Greetings to all from the Southern Hemisphere! I came down to avoid winter and Christmas and instead enjoy sunny summer in South America. Fuck cold weather, I never understood why people would put up with it. Anyway, It’s been a week since I heard any Christmas elevator music or was encouraged to buy anything I didn’t need just to keep the wheels on the US economy, and I’m totally fine with that.
I just spent 5 days in the capital of Uruguay, and I want to report back to Single Dude nation that Montevideo is a shockingly mediocre location for the single dude or frankly any traveler. I was very surprised by this realization, because I thought it would be awesome here. I came to Uruguay with the following thesis:
1. There are lots of reports of model agencies looking in SE Brazil for the next Giselle. The gene pool there is excellent and there are lots and lots and lots of hot chicks there who like to party. But I don’t speak Portuguese (yet) and gringos need a visa to visit Brazil.
2: Whenever I’m in Miami or other fancy club places, the Argentinas I meet are always super hot. However Argentinos, especially from Buenos Aires are snobby.
3. Uruguay is in between the two places, less well-known, and probably cheaper, less snobby, and the same gene pool. I don’t need a visa to go there (like Brazil) and my frequent flier miles will work for that ticket.
Great! Let’s go to Uruguay! It will be the beginning of summer (December) and it will be a cheap place with lots of hot chicks and good weather. I’ll hang out for a while drinking for cheap at beachside bars and picking up girls that are 90% as hot as Adriana Lima.
Here is a picture of Adriana Lima. Imagine walking down the street with a chick with 90% of that hotness. Image buying her a 2 dollar drink at the beachside bar in Montevideo before whisking her off to a tango club and then having coffee the next afternoon on the beach. Sounds awesome, right? Uruguay!!
Wrong, wrong, wrong. Uruguay is not the place for us. Sorry, boys, false alarm.
First of all, it’s not cheap here. Hotels – minimum $30, and you don’t get much for that price. Dinner, two entrees, one appetizer and a bottle of wine – $40, minimum. That would be $15 in Vietnam if you’re keeping score. Pint of local beer at any bar – $4-$5. Cup of coffee – $2.50.
You see what I’m saying. It’s not South Beach or Singapore expensive, but it’s not cheap. Now if everything else were awesome, that would be acceptable, but the roll call of mediocrity is only beginning.
The food, frankly, stinks. It appears the whole Uruguayan populace has pretty low standards for food. Menus are short, and are basically lists of overpriced unseasoned meat or basic cheese pizzas without any flavor. There’s never anything spicy, never anything healthy. If you go to a fancy place, they’ll bring you a giant steak, with some tomatoes and iceberg lettuce ( I never saw anything but iceberg lettuce in Uruguay). That’s fine dining. The Uruguayans will dig in with gusto to a plate of fries covered in yellow cheese sauce, unseasoned. You get it, it’s not a foodie country.
The most jarring realization I had was that the chicks in Uruguay are shockingly so-so. Obviously they are better than the American chicks, but in the bars I went to it was a not uncommon occurrence to see a group of 5 chicks of the right age group come in the bar and 4 of them be completely unbangable, no matter how many overpriced drinks you drank. 5 of 5 also happens. That never, ever, ever in a million years would happen in Bulgaria and it happened several times a night in the “hot clubs” of Montevideo. Their personalities are also like the food, flavorless and dull.
Another complaint I have is that the Uruguayans don’t go out until 1 in the morning at the earliest. I’m used to this phenomenon from having lived in Eastern Europe but there the party is awesome and there’s hot, smart, fun chicks everywhere. In Uruguay the party starts even later, but then it’s just a loud club with a bunch of mediocre chicks, nobody really partying much except for Brazilian tourists (the one saving grace of Montevideo nightlife) playing shitty Latin pop. If you want to take a girl home you need to survive until at least 6 am, and who has the energy at 6 am after a night in a loud club to do a good job with some mediocre dull chick? Every night I’d have a mediocre chick into me at 2 am but I just didn’t have the energy to sit there for the next 4 hours waiting for her. I must be getting old or something.
But the weather is nice in Uruguay, so it’s a good place to sit out at cafes on the beach and relax, right? Wrong. There is some law or something prohibiting bars or cafes on the ocean, so the entire ocean walk, called “La Rambla” is basically abandoned. There’s some joggers and some bums hanging out there, but no place to chill out, work on your laptop and drink coffee while looking at hot chicks in bikinis. On the Black Sea, there’s great beach bars everywhere. Montevideo? Almost none.
At this point I started feeling like I was taking crazy pills. Luckily, Uruguay has one major positive, which is the drug policy. Weed is tolerated there for personal use and is readily available, and not too expensive (Update: Weed is now legal in Uruguay). It’s blocked up with horse piss or something equally foul smelling so it’s not pleasant aromatic herb, but it does the job and the cops won’t give you a hard time for it, so that’s one bonus to Uruguay. Other than that I say learn from my mistake and never bother with this place, unless you’re getting paid well to go there.
Hotspots: In Pocitos at the intersection of 26 de Marzo and Herrera there’s some decent bars. Burlesque, Pony Pisador, Lotus and some other club. And in Ciudad Vieja (“Old City”) there’s a bar street with some options. Expect overpriced beers, shitty Latin music, and more fat chicks than even Raul could shake a stick at. Enjoy, bros.
If you liked this article check out our latest on Uruguay here.