Online dating profiles from hell

Fat Chick Kick Line

I just read a bunch of these over on The Private Man’s blog and some of them are absolutely hilarious. They also illustrate exactly how overprivileged and overvalued American and other western women are. Here are some of my favorites along with the commentary of the readers at The Private Man:

whiteboykrispy posts a profile of a girl he rates a 6:

Her summary:

“I suck at relationships. First and foremost. I’m a perfectionist, I’m demanding, and most of all-I’m picky. I’m an analytical chemist and just graduated in chemistry, neuroscience, and biology. Looks like law school after this, but right now? I don’t want to do jack shit. I’m small, but vicious. I don’t take any sass, but I’ll readily give it. I love my friends, but I would sacrifice them any day for my own personal entertainment. ”

Things people first notice about her:

“I’m hot. It happens.”

Her “dating disclaimer”:

“You should message me if: In light of recent events, I felt that perhaps it would behoove me to create a “dating disclaimer” if you will.

*Disclaimer-La’Cee reserves the right to end this date at ANY time during the night. If you are at a location where La’Cee often frequents, she reserves the right to still regularly attend such social occasion-untainted by your supreme suck ass-ness. If this date ends extremely poorly, do not expect La’Cee to a) keep your phone number; b) stay friends with you; c) recognize you at some later date and pretend to be best pals with you. Also, if CoCo does not like you-forfeiture is the best decision for you.

Dating Application:

I verify that I am not:
A) a douchebag
B) a tool
C) sex crazed

I verify that I will not at anytime:
A) comment on La’Cee’s bra size as she is well aware that they are there and they did not pop up over night like “hey, how did these get in here?”…
B) refer to my junk
C) inform La’Cee that your junk is pierced (WTF?!)
D) propose
E) comment that my father is a senator…over and over and over….
F) give La’Cee flowers that she is miserably ALLERGIC to.
G) comment on how extremely super awesome I am…over and over and over…
H) let my dog eat La’Cee’s designer shoes.
I) cry while on the date.
J) Make La’Cee a mixtape including, but not limited to: “Take Me Home Tonight” and anything by Phil Collins.
K) Have a giant pot leaf tattoo right next to my dick.
J) Take me to a dinner at the home of the midwife who delivered you where I then watch her act out your birth story.

Signature: ________________________

That sad part about this is that these are all based on a true story. FML.

Suggestions for additions? Let me know!

Also-there is another girl on here who uses this disclaimer. How lame is she for stealing my facebook note-AND she told me?! Liz Schmid is retarded. Get your own info.”

NMH posts this profile from a woman he describes as 40 and 60 lbs overweight:

“I am full of life, love and happiness looking to share it with someone who will reciprocate the same. I am looking for someone motivated, knows what he wants, and is not afraid to go after it and get it.

I fulfilled one of my life long dreams, and looking to fulfill another. I am not looking to sit back and watch life go by, I enjoy it to the fullest, and want someone that wants the same. I maybe forty, but age is a state of mind, and my mind is set at 30, hahaha. All my cohorts in crime are younger than me and I often forget I am the age I am. I look to be with someone younger than me, someone with adventure and spontaneity. I want to wake up each day elated to be in love!”

Sounds totally reasonable to expect a younger more attractive man doesn’t it?

whitekrispyboy throws out a another gem:

“.:: *hEy! ii’M eMiLy hMm.. i dOn’T kNo wHeRe tO bEgIn!?!? i aM MaJoRiNg iN gRaPhiC DeSiGn aNd MiNoRiNg iN MaRkEtiNg. cOmMuNiCaTiOnS && MaNaGeMeNt .. ii hAvE rEaLLy bLuE eYeS.. i aM a bRuNeTtE.. iM LiKE 5’5.. ii LoVe tO gO ShOpPiiNg.. & mY BiRtHdAy iS oN ApRiL 2o! i LoVe rUnNiNg.. VeRy RaReLy dO i gEt mAd.. mY FaMiLy mEaNs tHe wOrLd tO mE.. ii LoVe LaTe NiiTe hEaRt~tO~hEaRtS WiiTh mY gUrLs.. ii WaNnA dAnCE & KiiSs iiN tHe rAiiN.. i LoVe MuSiC.. fArM gUrL aT hEaRt.. bOnFiReS aRe sAwEeT.. sAtUrDaY mOrNiNg cArToOnS aRe tHa bEsT.. ii LoVe tHe CoLoR PiiNk.. i LoVe rOcKiiN’ oUt.. i LoVe gOiN’ oN rOaDtRiiPs.. i LoVe SnOwBoArDiNg.. iM pReTtY sHy bUt cAn bE LoTtS oF fUn.. LoVe tO mAkE PeOpLe LaUgH.. i hEaRt mY fRiEnDs.. i LoVe tO GoLf.. ii LoVe tO wAtCh MoViiEs wHiiLe CuDdLiiNg.. bEcAuSe oF pAsT ExPeRiEnCeS i FiNd iT hArD tO tRuSt PeOpLe.. i LoVe CuDdLiNg.. wErE nOt iN HiGh sChOoL aNyMoRe sO LeAvE tHe dRaMa BeHiNd.. sTaRbUcKs iS mY PiCk mE uP.. ii LoVe SpRiNg & sUmMeR.. i LoVe hAuNtEd hOuSeS.. i hAvE fUn WiTh eVErYtHiNg i dO.. i LoVe hAnGiN’ oUt WiTh fRiEnDs.. i LiKe tO dReSs~uP aNd LoOk cUte bUt tHeRe aRe sOmE dAyS wHeRe i dOnT GiVe a sHiT.. i LoVe rAnDoMnEsS.. i LoVe tO dO cRaZy aNd sPoNtAnEoUs tHiNgS.. iiF yOu WaNt To KnOw AnYtHiiNg eLsE, JuSt AsK mE! bUt yEa..tHaTs iT! bYeS! ::.”

aNd i gUeSS sHe iS LiKe TotAlLy ReTaRdED ToO!

I think Dd3dd is correct in his assessment that “this one is going to be hard to beat”:

“Things I am:
A WRITER, an artist, an eclectic atheistic solitary Pagan (figure that one out!), a childlike (not childish) soul, an open book, a grammar/spelling nut, a soprano, a 70s baby, a woman of small stature, a blue-eyed light-skinned girl with long blonde hair, an avid reader, a vegetarian, a daughter, a sister, a polyphasic sleeper, and an asexual.

If you know what asexuality is, you can skip this part, but I feel like I should explain “asexual” to those unfamiliar with the term; after all, this is primarily a dating site. I picked “bisexual” because OKC does not give me a better choice, and I am attracted to both sexes the same, which is NOT AT ALL.

I chose “bisexual” because I don’t think “straight” is the default. What is this, heterosexual until proven gay? Ha, no. For me, asexuality is a sexual orientation of “no,” not “no sexual orientation.” It means I have never been sexually attracted to anyone, and I am not trying to change this. It’s a legitimate, mature, somewhat rare orientation, and you can learn more about it at the Asexual Visibility and Education Network, or for my personal take, try my essay about it on my site, swankivy.com or my YouTube series on Asexuality. Feel free to ask questions, but be respectful please.

Finally, I promise I don’t want to make my lack of interest in sex/dating into the point of this profile, but this is important if you are combing my profile looking for romantic compatibility. I joined this site originally for the tests and stayed because the matches really do work for my friendships. I’ve met over fifty nice people in person through this site, and never ended up hanging out with someone who expected to have sex with me. The site’s matching algorithm IS matching me with similar people, and my profile IS attracting those people to me. I don’t need to make it shorter, take my photos down so you’re not so disappointed, or delete it completely. It is getting me in contact with the kinds of people I want to talk to. Maybe that’s you.”

Holey shit! Find more of these eligible bachelorettes over on The Private Man’s Blog




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