The Single Dude’s Guide to Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia

Petronas TowersKuala Lumpur, Malaysia, known locally simply as “KL”, is a pretty strange place to think of for single dude travel. It’s definitely a weird place. It’s Asia, it’s infernally hot and humid all the time, it’s Muslim, and the people here are from a totally different part of the gene pool. If you come here expecting business as usual you’ll be in for a rude awakening, but if you just go with the flow it’s possible to have a lot of fun here.

First thing you need to keep in mind in KL is that Malaysia is a Muslim country. That is the source of a lot of the cultural issues and drawbacks of the place. 70% of the Malaysian population is native Malay, and the majority of them are Muslim. For them Muslim law, or Sharia is in effect. That means, no drinking, heads are covered for women, and other weird things like “Islamic banking”.

Islam is also responsible for my least favorite fact of life in KL – high drink prices. Since the Muslims don’t drink, the government jacks up the drink prices. It’s basically a foreigner tax. If you go to a club, expect to pay upwards of $10 for a mixed drink. Whenever you go to Malaysia be sure to pick up a couple bottles of your favorite poison at duty free on your way in.

Stay away from the Malay girls. Sharia makes it technically illegal for a girl to be in a room alone with any man not a family member or her husband. Frankly speaking the average Malay woman is pretty heinously ugly and retarded to boot, so you’re not really going to be missing much. Lucky for the single dude, KL (along with Singapore) is the business center of the region, and people from all over the region are there. It’s a smorgasbord of hot chicks from all parts of the world, something I hadn’t really given much thought to before I came. You can expect to find:

Correction: I’ve been back to KL a couple times since I wrote this and I have to say I’ve changed my mind about Malay girls. There’s a lot of cute nice Malay girls so I now say go ahead. Just stay away from the ones with headscarves.

Chinese:  25% of the Malaysian population is Malaysian Chinese. The Chinese here get treated like shit by the Malay controlled government and have many legal roadblocks to success, yet due to their work ethic and the Malay laziness and retardation they are the most successful people in KL. The girls are often surprisingly hot, dress great, and are super easy to pick up, just keep things really simple because English is quite bad in KL. Just smile and don’t try to get too philosophical.

Indian:  Another smaller local population is the Indian population. There are some super hot Indian girls walking around, although many are fat with bad skin. Their English is better than the rest here and Indians are very outgoing. The Indians love to party and are well represented in the clubs.

Vietnamese:  The majority of the hooker population is comprised of super sweet super hot little Vietnamese girls from super poor backgrounds coming to the big city of KL to try to make something of their lives. This does not always turn out well and these girls are often very badly treated, get kidnapped, beaten, and sometimes simply “disappeared”. A very sad story, but these girls are super sweet and the hottest in SE Asia in many people’s opinions.

Iranian:  There’s a bunch of super hot Persian girls in KL due to the fact that Malaysia is one of the very few countries that does not require visas from Iranians. The Iranian girls are well represented at the clubs, and are recognizable by their makeup, fake boobs, and hot clothes. A very good choice, and not at all what you would expect from the American media’s portrayal of Iranians. The Iranians in KL also tend to be quite affluent, so yes, that’s probably a real Fendi bag.

Saudi:  Saudi women are recognizable by their horrible black burkhas and their fat slob husbands walking ahead of them a couple of paces wearing flip flops, shorts and ratty t-shirts. Best to avoid this train wreck.

Aussies:  Australians are well represented in SE Asia due to their close proximity. However I do not highly recommend Aussie girls as they share many of the same drawbacks as American girls and those from other Western countries. The guys are also often drunk douchebags or DAFFs who think getting black-out-drunk and smashing someone over the head with a pint glass is a fun night.

KL is a great destination, but you have to know what you’re doing in KL. Do not show up and expect things to go the way you’re used to. First, Malaysia has a very strict drug policy including the death penalty for drug traffickers. Do not try to take drugs over borders involving Malaysia, even just to Singapore. Generally speaking the drugs in Malaysia are home produced, which means bad weed and good X. But be careful and know the people you get involved with when drugs are concerned.

In addition to all wonderful exotic smorgasbord of women available to you in KL, it’s also relatively cheap to stay – KL has the cheapest 4 and 5 star hotels in the region. The food is a nice mix of all the regional cuisine, with lots of great Chinese, Indian, Thai and Indonesian influences. It’s easy to get to and relatively safe. So where to go once you’re there?

The most famous bar in KL and maybe in all of Southeast Asia is the Beach Club.  Situated at the end of Jalang Bukit Bintang and just a stone’s throw from the Petronas Towers, the bar is filled with hundreds of super hot Asian girls, especially mouth-wateringly beautiful Vietnamese girls. And they’re so friendly too! The reason: nearly 100% are prostitutes. For a very reasonable sum they are available to take home – as long as they like you, of course. We at Single Dude Travel do not recommend prostitution; leave that to the fat old ugly guys. But the Beach Club has a great band, it’s a great party, and it’s super fun to hang out there and watch the carnage.  An absolute must for tourism purposes.

Also one of the things I like about the place is that they don’t let the ladyboys in the club, so you can be pretty confident when drunk that that hot Thai girl doesn’t have a spring roll waiting for you under that miniskirt. Be careful right outside, though, they’ll be waiting for you as soon as you leave the club.

Be careful with the ladyboys in KL. They are much less common than they are in say, Phuket, but word is that they are bagladies for the local Chinese Mafia. If they approach you, be polite, and get away from them. You don’t want none of that shit, Dewey.

I was drinking at a bar in KL recently and I met a whole bunch of US Marines who lived in KL protecting the US Embassy. When I asked if there was anywhere they weren’t allowed to go in KL, they said there was only one, which was a bar in Chinatown. The reason was that recently a couple Marines were in the bar in question, and I’m sure there was a good bit of drinking involved, and some ladyboys approached them. Or maybe the other way around, there was definitely the “fog of war” involved. Well as you imagine things got bad quickly – I would guess the ladyboys didn’t take the first no as an answer – and the Marines kicked the shit out of them. I tell you what, the only time I wouldn’t take the Chinese Mafia’s side of a bar fight would be if there were Marines on the other side. So ladyboys, be warned: when drunk US marines tell you to quit grabbing their balls, I’d quit if I were you.

Moving on to places to be more of a normal person, there’s a lot of great options. If clubbing is your thing, Zouk is the place, with multiple clubs and lots of hot chicks, go on the weekend with your crew and get bottle service.

Another club survival tip in KL is that at the club the bottle service is often the smartest way to survive financially. Often buying a $100-150 bottle of vodka can get 6 people into club without paying a 15 dollar cover each, and then at $10+ a drink after that, you break even on the first round of drinks. Another nice thing in KL is if you’re at the club and you don’t finish your bottle they will write your name on in and give you a ticket to redeem it next time you go. Nice!

The after party is at a place in Asian Heritage Row called Desire. Bottle service here is a must. It is filled with lots of beautiful girls, as well as plenty of people you want to steer clear from, so tread lightly here. I went here with my favorite Bulgarian girlfriend and a Danish friend and his outrageously hot wife and we partied first at the downstairs bar (last call 5AM) and then upstairs at the after after party club (9AM).  Everything was going great, until my Bulgarian beauty was dancing on a little stage and I took a picture that had some random dude in the margin of the photo. Within seconds, a bunch of Russian Mafia guys pulled me over to the bar and demanded that I delete the photo immediately in front of them. After that they were glaring at me all night, so we eventually just bailed at 7AM before shit got worse. Anyway, keep your wits about you.

If the club scene isn’t for you, KL has another really nice option of rooftop pool, bars. There are shitloads of skyscrapers in KL and they are building more all the time.  Many of these are hotels, and several have fantastic rooftop pool bars. Cover can often be high, as well as the dink prices, (welcome to KL) but the girls are top shelf and the views are amazing. My favorites are Luna on the Pacfic Regency Hotel and the Sky Bar on the roof of the Trader’s Hotel.

The Sky Bar

The Sky Bar

If regular bars are your thing, check out Chancat Bukin Bintang.  Not to be confused with he Jalan Bukit Bintang of the Beach Club, Chancat is a smaller lane with lots of smaller bars. I go there most often to Pinchos which has the right floor plan and is always full of classy international chicks. Maybe you’ll prefer a different place.  Just walk down the drag and see what fits your flavor.

KL is a great place to follow El Matador’s advice and go to the mall. The Petronas Towers have a mall downstairs called KLCC which always has hot chicks in it, with outdoors restaurants out back and a huge food court upstairs. The problem is that KLCC is the Malaysian, Islamic-owned mall, so there are too many Saudis and ugly Malay girls there. My favorite mall is The Pavillion, which is Chinese owned and super ritzy. There’s a inside-outside drag with lots of bars and restaurants, and the Starbucks there always has Russian models sitting around on their laptops skyping their friends complaining how there are no real men in Asia. Go to it.

Boris adds:

It’s been four years since Ive been to KL but this is exactly as I remember it. Charlie nailed it!

Charlie Bushmeister

Call me Charlie. I decided to join with others to write this blog because I feel that I have learned a lot about how to succeed in life in general. It took a lot of trial and error and I've developed a wealth of philosophies, skills, and tricks of the trade that would be very useful to like minded guys out there. There's no need to repeat my mistakes, of which I have made many, instead I urge you to read this blog, absorb and practice its lessons, and then go out and have the most awesome life, on your own terms. To me that means good health, success in your career, the number and type of relationships you want, and general satisfaction that you're not wasting your life spinning your wheels, but going forward always towards your goals.

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