Single Chick Dating Advice for the Ladies

Insane ChickFor the ladies: logical things you SHOULD already know about dating: If you’ve made a habit of being irrational, it’s a problem. Not because it doesn’t “work,” although it doesn’t, but because it’s making you unhappy. So, please, just give this a shot.

Disclaimer: This is not a list of things you should do to get a guy. This is a list of things you should do in order to be content with your love life and stop being a pain in everyone else’s ass.

1. Don’t be competitive with other women.

There will always be other women who are more beautiful and charming you. When you hate on them it says a lot more about you than it does about them.

Don’t get cranky about your guy commenting on attractive women, be celebrities or just some random girl. If he does it a lot, he’s either a douche and you should leave him or he’s secretly gay and you’re his beard (and you should leave him). But the occasional comment is not a big deal and almost all men make them from time to time.

Salma Hayek is hot shit and when your boyfriend casually mentions this, he is stating a fact. Don’t argue with facts. It just makes you seem ignorant.

Salma Hayek

Salma Hayek is hot shit.

2. Don’t be “that girl” at the bar.

There are a lot of “that girls” at bars: bitchy girl, crying girl, slutty girl. Not sure who I’m talking about? Let’s head into a bar and I’ll point them out to you…

At the door, we find bitchy girl. She’s the one yelling at the bouncer, “You know, I work down town, where the bars are actually cool and we never wait this long to get in. This bar totally sucks.” Doesn’t she seem like fun?

Crying girl is the one whose face is covered with mascara. She keeps saying things like, “I just don’t know what’s wrong with me” and, “I just try so hard to be sexy for him. How was I supposed to know it was his weekend with his daughter?” You got her? Good.

Slutty girl may be hard to spot right now because she just took the asshat in the Roethlisberger jersey into the bathroom for a quick fuck. Do you see the poor sap holding a purse and a vodka cranberry, intensely scanning the crowd? That’s her boyfriend and she’ll eventually find her way back to him to get her drink (after she readjusts her skirt).

Girls, you’re better than this. Your drunk self should be a relaxed, slightly less inhibited, slightly goofier, and perhaps slightly louder version of your sober self. If she’s not, then you should probably consider a new drug of choice because drunk you is pissing everyone off. Or you could just address the underlying psychological issues that are causing you to behave so absurdly while under the influence. Your choice.

3. Don’t attend activities that you know you’ll hate.

There are few things more irritating than getting excited for an event only to have Debbie Downer come along and bitch about being there, especially if you spent money on it. This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try new things, but if a guy asks you to join him for an activity and your first thought is, “I want to do that about as much as I want to sit next to a crying baby on a flight to Pittsburgh while bees sting my entire body,” then you shouldn’t go because you will not have fun.

Just let him have his fun and only join him in the activities that you’re not going to suck the life out of.

This one is definitely a two-way street. Don’t make him watch anything starring Katherine Heigl (except Knocked Up) and don’t get yourself into situations where you’re asking the fitting room attendant if she has a chair for your boyfriend.

4. Don’t use sex as leverage.

So remember how sex is fun? Well you’re ruining it when you make jokes about how you’re going to stop giving head because he never takes you out to nice restaurants… and then you actually cut off his fellatio stream. You’re ruining it when you don’t let him touch you in bed just because he didn’t finish that awful broccoli casserole you made for dinner (just because you spent hours on it doesn’t mean it tasted good). And you’re definitely ruining it when you accuse him of not wanting you just because you made out with his neck during the second overtime and his eyes stayed glued to the TV.

Sex is something that you do with someone who you enjoy doing it with. It’s not supposed to be a power struggle or a source of leverage. If it has become those things, then your relationship totally sucks and you should end it.

(This also brings up a point that may be very important, depending on the guy you’re dating. Respect live sports. Here are your options when a guy is engrossed in a live game: watch the game, give him a blowjob, or leave and have some quality time to yourself. Don’t get competitive with competitive sports for your man’s attention. If he stood in front of the TV and farted during the royal wedding kiss, you’d be pretty pissed off now wouldn’t you? Well when you interrupt live sports with your needy girl bullshit, you’re farting all over his fun. Stop it now!)

5. Don’t have sex to fill an emotional void.

Let me get this straight, you think that by putting out he’s going to like you as a person? Do you also think the used car dealer actually thinks that the ’94 Camry was made “just for you”? Putting aside the glaring issue of self-respect, this is just flawed logic. Men want to have sex with women. That doesn’t necessarily mean they want to talk to them, date them or marry them. Sex is fun when both parties are comfortable, so take responsibility for yourself and make sure that your expectations match reality.

94 Toyota Camry

This car was made for you? Yeah, you and every other broad with 1200 bucks…

6. Don’t yell.

Yelling is one of the stupidest things you can do. When you’re screaming in a guy’s face, I guarantee that he’s not thinking, “My, she certainly is making a valid point. I wonder what other great insights she has to convince me to change my behavior. I think I’ll keep listening so that I don’t miss any more of these gems.”

No, he’s thinking, “DAMN, this bitch is menstruating HARD.”

In case you’re not convinced, let’s take a look at how ridiculous yelling looks from an observer’s perspective:

(Who else loves the part where she yells, “the anal sucked!”? Classic!)

Is your stupid point really worth looking like this? Furthermore, when you constantly behave like a three-year-old who just got kicked out of Disney World, it’s equivalent to telling your boyfriend “Oh, we don’t communicate like grown ups here. We yell. Preferably in public.” This just isn’t a precedent you want to set.

7. Say what you mean.

Passive aggressive, manipulative women get nowhere in life. (Or they get to…) The easiest way to get what you want, assuming what you want is reasonable, is to just ask for it.

Dear Travis

Travis’ girlfriend Sarah is a complete psychopath

Dear Travis,

You should break up with Sara because she’s passive aggressive and batshit crazy.


Beating around the bush doesn’t achieve anything and doing it intentionally to mess with a guy’s head is cruel. Just say what you mean. It’s as ridiculously simple as that.

8. Learn how to apologize.

I told you not to yell like 30 seconds ago, but you just went ahead and did it anyway. Damnit, woman! Luckily for you, we’re not totally screwed here. But now it’s time to apologize for being a psycho-bitch. If you do it right, you should be able to smooth things over pretty quickly. So here’s the plan: you’re going to own your behavior and you are not, under any circumstances, going to bring up any external causes. If you find yourself saying “I’m sorry, BUT YOU…” then you’ve screwed up your apology. Now enjoy your make up sex and don’t be a psycho-bitch again.

9. Don’t wait around for a guy like the ones in the movies.

Romantic comedies are silly and fun, but they’re movies and they should not provide your template of what men should be like. Frankly, most of the things that the men in rom coms do would be considered creepy and/or pathetic in real life.

Say Anything

Say Anything: This guy would only get the girl in a movie. He was insane!

I mean seriously, the dude in Never Been Kissed falls for a girl who he’s believed is his underage student just because she liked Shakespeare? Creepy? Yes. Pathetic? Yes. I know the story is cute because she’s actually a reporter working under cover and then he kisses her on the baseball field and blah blah blah. You know what’s a lot more realistic than that story? A sad, creepy teacher falling for a student who is actually underage and then losing his job and having to tell his neighbors that he touched children every time he moves to a new house.

Or what about the dude in 10 Things I Hate About You? Not Heath Ledger, the other one – Joseph Gordon Levitt. He hires Heath Ledger to date the one sister so that he can tutor the other sister and then go whack off to her in the dark. And he decides he’s going to do all this before actually talking to her. He’s completely pathetic and a little obsessive, if you ask me.

You don’t want a guy who does grandiose things to gain the affection of a woman he doesn’t know, so don’t wait around for one. They may seem romantic in the movies, but they would probably have restraining orders in real life.

10. Have confidence!

You’re great. That’s why guys should want to date you… right? Oh, you don’t think you’re great? How exactly were you planning on convincing anyone else that you are? This simply won’t work.

Have confidence. I know it’s totally cliché, but it’s also totally true.

Well there you have it. Remember ladies, dating is fun and men can be completely delightful. Just relax and let things happen. If it doesn’t work out, life goes on. There are plenty of fish in the sea. Enjoy the swim!

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