If you are like most American guys, you only know how to speak English and at that, really not very well, the truth be told. Your grammar is probably a disaster and you don’t even know it. I’m not getting on my high-horse on this one or anything as my mother is a proofreader with a whole wall of English reference books and she squirms when I speak as I make untold errors in form and structure. In fact, I’m not saying anything, I’m just sayin’. So, now that we agree we all suck at even our native tongue, we can now move onwards like Vikings to explore new lands and massacre the languages found in those places. That’s right, I am telling you to open your mouth and absolutely slaughter them using only the 6 words you learned from the stewardess who kept offering you more tiny bottles of scotch on the plane ride over. It will be hilarious to the girls who have no idea what you said as they admire your big balls for getting in way over your head without shame. Forget Rosetta Stone, fuck Berlitz, don’t even think of attending an 8 week class. Four years of undergrad French has never once produced a person who could speak it upon graduation. It’s a huge scam and everybody is ashamed to admit it. Demand a refund. If you are on this website, you clearly aren’t the studious type, you are a caveman in clothes who wishes you were spreading your seed across continents like Ghengis Khan (presently, there are 1.2 miliion living decendents from this legend of mayhem).
The only way to learn to speak a language is to open your mouth and struggle and listen to others, just like you did as a kid. Your brain intuitively puts it all together as it fights for comprehension. The only reference book you need is called the Sleeping Dictionary. That is, a girl who speaks practically no English who you can roll over in your bed, wake up and ask “How do you say ejaculation in Portuguese?”. The fact that you two have attraction gives her infinite patience for your colander-like brain. She will look in to your eyes and help you pronounce things and you will remember them because she has big tits. It’s context that gives meaning and memory.
THE LANGUAGE BARRIER IS A BEAUTIFUL THING.
An advantage, really. It is a wonderful thing to be understood by your woman , it’s even better not to be understood by a woman because if she did, she would realize you just want sex with her and possibly her sisters too. The language barrier is magical, allowing two people who have no business together to carry on like it’s love. It allows the woman to project untold dreams, desires and fantasies on to her blank canvass of a man with whom she has no actual communication. So, look forward to being in that baby-talk infatuation state with whomever attracts you the most. It will take weeks before she finds out what you are really like, maybe all summer. Hell, you might be gone by the time she does. Remember, everything in meeting girls happens in your “presence,” the way you look in to her eyes. It has nothing to do with the words you choose.
Did I mention that language classes are complete bullshit? They always spend weeks teaching you the absolute stupidest words like
pencil, vase, horse, and useless phrases like “Our company is focused on customer satisfaction.” If you follow my advice, you can be fluent in a language in 3 months.
El Matador’s Unabridged Dictionary of the English language defines fluent as:
Fluent (Floo-ent): The ability to have sex with girls as a result of speaking their language.
Based on that definition I’d say you can be fluent in 3 days in many languages.
There you have it, if you faked it in Italian with a girl but but ended up waking the neighbors with her screams of pleasure, you’re officially an Italian speaker. The real vocabulary and phrases you need to learn immediately (after you get down 5-10 major slang terms) is as follows:
Extra-large condoms, 12 pack (you may have to first search several pharmacies to find the right clerk to use this effectively)
Do it now
I want ____
Who the hell cares?
Do you know you I am?!?
I’m big in Japan
I love you
I miss you
(Now translate the above in to 4 languages on www.babblefish.com)
Fuck grammar. Fuck the Germans use of articles der, die, das. Just take a wild guess, you have a 1 in 3 chance. If you miss, they will have to deal. Don’t even know what articles are? Go ahead fuck those too…
Another great way to get a new language in to your head is by watching junk TV, insipid talk shows, soap operas and movies. These are absolutely drenched in the real every day, down and dirty vocabulary. Such phrases as; she said.., he said…, I want.., maybe.., most beautiful…, you told me that she told him that she has to…, what if.., I will kill you if it’s the last thing I do, etc. In other words, the things actual people actually say to each other. You will remember because the context is colorful. You will remember even more because a freaking hot actress in a tiny shiny dress said it to a studio audience. The only downside is that you will become irritable watching these shows.
If you ever struggled with what to say to women, those days are over when you’re in another culture. Just make it all about learning their language. Women are patient and programmed to help others. Latin cultures are quite forgiving about the way you tromp over their languages mainly because they do too as every little region has it’s own dialect and there isn’t as much consensus how to speak. Outside of Paris, the French are great when you give it a shot.
I am a big believer of head-start programs. Before you go to a new country, you need to already have a head-start on your dating life. That means, join match.com , ICQ, Craigslist, and any specific dating websites for your target country and set up lots of dates for coffee.
Use these head start relationships to build your vocabulary while chatting online (keep Babelfish open in another window if needed). They always want to practice their own English so keep away from that if you can. The point is to network and learn some basics ahead of time. Say that you heard so many great things about the women in _____ (Paraguay, Ulan Bataar, etc) and that you were wondering if it’s really true. Girls will tell you where the best action is and they love to play tour guide. I agree with another posting on this site in that getting an apartment is a good way to go since it makes you seem part of the place, but then again, having a finite time limit can get women to act sooner rather than later sometimes.
And don’t forget to go to the mall.