The lights lower in the house.
The anticipation mounts.
Pan past woman with huge fake breasts; worried look on face.
Pan past woman with huge fake breasts again… just for good measure.
We go to the stage. Our presenter Lenny Kravitz begins…
“Ladies and Gentlemen, now it’s time for the big one. Our First International Douchette Award is a special award that is presented to a woman that deserves it. Her constant douchettebaggery is an absolute thing of art.”
The winner is… Michele Bachmann!
Pan past huge breasts again…
So where should I begin on this douchette? Well for starters, who is this chick?
Michele Bachmann is a member of the U.S. House of Representatives from Minnesota and most recently a candidate for the Republican nomination for President. Bachmann even just won the Iowa straw poll by a whisker over Ron Paul which is kind of a bullshit early poll that politicians fight tooth and nail to win due to the state’s early primary and lobbying money.
Bachmann is also married to a dude who thinks he can cure gay people from their affliction through therapy and prayer, but check him out…
I mean, what a closet case that guy is! Definitely that queer is nobody’s “first dude”. I can only imagine the wild lights off once a decade for procreation only sex they must enjoy. I’m sure he has to think about oiling up Burt Reynold’s facial hair for a good ol mustache ride to get it up with a woman.
But having a closeted queer beta husband isn’t enough for this award. The thing that puts Bachmann over the edge and makes her the outright winner of this prestigious award is her mouth. She really says some stupid shit!
”(Gay marriage) is probably the biggest issue that will impact our state and our nation in the last, at least, thirty years. I am not understating that.”
Oh yeah? Well, what about two wars, America’s impending financial collapse and depression, Kurt Cobain’s suicide, and Rebecca Watson being accosted in an elevator? Aren’t those worse?
“But we also know that the very founders that wrote those documents worked tirelessly until slavery was no more in the United States.”
Hmmmmm….. Wasn’t slavery abolished 80 years after the Constitution was written when all the Founding Fathers were long dead.
”[Pelosi] is committed to her global warming fanaticism to the point where she has said she has even said she is trying to save the planet. We all know that someone did that 2,000 years ago.”
Maybe, but I thought Jack Bauer did that every year?
”If we took away the minimum wage — if conceivably it was gone — we could potentially virtually wipe out unemployment completely because we would be able to offer jobs at whatever level.”
Hell yeah! Why does everyone deserve at least $7.25 an hour? I mean these people are already working full 8 hour days for $58 flipping burgers at McDonald’s You can make more on unemployment. And they think they deserve more? The balls of these minimum wage workers!
”I don’t know where they’re going to get all this money because we’re running out of rich people in this country.”
Not exactly. We are actually running out of Middle-class, who pay a huge share of the taxes.
”I find it interesting that it was back in the 1970s that the swine flu broke out under another, then under another Democrat president, Jimmy Carter. I’m not blaming this on President Obama, I just think it’s an interesting coincidence.”
I knew that Obama was up to something. And I love bacon too…
“The President of the United States will be taking a trip over to India that is expected to cost the taxpayers $200 million a day.”
Yeah, well, that is a huge lie.
“Under President Bachmann you will see gasoline come down below $2 a gallon again. That will happen.”
You will not have that power as President and any ‘drill baby drill’ ideas you might have will only lead OPEC to curb production to keep prices high. You just are such a stupid bitch.
As you can see, Michele Bachmann might be a little crazy and have some misinformation rolling around in her head, but the thing that really wins her the First International Douchette Award, known as ‘The Fisty’, is that she wants to take these ideas and ran them down the American people’s throats along with the rest of the world. Her unwillingness to compromise on anything does not show character. It shows lack of intelligence.
So, You, Michele Bachmann, are hereby selected as Ms. Douchette 2011!!!!
Camera pans back past the huge breasts… and….. scene.
By the way, there will be a celebration afterwards. Please bring a guest, especially if he is your gay wingman. Also, prepare for massive amounts of tea-bagging.