Always be your team mate’s biggest fan

The TeamYo everyone, ¡Raul! here! I am back. Let me first apologize for my absence and let everyone know that midget tossing in a brothel while doing ecstasy is illegal in Bolivia. Just note it.

Anyway, back to the matter at hand. I was watching what was going down with this Bin Laden thing and the first thing I thought to myself was, “Man, these guys are total badasses, and they have each others backs, no matter what.” Helicopter crash? Whatever. Not sure if you are getting out alive? Oh, well. Knowing that every other dude there is your biggest fan are right by your side. Priceless. While I won’t equate going into a bar and slaying chicks with your mates to going into Pakistan and killing the biggest douche out there, I will say we can all learn from their team ethics.

When you are out with your boys, there are a few things to always remember. He is your boy and no chick that night should cloud you enough to forget that. If a chick you are talking to ever disparages one of your boys, you must correct her immediately. Let her know what the situation is. A man who doesn’t waffle on his allegiances is much more attractive than a dude who just changes his whole opinion on life just for the chance to bang some skank. If you stick up for your mate in front of her, you hopefully can avoid the road Kurt Cobain and John Lennon took. You don’t ever want manipulative bitches. Ever. Never. It does not matter how hot she is. It’s not worth it… unless you double team her whilst making sure her mouth is filled at all times. Always let the chicks know that she will not change your opinion of your Team. They are your Team. Period. Important: Great players win scoring titles. Great Teams win championships.

Next, if Charlie is doing well with a chick, which is almost always, or if Boris is holding court with ten wide eyed models hanging on his every word, which is almost always, go say hi. Make sure when you go up to your team mate, you talk to them first. Ignore their target(s). Have a brief conversation lasting no more than ten seconds. Let your boy introduce you. This is the point in which you give the chick a taste of how awesome your team mate is. He would not be on your team if he wasn’t. It’s easy. Tell them a brief story about the time he got you out of trouble with the Bolivian police. Or tell them about the time that he won the Italian Grand Prix. Or the time his movie won a prize at Cannes. Does it all have to be true? Well, not always. Maybe your team is lame and you need some help. Not my team, but hey, we all have to start somewhere. Most of all, just convey that this guy is one of the guys you would go into that compound with, because you know even if you can’t see him, he is right behind you.

Most importantly, don’t just give stats. “He has this many women,” “He has been this many places.” That’s ESPN shit. You want to be telling personal stories and giving compliments, much like a local sportscaster with a real relationship to the athletes would. Remember this is not impersonal. Show that you know this dude and how awesome he is. This will lead her to want to know more than the stats. This will draw her in and want to become a fan of your team. She might even buy a team hat.

Now, remember, if you are ¡Raul!, you should probably get back to that 5’10” Ukrainian Olympian that just bought you a drink. Mustn’t leave her waiting too long. You have a pole for her to vault.

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