I am a womanizer.
Some people like fine wine. Or cinema. Art. Literature. Extreme sports. French cuisine. Classical music. Yoga. Guitar Hero. I also like those things. But for me the finest pleasure in life is ripping some hits on the vaporizer and spending time with a charming beautiful woman.
Now Charlie, you ask, why can’t you find one woman and settle down with just her? Isn’t that enough? To that I say: How would you like to go to the same restaurant for every meal for the rest of your life? Even if it was the best in the world that would be ridiculous. Variety is the spice of life. Some times I want spicy Mexican tacos, other times fine French pastry. Thai curry. Sushi! Thin crust Italian pizza. Dim sum. Every now and then even a Big Mac really hits the spot.
Same for women. I love them all. A classy professional girl. A cute rock chick with tattoos and piercings. An artsy literature type. A cute hippie in a flowered dress. A tough sister from the South Side. A little club girl on E. A sporty rock climbing hardbody. And what’s wrong with doing a little coke off the ass of a trashy stripper every now and then?
So I don’t know about you but I certainly enjoyed Raul’s description of how he makes love to a beautiful woman. I picked up a few tricks from that that I tried out on the girl that’s here with me at on this beautiful beach in Malaysia where I’m writing today. It totally worked, of course, Raul’s very good at this and I see the puppy dog eyes that his girls look at him with.
But Raul tends to lead these poor girls on a bit. Whenever we go anywhere too long when we leave there’s always a couple sobbing heartbroken girls crying about how much they love Raul and how their lives are never going to be anything but a pale imitation of the bliss they briefly spent at his side. It’s heartbreaking and I don’t know how he sleeps at night.
So I do things differently. I really like all my girlfriends and I want them to be happy. I try to avoid leaving such a trail of destruction behind me. It’s not nice and it’s unnecessary. So without further ado I present my rules for successful and humane womanizing.
Rule number 1: Wear a condom 100% of the time.
You have to be retarded if you don’t understand this rule. First of all, you open yourself for a shitload of trouble if you don’t wear a rubber. Look where you’ve been. Now just imagine all the girls you wanted to fuck in your life but didn’t. All the nights you were horny and didn’t get laid. Right. That’s a lot! A whole lot. OK, now realize that hot chicks can get laid anytime they want. Every time they go out, every night, everywhere. That hot clean looking girl who just agreed to go home with you right after meeting you has done this before. Think about it. You just don’t know where she’s been. Look at where you’ve been. Would you have unprotected sex with you if you knew what you’ve been up to? Imagine that times 1,000. So wear a rubber.
Plus you don’t need to be spreading your seed overseas unless you really plan on taking care of that kid. A lot of foreign cultures have different ways of dealing with that sort of thing, but you definitely do not want to be impregnating Latin American girls. They will have that baby, and the whole village will hunt your ass down if it’s a more old-fashioned place like Lake Atitlan in Guatemala. Wear a godamnn condom. I have programmed myself so that no matter how drunk I am I put that shit on. I really sleep better at night because of it.
Rule number 2: Always be nice to your girlfriends.
If you’re a grown up, put together, successful confident single dude you’ll realize that there is never any reason to be anything but nice to your girlfriends. It’s pretty difficult to be 100% nice when you’re with only one girl, in my opinion. In that case, every little personality issue that you don’t totally love about your girl feels like it’s chained to you. When you have multiple non-exclusive girlfriends it’s much easier to overlook those little slightly annoying things because you know you won’t have to see her again for a while. I’ve had girlfriends that talked too much, ones that were a little stupid (but cute) and ones that got belligerent or obnoxious when drunk. But I never gave them a hard time for it or criticized them, I just smiled and thought about how listening to their stupid stories all night would make them so happy to return the favor with something really fun in bed. Just be nice and make them feel good. It won’t hurt you a bit.
Rule 3: Don’t be jealous.
This one seems quite reasonable. I don’t know why some guys think that when they have more than one girlfriend they have any right to be jealous, but that’s some completely unfair bullshit. It’s also stupid, because if you get jealous of her it will give her permission to be jealous of you. Be fair and let her have the same freedom you want.
Rule no 4: Be honest from Day One.
Now there’s womanizing, which is very good, and there is being a player, which is not. The difference is honesty. If you’re up front with your girlfriends and don’t lead them on, it’s much more likely you will avoid breaking hearts like Raul. It’s just immoral to have multiple girlfriends that think that they are your one and only. So just be honest with them, explain that you are not going to be exclusive and let the chips fall where they may. I have a standard first date speech for a new girl that goes something like this:
“So I’ve tried the whole long-term monogamous relationship thing before in my life, and while I can do it, it doesn’t really make me as happy as being single, which I really enjoy. I don’t have any plans to have kids either. I’m not jealous and I don’t think one person can provide everything for another person. I’m also a total stoner. So if you are trying to settle down soon and get a house in the suburbs and start popping out kids, I’m not the guy for you and we should probably just get the check and go our separate ways.”
Believe it or not, it actually works when given with 100% confidence. Women are sick of being lied to by guys who are pretending to want a relationship when really they are just trying to bang a bunch of chicks. So be different. Be honest. That way she knows from the beginning what she’s getting and can make an informed decision about spending time with you.
Rule no. 5: Rock her world
So according to my girlfriends, most guys really suck in bed. That’s one of my greatest selling points – I don’t. I pay attention to what makes a girl respond and I make sure to give a good effort every time. If you are really nice to a girl and give her mind-blowing orgasms she will always be happy to see you even if you’re not her exclusive boyfriend. Good sex for women is the best drug, and she will be addicted to you if you rock her world.
Rule no 6: Be discreet
The great thing about womanizing is spending time in and out of bed with multiple gorgeous women. It’s not telling your friends about it. Even if it’s a good story, the hot Bulgarian Chalga girl you just had speaking in tongues while laid out on the kitchen table does not want to worry about you telling everybody about it. The greatest fear for women is being considered a slut. So keep your mouth shut. A nice way to show a woman you’ll be discreet is if she asks you about other women in your life answer, “A gentleman does not kiss and tell.” Some of my girlfriends have “boyfriends” and they trust me to be discreet. That’s why they keep seeing me, because they trust me.
So there you have it. Follow these rules and you will be like a fat American tourist at the Vegas buffet. Have a taste of that spicy tuna roll, a bratwurst, breakfast tacos, some Belgian mussels and French fries, a banana Nutella crepe, and some soup dumplings. Wow, I’m getting hungry!