The shocking lack of integrity at Columbia University

Low Memorial LibraryCharlie’s recent article about the astoundingly low quality yet astronomically high costs of today’s higher education reminded me of something a friend of mine told me about Columbia University. Columbia University clocks in at number three on the list of most expensive universities with annual tuition of $56,310. As if the outrageous cost were not enough Columbia University is currently engaging in a shocking and appalling grading fraud. Their grading policy is so egregious that I felt an open letter to the frauds at Columbia University was in order.

Dear Academic Frauds,

I was recently told by a friend of mine who attends Columbia University, that during the orientation for one of your master’s degree programs the incoming students are being terrorized by your faculty with the claim that they will not be able to graduate with less than a 3.0 GPA.

This in and of itself is quite shocking because as we all know, back when schools used to have some integrity in the grading process, the grades of a given class more or less represented a bell shaped curve. “A” represented excellent, “B” above average, “C” average, “D” below average and “F” failing. Assuming a reasonable sample size there should be at least a couple of students falling into each of those categories with the bulk receiving a “C”, that is assuming the professors are grading with integrity. I think we both know that it is a mathematical impossibility for more than 50% of a given class to be “above average”. I think we also both know that there is no way Columbia University could retain their outstanding reputation if they failed 50% or more of their students. This shocking lack of integrity in your grading process leaves me speechless.

Unfortunately, the truth is even uglier. After terrifying the students by telling them they need a 3.0 to pass, they were also told not to worry because everyone in last year’s class passed. I would have expected that even the clowns currently running Columbia University would be able to recognize that it is a mathematical impossibility for 100% of the people in any given group to be classified as “above average” as compared to that same group. How then can you allow such egregious intellectual dishonesty to take place under your watch? I find this to be a great example of the never ending decline in the quality of American higher education. I am not expecting a response, but honestly this is a new low, really. You should be ashamed of yourselves, you are academic frauds.

Sincerely yours,

Boris Smirnoff
World Traveler and Guy That Calls People Out on Their Bullshit

Perhaps what these arrogant, fraudulent pricks are really trying to say is that they think all of their students are “above average” as compared to others. However, this is not the purpose of grading. Grading is supposed to rank you against your peers. If a university is going to engage in this type of a bullshit policy why grade at all? Why not just hand over the degree as soon as someone passes the application process? What Columbia is saying with last year’s grading record is that you basically need only to show up, have a pulse and you’ll get a B or better. It’s not just Columbia that is engaging in this incredibly intellectually dishonest grading policy, my own master’s program was quite similar. Even the most retarded people in the class got high C’s or low B’s. Nobody failed. It’s no wonder the US is filled with such a disproportionate amount of idiotic losers these days – they’ve learned from our “finest” educational institutions that there is absolutely no penalty for being sub par. Thank you so much for teaching this valuable lesson to our students along with the concept that it’s perfectly fine to lie and cheat. That’s exactly what assigning an entire graduating class a 3.0 or higher grade is – lying and cheating. Fuck you Columbia University, you represent the absolute dregs of society.

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