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Check out and submit your most amusing and hilarious text messages from your foreign girlfriend or boyfriend. E-mail submissions to:

Carmelita in Mexico writes: “I want to make love with you until the cows go sleeping

Presenting: The First International Douchette Award aka 'The Fisty'

The Fisty

We are back from commercial.

The lights lower in the house.

The anticipation mounts.

Pan past woman with huge fake breasts; worried look on face.

Pan past woman with huge fake breasts again… just for good measure.

We go to the stage. Our presenter Lenny Kravitz begins…

“Ladies and Gentlemen, now it’s time for the big one. Our First International Douchette Award is a special award that is presented to a woman that deserves it. Her constant douchettebaggery is an absolute thing of art.”


The winner is… Michele Bachmann!

Michele Bachmann

Thunderous applause.

Pan past huge breasts again…

So where should I begin on this douchette? Well for starters, who is this chick?

Michele Bachmann … [Read more]

The Single Dude's Guide to Las Vegas


Las Vegas is a city of dreams, nightmares, victory, defeat, rags and riches… sometimes in your first hour.

Vegas! Showgirls. Buffets. Wayne Newton. Gold diggers. Casinos the size of cities. Hookers. Omaha family vacations. Red Rocks Canyon. The even bigger canyon between that stripper’s enormous fake boobs. Cirque de Soleil. Free drinks. More free drinks. Hot foreign tourists. And money. Lots and lots and lots of money.

What can I say about this place that has not already been said? It is an ever changing city that is different each time you return but also hazily familiar. From the first time Charlie and I went there ten years ago (driving straight through the night from Denver) … [Read more]



The Big D. No, no, this is not another description of Raul!’s gift with women, but a great city for getting it on with some high quality blonde bombshells. Be warned, single dudes, Dallas is not for the yellow-bellied. Stay in Topeka until you are ready.

Dallas! What could be said about this international city/metroplex that has not already? Well, for starters, what you have read or heard about Dallas is probably out of date. It is a fast changing city that looks very different after the last ten years (like Las Vegas or Thailand). Ten years ago, you would not venture downtown for anything but crack. Now with new development, stadiums, lofts, bars, … [Read more]

Friday Haiku Corner with ¡Raul! Vol. 13


Dude, get off your ass.
Make something of yourself.
No more bitching out.

Lets see… cucumber,
zucchini, eggplant, carrot.
She gets the idea.

I can’t believe it!
Bastards! Why don’t they love me?
I deserve it all!

What a bunch of shit.
The great neighborhood is lost.
Why, Amsterdam? Why?!?!

Friday Haiku Corner with ¡Raul! Vol. 12

Hot Tattoo Chinese Girl

Want to eat healthy?
Stop being so damn lazy.
Farmers’ Market. Go.

Big mushroom benders,
can be good or get messy.
Not dull with ¡Raul!

Las Vegas Mangal!
It’s like a douche/ho contest.
Everybody wins!

Stewardess? Sky Hag?
One instead of the other?
Asia or U.S.

Oh no, where is he?
I lost my fairy wingman.
Nope! He is in back!

It's all in the eyes... and the ass

Big Ass

There she is. The one you have been looking for. She is all the way on the other side of the room. Her eyes… they call you over. As you make your way, you never let your gaze waver. Closer… closer… clo… Holy shit. What a huge ass. I mean gargantuan. Damn it!

Have you ever been driving in a car and been convinced that the chick driving next to you is hot? She just has those eyes that say, “Bang me solid for a week.” Then, have you ever seen her get out of her car and the whole chassis raises a foot? That was no lo’ rider. That is a fat chick. This kind of thing … [Read more]

Always be your Team Mate's biggest fan

The Team

Yo everyone, ¡Raul! here! I am back. Let me first apologize for my absence and let everyone know that midget tossing in a brothel while doing ecstasy is illegal in Bolivia. Just note it.

Anyway, back to the matter at hand. I was watching what was going down with this Bin Laden thing and the first thing I thought to myself was, “Man, these guys are total badasses, and they have each others backs, no matter what.” Helicopter crash? Whatever. Not sure if you are getting out alive? Oh, well. Knowing that every other dude there is your biggest fan are right by your side. Priceless. While I won’t equate going into a bar and slaying chicks with your … [Read more]

Friday Haiku Corner with ¡Raul! Vol. 11


So I’m back bitches
Did you all miss me a lot?
Everybody does.

Hipsters are the worst.
Lame tattoos. Lame hair. Lame ‘stash.
Everything is lame.

“Baka laka dak”
That means you are a pussy
For hiding your chicks.

Do something with life
Don’t let the chicks pass you by
The gravy train ends…

Friday Haiku Corner with ¡Raul! Vol. 11


Treat her like a queen.
Give her all you’ve ever had.
You are not worthy.

Be original.
Grow an ironic mustache.
Hipsters know what’s up.

Don’t ever travel.
Really unsafe and dirty.
Stay at home and live.

Do not fuck her right.
She will stick around for sure.
Chicks hate to get banged.

Confidence scares chicks.
Don’t walk around with too much.
She won’t talk to you.

Don’t learn languages
English is enough for sure
They can learn instead

April Fools Bitches
You totally fell for it
Now go be a man