Guest Post: Hank Hedgehopper’s Hard and Awesome Fitness Plan

Conan The BarbarianLet me introduce myself. My name is Hank Hedgehopper and I am a FFB (former fat boy).

“Maybe I have bad genetics?”
“I must have a thyroid problem.”
“Maybe my insulin sensitivity is bad?”
“I think all that plastic in the Weight Watchers containers are leaching chemicals that are giving me my huge man-tits?”

Fuck that. I didn’t take responsibility for my self and all of the horrible things I was doing to my body. Traveling around the globe, eating and drinking whatever I wanted was destroying me from the inside out. And now I’m pissed! I spent the last week wandering around Mexico and haven’t done jack shit. Not a pushup, a pull-up, or even a fucking jumping jack. All I’ve been doing is walking around trying to find the hottest women in between shots of first-class tequila.

Now I have to go back to the very philosophy that changed turned me from a FFB to a total bad ass. If it looks hard and awesome, do it. If it looks like your mom can do it, put it aside until you hit menopause.

The Training rules of being Awesome:

There are gyms everywhere. Go in, squat, bench press, deadlift, and press. Power lifting is hard and awesome everywhere.

No gym? Pushups, pull-ups, bodyweight rows (look it up), dips, box jumps, body weight squats all work. Kids playgrounds work amazingly well but try to keep your shirt on, fat boy, because parents won’t look too kindly on you doing shirtless lunges while smiling at their children. I have even been know to grab a heavy rock, find a hill and throw the sucker as far as I can (in as many ways as possible) and sprint after it. Sounds hard and awesome, right?

Lastly, conditioning. One of the greatest and most masculating things you will ever do. Use the golden rule (see the bolded statement above) and make it happen. Do hill sprints, run stadium steps, push a car. Those are NFL player awesome. Long runs are for pussies.

Need to drop some weight? Do the above 4 days a week and add push-aways (push the fucking plate away, dumbass!).

I’m off to push the prowler (look it up, awesome) but I will leave you with a quote from one of the great dude movies of all time, Conan the Barbarian (with a bit of altering): “The secret of Awesomeness has always carried with it a mystery. You must learn its riddle, Frank. You must learn its discipline. For no one-no one in this world can you trust. Not men, not women, not beasts. This you can trust.”

Now get off your ass and go get working on being awesome. Do it.

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