Your Very Own “Fairy Wingman”

Who needs a "Fairy Wing-man"?  Count us in big boy!Faggot.  Homo.  Queer.  Ass Pirate.  Chutney ferret.  Poof.   Fudge Packer.   Anal Assassin.

Ok, now that I have your attention, let’s take these words out of your vocabulary.  But ¡Raul!, they deserve to be called names for what they do.  Oh yeah?  What have they done to you and how many times have you been laid recently? Chances are this cheek splitter is already a friend and probably got way more than did you last night.  So, don’t you think you should listen to someone with experience?  You are damn right, Breeder.

Like most people, I grew up in a sort of bubble.  Being gay was not part of the equation.  You would play sports, practice music, go to friend’s houses, and go to movies all while being comforted that the people in charge have rid your area of the dreaded homosexual.  This is unfortunate because it is keeping us from one of our best assets as a hetero man. As you get older, hopefully the world opens up for you and you are not constrained by your past.  That IS why you are reading this blog isn’t it?   You do want to become a man of the world having your pick of hot tail in every country.  That is not a question. I am telling you that one.  You do.  Again, what if I were to tell you that you were leaving a major weapon (sometimes they have 10 inchers) out of your arsenal?  Would you be ok with that?  Yeah, me either.  Let me introduce you to your new weapon. Your new friend.  Your new reason that you are going to get laid more and more: Your Very Own “Fairy Wing-Man.”

That’s right.  When ¡Raul! wants guaranteed hot tail he goes out with his gay buddies.  There are many reasons for this:

1. Access to Gay Clubs
2. Credibility
3. Fashion Advice
4. Great bodyguard
5. Looking out for you getting laid
6. No competition

Let’s delve a little deeper into this list shall we?

1. Numero uno, access to Gay Clubs.  No, not everybody there is going to try to rape you. In fact, one of these dudes that belong to the most well educated group with the most discretionary income might buy you and your friend a drink.  Oh, and there is more, he brought his hot friend with him, just so she could be away from the typical bar where douche bags with Ed Hardy T Shirts (attn, you are a douche if you still wear these) swarm anything with boobs and legs, and just enjoy a drink.  Perfect.

2. Shields down Mr. Sulu!  So now you are with your friend.  He has just met a dude.  Said dude has a chick friend.  Everyone is happy, because you are not that douche bag that is coming to hit on her.  You are that totally cool and accepting worldly guy who is at the gay bar, in whatever country you are in right now, with your buddy, Lance.  Immediately you notice, this hot chick is not giving me attitude. She seems to like me.  This is great.  Plus every guy in this room is giving ME, yeah that’s right, ME, eyes like they want to fuck me. Well, it will be hard for her to ignore that too.  An object of desire is just that, an object of desire.  Think of a hot lesbian walking into a regular bar.  Every dude wants to fuck her, but only that super butch lesbian shaped like an egg in the back corner only dancing by rolling her shoulders back and forward has a chance.  Congrats to you.  You are now that super butch lesbian.

3. Ok, luckily you are not shaped like an egg.  Why is that?  Because first of all you listened to us on this blog and have started going to the gym and getting in shape.  Now that you have the body of a Greek God, why not put some clothes on.  So let’s see, walk into the closet… see what we have… hmmmmmm, that oversized gold t-shirt, this orange NY cap, and these oversized jeans.  Perfect. WRONG!  You might look desirable to some trashy chick, but you are going to look the same as every other douche in the bar.  Here is where our friend, Lance, comes back into play.  Listen to Lance, he is a cool dude.  And, he probably has way more fashion sense than you.  Let Lance dress you.  Take him shopping with you.  Shop with a girl and you will get an outfit she likes but is not going to be too attractive to others because she wants those other bitches to keep their hands to themselves.  Lance, on the other hand, wants you to dress with well fitting clothes that look good to everyone.  Hey, he wants his wing-man to look good too.  Ok, now we have on a nice fitting pair of jeans, a nice shirt with no writing on it that shows off your perfectly formed pecs and a nice pair of leather going out shoes (no sneakers at a club please), lets continue talking to the hot chick at the gay bar.

4. At this point, “Fairy Wing-man” is having a nice time on the dance floor.  He tells you before leaving; if there is any trouble, get my attention.  There will probably not be any trouble, but you must remember, this is your boy.  He will be there for you in a time of need and you for him.  Luckily you have the long end of the stick, because holy shit, have you seen a lot of these gay guys?   They are ripped.  Remember, they have to look good for guys.  People with a mind just like you.  So, no muscles, and you are destined to live the life of a bottom.  Just remember, you are lucky.  “Fairy Wing-man” can whip some ass… amongst other things.

5. At this point your boy is still out there and you have some alone time with your hottie.  It is easy to talk to a chick at a gay bar.  They have nothing to be afraid of, as all of these dudes are looking out for her, but at the same time they are on your side too.  The Perfect Storm!  Just spend a little time making sure if she is straight.  One of ¡Raul!’s best lines in this situation is easy,  “Hey, you want to be straight together?”  Conversation flows as your buddy and his new boy toy keep coming over to buy you drinks and try to keep you two breeders together long enough for them to figure out how they are going to get their own Tab A’s into slot B’s.  They are dudes.  They want to get laid. They will both help you now.

6. Now, a very important issue is here.  Gay club, filled with dudes, lesbians, and you guessed it, your straight chick.  But she is so hot and these muscle dudes all around me are going to try to move in on my sure score.  Think again Ron Jeremy, you are the only one that is willing to give her what she craves and needs.  Yes, you are the last straight dude in the world… for tonight at least.  These guys all around you know that they don’t have a chance with you, but the one thing they would love to imagine, is you getting some.  They are about to bang, why not the two lame straight people too.  No competition from drunken assholes. No competitions from your normal Wing-men who have struck out all night and are creeping.  No competition from this girl’s conscience, which due to her similar upbringing should have her running for the door, scared to be human.  No competition at all.  It really is like being in the bottom of the 9th, bases loaded, 2 outs, down by 3, and the other team just set the ball on a tee for you.  No competition.

Hey! You! Wake up!  Your dream is over.  Now you have to make it a reality.  “But, I don’t know any gay people.”  Um, yes you do.  They are everywhere.  They just have been forced in many situations to keep quiet around breeders.  Well, not any more.  Not with you.  Go meet a “Fairy Wing-man.”  Become friends with him.  Travel with him.  It might be the best thing you could ever do for your social life.  And hey, if things just aren’t working like I said, and you are stuck in a hotel room in Bangladesh thinking about how you could be so unsuccessful with every thing we have laid out for you, I bet your Bromosexual Lance will still give you a hand job.

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