Alright guys, lets do this. Let’s take the first step. Go get your passport. Look tough in your photo. Get the extra thick passport if you think you’ll be doing this a lot. It’s your first trip. You don’t have a lot of dough. You don’t have a lot of time. You want to have a sweet trip and meet some great cute girls. Sometimes you don’t have time to travel all day. You just want to get the fuck out of America for the weekend. Somewhere warm! Somewhere fun! Somewhere cheap! And very importantly, somewhere with a package tour charter flights nonstop from most major US cities. Your airport hub of such a useful place:
Cancun, QR, Mexico – Cancun (CUN)
That’s right, Cancun! The world capital of the Ugly American Tourist. The home of Senor Frog’s. The land of underage American college girls getting drunk and doing ecstasy and having sex with each other on tape for Girls Gone Wild.
That’s right, fly to Cancun.
Or rather, go to Cancun Airport. Under no circumstances go to Cancun. That place is a disaster. It’s the best place in the world to really get embarrassed by our fellow westerners and their complete lack of class. The Cancun Hotel Zone is mile after mile of perfect beach with huge nice hotel after huge nice hotel on the beach. It should be really nice but it’s a nightmare. Staying as guests of all these hotels are ugly, fat, stupid, pale, sunburned American tourists on package deals from American tour companies, or American frat dudes getting shitfaced and puking on the street, and fat American Midwestern girls getting trashed and screeching at each other at top volume. Add during the day some old Western Europeans (mainly German) and that’s pretty much the population there. The bars are just a bunch of hammered underage American kids and overpriced drinks. The only Mexicans you will meet work at the hotels and have an incredibly low opinion of Americans after working with arrogant stupid tourists all the time and having to be nice to them.
Here’s a story a Mexican girlfriend told me when she was working as the manager of a big hotel in Mexico. She was at the hotel and her girlfriend liked some gringo guy. The problem is, she didn’t speak English, and the gringo speak Spanish, so she translated for them. For an hour. Afterward, to thank her, this American guy gave her a dollar.
Let’s let that sink in for a minute.
My Mexican doll has multiple masters’ degrees and speaks Spanish, English, German, and Dutch fluently used to be a top manager at the hotel. She’s also an architect and runs a TV station. She did not need the dollar. He thought, “Well all Mexicans are stupid and dirt poor, so let me be really nice and give her a dollar. ”
That’s how fucking stupid American tourists are in Cancun. You do not want be associated with these people in any way.
Lesson 1 for today: Do not go to Cancun.*
But it’s easy to escape it. The great thing about these tourists is they rarely leave Cancun, so relief is a very short drive or a boat ride away. You don’t have to ever go into Cancun. For your first trip, go south to one of my favorite places, one of the great smorgasbord of hot chicks from around the world including Mexico: Playa del Carmen. That’s what I’ll cover in my next installment.
*The only exception to this rule is that Cancun Centro (not the hotel zone) has great shopping where you can get lots of cheap great shit. So it’s worth a day trip if a hot Mexican girlfriend wants to go try on lingerie for you.