Single Chick Dating Advice for the Ladies

Insane ChickFor the ladies: logical things you SHOULD already know about dating: If you’ve made a habit of being irrational, it’s a problem. Not because it doesn’t “work,” although it doesn’t, but because it’s making you unhappy. So, please, just give this a shot.

Disclaimer: This is not a list of things you should do to get a guy. This is a list of things you should do in order to be content with your love life and stop being a pain in everyone else’s ass.

1. Don’t be competitive with other women.

There will always be other women who are more beautiful and charming you. When you hate on them it says a lot more about you than it does about them.

Don’t get cranky about your guy commenting on attractive women, be celebrities or just some random girl. If he does it a lot, he’s either a douche and you should leave him or he’s secretly gay and you’re his beard (and you should leave him). But the occasional comment is not a big deal and almost all men make them from time to time.

Salma Hayek is hot shit and when your boyfriend casually mentions this, he is stating a fact. Don’t argue with facts. It just makes you seem ignorant.

Salma Hayek

Salma Hayek is hot shit.

2. Don’t be “that girl” at the bar.

There are a lot of “that girls” at bars: bitchy girl, crying girl, slutty girl. Not sure who I’m talking about? Let’s head into a bar and I’ll point them out to you…

At the door, we find bitchy girl. She’s the one yelling at the bouncer, “You know, I work down town, where the bars are actually cool and we never wait this long to get in. This bar totally sucks.” Doesn’t she seem like fun?

Crying girl is the one whose face is covered with mascara. She keeps saying things like, “I just don’t know what’s wrong with me” and, “I just try so hard to be sexy for him. How was I supposed to know it was his weekend with his daughter?” You got her? Good.

Slutty girl may be hard to spot right now because she just took the asshat in the Roethlisberger jersey into the bathroom for a quick fuck. Do you see the poor sap holding a purse and a vodka cranberry, intensely scanning the crowd? That’s her boyfriend and she’ll eventually find her way back to him to get her drink (after she readjusts her skirt).

Girls, you’re better than this. Your drunk self should be a relaxed, slightly less inhibited, slightly goofier, and perhaps slightly louder version of your sober self. If she’s not, then you should probably consider a new drug of choice because drunk you is pissing everyone off. Or you could just address the underlying psychological issues that are causing you to behave so absurdly while under the influence. Your choice.

3. Don’t attend activities that you know you’ll hate.

There are few things more irritating than getting excited for an event only to have Debbie Downer come along and bitch about being there, especially if you spent money on it. This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try new things, but if a guy asks you to join him for an activity and your first thought is, “I want to do that about as much as I want to sit next to a crying baby on a flight to Pittsburgh while bees sting my entire body,” then you shouldn’t go because you will not have fun.

Just let him have his fun and only join him in the activities that you’re not going to suck the life out of.

This one is definitely a two-way street. Don’t make him watch anything starring Katherine Heigl (except Knocked Up) and don’t get yourself into situations where you’re asking the fitting room attendant if she has a chair for your boyfriend.

4. Don’t use sex as leverage.

So remember how sex is fun? Well you’re ruining it when you make jokes about how you’re going to stop giving head because he never takes you out to nice restaurants… and then you actually cut off his fellatio stream. You’re ruining it when you don’t let him touch you in bed just because he didn’t finish that awful broccoli casserole you made for dinner (just because you spent hours on it doesn’t mean it tasted good). And you’re definitely ruining it when you accuse him of not wanting you just because you made out with his neck during the second overtime and his eyes stayed glued to the TV.

Sex is something that you do with someone who you enjoy doing it with. It’s not supposed to be a power struggle or a source of leverage. If it has become those things, then your relationship totally sucks and you should end it.

(This also brings up a point that may be very important, depending on the guy you’re dating. Respect live sports. Here are your options when a guy is engrossed in a live game: watch the game, give him a blowjob, or leave and have some quality time to yourself. Don’t get competitive with competitive sports for your man’s attention. If he stood in front of the TV and farted during the royal wedding kiss, you’d be pretty pissed off now wouldn’t you? Well when you interrupt live sports with your needy girl bullshit, you’re farting all over his fun. Stop it now!)

5. Don’t have sex to fill an emotional void.

Let me get this straight, you think that by putting out he’s going to like you as a person? Do you also think the used car dealer actually thinks that the ’94 Camry was made “just for you”? Putting aside the glaring issue of self-respect, this is just flawed logic. Men want to have sex with women. That doesn’t necessarily mean they want to talk to them, date them or marry them. Sex is fun when both parties are comfortable, so take responsibility for yourself and make sure that your expectations match reality.

94 Toyota Camry

This car was made for you? Yeah, you and every other broad with 1200 bucks…

6. Don’t yell.

Yelling is one of the stupidest things you can do. When you’re screaming in a guy’s face, I guarantee that he’s not thinking, “My, she certainly is making a valid point. I wonder what other great insights she has to convince me to change my behavior. I think I’ll keep listening so that I don’t miss any more of these gems.”

No, he’s thinking, “DAMN, this bitch is menstruating HARD.”

In case you’re not convinced, let’s take a look at how ridiculous yelling looks from an observer’s perspective:

(Who else loves the part where she yells, “the anal sucked!”? Classic!)

Is your stupid point really worth looking like this? Furthermore, when you constantly behave like a three-year-old who just got kicked out of Disney World, it’s equivalent to telling your boyfriend “Oh, we don’t communicate like grown ups here. We yell. Preferably in public.” This just isn’t a precedent you want to set.

7. Say what you mean.

Passive aggressive, manipulative women get nowhere in life. (Or they get to…) The easiest way to get what you want, assuming what you want is reasonable, is to just ask for it.

Dear Travis

Travis’ girlfriend Sarah is a complete psychopath

Dear Travis,

You should break up with Sara because she’s passive aggressive and batshit crazy.


Beating around the bush doesn’t achieve anything and doing it intentionally to mess with a guy’s head is cruel. Just say what you mean. It’s as ridiculously simple as that.

8. Learn how to apologize.

I told you not to yell like 30 seconds ago, but you just went ahead and did it anyway. Damnit, woman! Luckily for you, we’re not totally screwed here. But now it’s time to apologize for being a psycho-bitch. If you do it right, you should be able to smooth things over pretty quickly. So here’s the plan: you’re going to own your behavior and you are not, under any circumstances, going to bring up any external causes. If you find yourself saying “I’m sorry, BUT YOU…” then you’ve screwed up your apology. Now enjoy your make up sex and don’t be a psycho-bitch again.

9. Don’t wait around for a guy like the ones in the movies.

Romantic comedies are silly and fun, but they’re movies and they should not provide your template of what men should be like. Frankly, most of the things that the men in rom coms do would be considered creepy and/or pathetic in real life.

Say Anything

Say Anything: This guy would only get the girl in a movie. He was insane!

I mean seriously, the dude in Never Been Kissed falls for a girl who he’s believed is his underage student just because she liked Shakespeare? Creepy? Yes. Pathetic? Yes. I know the story is cute because she’s actually a reporter working under cover and then he kisses her on the baseball field and blah blah blah. You know what’s a lot more realistic than that story? A sad, creepy teacher falling for a student who is actually underage and then losing his job and having to tell his neighbors that he touched children every time he moves to a new house.

Or what about the dude in 10 Things I Hate About You? Not Heath Ledger, the other one – Joseph Gordon Levitt. He hires Heath Ledger to date the one sister so that he can tutor the other sister and then go whack off to her in the dark. And he decides he’s going to do all this before actually talking to her. He’s completely pathetic and a little obsessive, if you ask me.

You don’t want a guy who does grandiose things to gain the affection of a woman he doesn’t know, so don’t wait around for one. They may seem romantic in the movies, but they would probably have restraining orders in real life.

10. Have confidence!

You’re great. That’s why guys should want to date you… right? Oh, you don’t think you’re great? How exactly were you planning on convincing anyone else that you are? This simply won’t work.

Have confidence. I know it’s totally cliché, but it’s also totally true.

Well there you have it. Remember ladies, dating is fun and men can be completely delightful. Just relax and let things happen. If it doesn’t work out, life goes on. There are plenty of fish in the sea. Enjoy the swim!

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  • Lola

    Whoa the assumptions and generalizations! how sexist is this article… don’t get in the way of a man and live sports… “give him a blow job or leave”, and assuming that girls are immature, crazy emotional and enjoy watching brainless crap and engaging in materialistic activities and guys are not? Why are attributions of such irrationality made to only the female sex? Personally i believe that most people need to smarten up, regardless of gender.

  • Dood McMan

    BTW: Salma Hay-Sack is not hot. She’s a fake-chested “KILL WHITEY!” bean-tard who’s goal is the destruction of America & the extermination of the white race – just like most Mexicans =) Think I’m making it up? Check into her ‘politics’. & I mean really – like America has a shortage of MEXICANS?!?! =)) Now THAT’s comedy. WTF U can get a Salma clone in Lost Angeles 4 like $10. & don’t pretend it ain’t true. She’s nothing special, & they will hump N E white stud just trying 2 trade up from their fellow trash. STAY AWAY! =D EEEK! U really wanna’ breed with THAT & turn the place even more 3’rd world? SHAME on U!

    • You’re being a total douchebag.

      • Annie

        I really, really love this comment. Perfect response.

        • Did you see his hate mail?

          • Annie

            Yes… Didn’t he accuse you guys of being racist?

          • Yes and I am having trouble figuring that one out… on one hand he called me Russian, then he accused me of not wanting to bread with my own race, then he called me whitey hater… After having been to Russia I have to say that 95%+ of the population looks pretty white to men…

    • My new favorite troll. Let’s give this guy a guest post!

      • Make him work for it.

    • Also, I would do everything to Salma Hayek. You don’t like Mexican girls, fine, more for me.

  • Dood McMan

    This article should never have been written. N E so-called ‘woman’ who needs 2 read an ‘article’ on how 2 treat a man like a human being is just muddying the field with more garbage dyke trash ‘American’ junk pretenders trying 2 cash in. NO! Please, girls, if U don’t know how 2 treat a man, PLEASE DO NOT CHANGE! =) N E 1 worth being with already INSTINCTIVELY wants 2 B good 2 their partner. They don’t have 2 read up on it or ‘practice’. Don’t do us N E ‘favors’. Don’t ‘act’ like U care. Say what U mean: U R freaks of nature – selfish 2 the core. Stay away from us real men & telegraph your hatred with extra zeal so we know who 2 avoid! =D Do not smile @ us, say ‘hi’ or N E thing of the kind. Just watch your Oprah & get your ovaries tied or whatever & do the Earth a favor. TAKE YOUR AZZ OUT OF THE GENE POOL PLEASE!

    I am not going 2 sit here & tell N E 1 how a real woman should ‘behave’. Real women already KNOW, & NOT because somebody told them how. Fake is just bull$hit. We don’t really like fake plastic implants, & we don’t really like being lied 2 – with this INSANE ‘how 2 B attractive 2 men’ krap.

    • Annie

      I’m not a doctor, but I believe they tie the fallopian tubes, not the ovaries. Here’s the wikipedia article if you’d like to further educate yourself on the matter- I certainly wouldn’t want you to seem stupid or misinformed :):

      • No WAYZ, they LIKE tie DEM Ovaries. U R so DUMB! HAHAHA! LOL @ U!

  • ashley

    im so sad that youre taking these assholes side annie. are you really a girl?

    • Annie

      I am indeed a girl! Also, I’m sorry that’s the message that you took away, because it really isn’t about taking sides. Of course I don’t condone men being assholes and of course I recognize how douchey some men can be (I have dated, after all…) However, I also recognize that although I can’t help it if a guy wants to act like a douche, I CAN control how I act. When I wrote this, I tried to consider all of the things that women do that lead us to have low self-esteem, dysfunctional relationships, and feelings of inadequacy. I think that by suggesting that women stop behaving in ways that make us miserable, I am actually supporting other women in their pursuit of happiness, rather than opposing it and “taking the assholes’ side.” I know it’s not presented in a sugar-coated, wrapped-in-warm-hugs, straight-from-a-puppy’s-mouth manner, but I still think that underneath the sass it’s some decent advice.

      That said, I don’t claim to be an expert, just a woman navigating her way through the dating scene and trying find some smiles along the way. If you have specific criticisms, I’d love to hear them. 🙂

  • Valentino

    Far and away, I think my favorite thing about this blog is how it’s all anonymous. Nothing says “manly” or “mature” like hiding behind cute pseudonyms! I’m just assuming that “Annie” is really “Boris” or “Charlie” or “Raul,” who are more than likely all the same person.

    • Well, we have other lives and in order to keep our journalistic integrity we decided to have noms de plume, so our professional lives would not be compromised by our private opinions. That seems more mature than running one’s mouth publicly. Like Mark Twain, George Orwell, Stephen King, etc. Plus I don’t want every girl everywhere I know to know what I really think. I do live in America half the year and still prefer to get laid while I’m there.

      • Richard

        I understand your reasoning but if it is only the first name, it would be unlikely to implicate you in anything (unless it is really unusual).

    • Annie

      I’m going to take this as a compliment. Boris, Charlie, and Raul have solid writing chops which is why I read and enjoy their blog. To have anyone assume that my writing could be secretly coming from one (or all?) of them is definitely flattering. Thanks!

    • Where’s your blog? The bottom line is if we are anonymous we can be more honest and we can cover more topics. There is a lot of shit I write on here that would probably damage me financially if I didn’t stay anonymous. We’re four different people, but I’m flattered that Annie is flattered that you mistook her for me.

    • Just kidding. You’re right, we’re all the same person… sort of anyway. You see I have split personality disorder and I’m kind of sensitive about it. I wish you wouldn’t make an issue out of it here.

    • Lena

      Oh, who cares if its anonymous. This blog has 150 something Twitter followers and a grand total of 30 facebook fans. Their writing, if it is done by multiple people, which I doubt given how similar the writing is from author to author, just reveals the owner to be a bitter and angry person. Big whoop. Why would someone happy with their life write the drivel found here?

      • I’m very happy with my life! I’d say most of our writers are, because we’re living life the way we want to. Are you?

      • Lena, will you follow us on Facebook and Twitter? As you correctly recognized we are very desperate to have more friends and follows. Thank god I had that hot 22 year old Bulgarian girl’s shoulder to cry on last night. If I didn’t I think I might have become suicidal. Agonizing over our lack of Twitter and Facebook followers has become somewhat of an obsession for me. Do you have any advice? I’m so unhappy. 🙁

      • Annie

        Let me be a smartass and answer your question with a question: why would someone take the time to read and comment on something if they think it’s drivel? I can’t speak for the guys, but when I write I try to produce something that readers will enjoy. So with all due respect, if you’re not enjoying it then don’t read it. I’m sure you can find something that you DO enjoy reading somewhere on the internet.

  • David

    You forgot the very most important advice: DON’T GET FAT!!!

  • I agree great post. Shouldn’t “Don’t whine“ be on there somewhere? 🙂

    • Annie

      Yes, I actually think it should be a universal rule for everyone over the age of 8… Do we have the power to enact a law to that effect? 😉

  • Lumiere

    Nice post.

    I would also add – don’t try to make him do stuff that you know he will hate.

    Especially not watch sex and the city. That show is for chicks. I know it. You know it.

    When a sex in the city movie comes out DO NOT ask us to take you to it. If you do ask, and we say no – which we will unless we are pussy whipped freaks of nature – then do NOT try to insist we take you.

    Remember, we are guys. When guys say ‘no’ it does actually mean ‘no’.

  • M

    I love it, Annie. Very well put. I’m certainly not saying that guys are perfect, but what you’ve written really levels the playing field for all, men and women. I’m looking forward to reading more of your posts. Thanks! M

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