I hate you hipsters. You make the world a worse place. Every time I go out and I see all you losers sitting there at the bar with your shitty attitudes and bad fashion sense I just want to grab your Pabst Blue Ribbon bottle and start beating you over the head with it. I know, that will ruin your ironic haircut and that would be such a shame, but at least you’ll write a shitty Emo song about it later.
Worldwide hipsterism is on the rise. It is ruining entire countries and making single dude travel destinations like New Orleans much much worse. France is all hipsters. This movement must be stopped before it spreads everywhere like genital warts at a West Virginia family reunion.
So what is a hipster? Like pornography was famously described by Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart, it’s difficult to describe but you know it when you see it. The irony about hipsters’ irony is that they are one of the most conformist segments of society today. There is a uniform:
2. Ironic facial hair. You motherfuckers have ruined mustaches for everybody. I used to think a mustache was cool and something I’d wear when I was a badass 50-year old, like Burt Reynolds or Billy Dee Williams, but you 28-year old unemployed trust fund hipsters have ruined it for everybody with your waxed handlebar mustaches like you just walked off the set of some Coen Brothers western movie.
3. Skinny jeans. What the fuck is wrong with you dumbasses? I don’t know a single chick who is attracted to guys that show frailty. I know being in shape is totally uncool for you faggots but why would you highlight what a weak ass pussy you are by looking skinnier than the Olsen twins?
4. Ironic vintage clothing. When I was living in Austin, which today is a world capital of hipsterism, I’d occasionally go into the vintage stores to try to pick up chicks and was astounded at the prices being paid for stupid vintage clothing. Like 50 bucks for some Atari t-shirt or Wonder Woman style shorts/underpants. Hipster girls have the absolutely worst bathing suits in the world, outside of the Saudi Arabian burkinis. News flash girls: you look awful in vintage bathing suits bottoms that go up to your mid-waist and show nothing but your pasty white skin and your shitty tattoos.
5. Tattoos. You can’t be a hipster without a tattoo that shows your individuality by being exactly the same as the tattoos of other 200 people in the hipster bar.
6. Stupid hats. So people pretty much quit wearing fedoras when Humphrey Bogart made his last movie, until the rise of hipsterism. They are best for covering up the bald spots of 30-something hipster dudes who work at some coffee shop and spend the whole of their day looking down on the “conformists” with real jobs who come in for a little caffeinated pick me up.
7. Smoking. Haven’t you dumbasses heard that smoking is bad for you? I know, I know, you don’t care. There’s no better way to look like you’re totally bored by everything and everyone in the world than to sit around with your self-rolled cancer stick and roll your eyes at every suit that walks by.
8. Shitty haircuts. It is quite an art to get your hair just right so you look like you went on an all night drinking binge and then slept in an alley in your own vomit. Congrats, guys!
Ok, so now we know what a hipster is, let me tell you why I hate them. Hipsters suck. The most obvious characteristic of hipsterism is being too ironic and cool to actually like anything. They define themselves by what they’re not. Just try asking a hipster what they actually like. I was at a hipster bar in the States recently and talked to two separate hipster girls who somehow didn’t realize I wasn’t on their side. After saying a bunch of ignorant shit like, “this is bullshit, that’s conformist” etc., I asked them, “what is cool and not bullshit?” Both of them (2 separate conversations) were at a loss to answer this question, and both after thinking for a minute said, “Well, I like to sleep.” So lame.
Hipsters like to pretend they’re individualist and non-conformist, but they’re actually the most image conscious people in the world. Hipsters spend most of their time hanging out in places where everybody else has the same uniform and worrying that they’ll be exposed as the frauds they are. They are terrified of this and I theorize that’s why they’re so unfriendly to outsiders.
Hipsters have no social skills. They can basically not relate to anyone outside of their peer group. Just try going up to a hipster girl and saying, “Hi! How are you?” Most often she will not be able to handle the situation at all. Hipster girls can’t handle just being nice or polite and will mostly likely respond to normal friendly behavior with socially inept stuff like just turning away or saying rude shit for absolutely no reason.
One Saturday night in Austin Raul and I were hanging out at a hipster bar high on mushrooms and this hipster guy at the bar had the classic “Mom” tattoo.
So I say to him (remember that I was on mushrooms),
“So do you really love your mom, or are you just being ironic?”
“Dude, my mom died, dude.”
“Oh , I’m really sorry to hear that. That’s good though that you got the tattoo to show how much you love her.”
So after a while this guy staggered off and the very next person to come stand there at the bar was a not-very-hot hipster girl with ironic footwear and the exact same tattoo on the same arm! Me:
“Hey, the last guy standing there had the same tattoo as you! Isn’t that funny?”
(With extreme disdain) “So?”
And with that she walked over to the other side of the bar to order her drink.
Hipsters pretty much have shitty taste in everything, especially music. It’s in the hipster code that you can’t like anything that is popular. You ask a hipster what their favorite bands are and I guarantee they will say it’s somebody you have never heard of. You know who will say they don’t like the Beatles? Hipsters. What the fuck? The Beatles for hipsters are The Strokes. That is as famous of a band as they are allowed to like. I also like the Strokes, but the hipsters worship them.
Fuck you guys. I can’t even imagine what you hipster guys do when you get a woman. Do you cry sensitively after making sweet hipster love for 60 seconds or do you just start writing your Emo song in your head for when she dumps you for being such a pussy? And hipster girls, do you really think your poetry doesn’t suck balls? Get a life and start thinking for yourselves, you losers. And get a haircut. And a job. Fucking hipsters.