems like a great deal to me, since only the Mormons are going to Heaven, the rest of you might as well be winners down on Earth, right? It worked out great for Donald Trump so far! He’s rich, famous, and has lots of hot wives and daughters.
Hillary Clinton, however, will stop at nothing to achieve her ultimate goal: total domination of Earth, Heaven, Hell, and the Restaurant at the End of the Universe. She has proven time and time again that she will murder, cheat, lie, steal, double cross, lick pussy, or finger asshole to achieve her goals. She would kill anyone including her own husband or daughter if she thought it would bring her one step closer to world domination.
Sure, some of her backers think they have her in their pocket, like Goldman Sachs and their cabal of banker and corporate parasites who have paid this screeching hag over $21 million in “speaking fees” (just in the past two years alone). However, she will happily back stab them them any chance she gets, just like she has double crossed (and often murdered) many former associates over the years. This is a big reason why she is more evil than me: I keep my word.
Hillary came to me years ago asking for a deal but I took one look at her and got a chill up my spine. I chose prudence over profit and politely declined, hoping she would forget about the whole thing.
How naive I was! Blame it on my youth. I know now that Hillary never forgets those who oppose her.
One thing that Hillary would be totally willing to do which should be of particular concern to you Earthlings is to start World War III. In fact, I have inside information that that is exactly the deal she has made with the shadowy rulers of the Earth. They want war, and she has promised to give it to them if they make her President. Trust me Earthlings, Hillary Clinton is the human most likely to start World War III.
Logistically I am very worried about this, because we just don’t have the space for 7 billion more people down here right now. We are building and adding capacity every day but that kind of influx would really take a huge toll on the food and housing infrastructure not to mention the staff! Do you have any idea how much the overtime would cost for the torture department alone if we had to torture 7 billion more people every day?
(By the way, Hell is hiring! Please do send your CV and a brief introduction letter to firstname.lastname@example.org or visit our online employment portal www.hell.org/employment.)
Anyways, after Hillary destroys all life on the surface of the Earth, she will sit her huge ass in the comfiest chair of her underground Presidential bunker, and she will begin plotting her next move. Having destroyed the Earth, it won’t be long until she decides to target yours truly. That thought has been keeping me up at night. I am having this terrible recurring nightmare where she is anally raping me with a big thick roll of razor wire. Normally I enjoy that but it’s much different to be on the receiving end, I now realize!
Earthlings, I am petrified. That evil bitch is absolutely terrifying. Please help stop her now and I promise to go easy on you once you are down here.