London is for Wankers

poundlandLondon, England, is the most overrated big city in the world.

I can never understand why so many people want to go on and on about how much they love London, although, I have noticed that it is usually fat Western people doing the talking. It’s the favorite place for entitled American Women’s Studies majors to go and spend a semester at or to work for a year, so that they can then come back to America and demonstrate their sophistication by going on an on about how great London is and how they want to go back there to live.

I personally have never understood the attraction of London, and in our opinion London is a very bad single dude travel destination. Why? The food is mediocre at best, the weather is bad, it’s unbelievably fucking expensive, it’s filled with business banker douche bags (BBDs), and to top it all off London is one of the absolutely worst places for women in the world.

Regular readers of this blog by now are quite familiar with my dislike of mediocre self entitled overweight western women, as well as banker scum. I also dislike bad food, bad weather, expensive drinks, bars without hot chicks, ripoff taxis, and unhealthy overpriced restaurants.

That is London in a nutshell, dudes. The so called advantages of London? They have no regulation of bankers making money out of thin air and screwing over their clients, soccer hooligans, the biggest bunch of obnoxious drunks in the world, an ugly bunch of inbred royalty, some good electronic music clubs, some excellent museums, and for those trapped in London for work, cheap budget airlines with daily flights to hundreds of better destinations in Europe.

While generally speaking I do not recommend America as a single dude destination, New York City, on the other hand, can be one of the best places to be provided that you’re not on a tight budget. Many, many beautiful young single girls come to New York to make their mark on the world, and are quite lonely and have a surprising amount of trouble meeting a nice cool smart single dude like you or I. The single dude can find New York to be a killing field for beautiful smart independent women if he plays his cards right.

I am not quite sure why, but this is not true for London. Yes, there are some hot chicks in London, that is undeniable. But not many. However there are legions of mediocre fives who think they are much hotter than they actually are and who have quite an attitude about themselves. Some London friends of mine who have been very successful single dudes in New York and Switzerland have told me over and over the London is the worst city for women they have ever lived in. I believe them.




I recently found myself in London for business for the first time in years and was able to immediately confirm that I made the correct decision not to visit at all during the last 10 years. I hope I do not need to return for another 10 years, unless I get my dream job – Head Banker Executioner of the Revolution, which would involve a lot of first class travel between New york and London to make sure the guillotines are well greased and the blades dull and rusty. Now that would be a 9-5 that I would commute to with a smile on my face every day.

Until then, though, fuck London. It is also a terrible value for the money. This is a city where traveling one stop on the tube costs 4.30 pounds ($6.88). In contrast, the New York City subway system will take you anywhere outside of JFK Airport for $2.50 (assuming of course that that your line is not under 20 feet of water). If you go out drinking forget about taking a taxi home unless you have a lot of money budgeted for it. Check out the London taxi fare schedule:

8.80 pounds to go one mile?  Choose one: pay this or get robbed as you walk.

8.80 pounds to go one mile? Choose one: pay this or get robbed as you walk.

On my last trip to London I had a small apartment off of Brick Lane, in the Shoreditch neighborhood, which is Ground Zero for London hipsterism. Arriving by taxi on a Friday night at around last call, the street was a total chaos of sloppy drunks, with no cops to deal with the street fights and girls peeing in the street. Occasionally someone would think it was a good idea to rock the cab side to side as we waited for room in the street to inch forward.

Why are the English such a bunch of obnoxious sloppy drunks? In all my years of traveling I have seen more embarrassing and annoying drunk behavior from English people than of all the other drunks of the world combined, excepting the honorable-mention-worthy contribution of the Aussies. The men are well known for their drunk soccer hooliganism and stag parties, but an under appreciated percentage of bad English drunks are in fact the girls, who have no problem getting super drunk, screeching at each other, having emotional meltdowns, and squatting in the streets. These girls, when drunk, make even the American girls look classy in comparison.

Undeterred by the trip in the taxi, I went out the following night to sample the local nightlife. There, I found the following scene: packed bars with expensive drinks, slime on the floors, very few hot chicks, and sketchy African/Middle Eastern/Paki/Bangladeshi dudes lurking in the shadows everywhere.

The English girls there were pretty disgraceful – fat, badly dressed, not pretty, and possessing some real attitudes of superiority. It was really hard to even get the time of day from one of them. On the rare occasion that I did manage to engage one in conversation, it felt like quite an accomplishment, until I realized that I would never have even looked twice at her when I was in Bulgaria. Quite simply, London girls have their claws out and are not worth the effort, at the bars at least.

Not that I blame them for having their claws out in a scene like that, however. The male to female ratio is quite high in London bars, and a high percentage of the males are sketchy looking foreign dudes who all stand together on the outside of the circle without talking and stare hungrily at the girls. They really look like a pack of wolves ready to pounce on a lone sheep that strayed too far from the herd.

That was another thing I noticed on this trip to London: the percentage of actual English people there is quite small. Certainly English is not the the most common language heard on the street these days. Indians, Pakis, Banglis, Africans, even French and Spanish have been coming to London lately to try to find economic opportunity. That Mohammed is now the number one name for boys in the UK really becomes apparent just by taking a brief stroll down the street. As a result, there are a lot of poor immigrants and not much community cohesion. This is why there were those riots in 2011 in London and other British cities, and there will surely be more to come. With all the poor people and such income inequality in London, the city is a powder keg and one of the last places I would want to be trapped in the event of the breakdown of the social order.

London is dangerous even when people aren’t rioting and causing sales of baseball bats and riot gear to skyrocket 6000% on Amazon.com. The UK has the highest violent crime rate on the EU and that rate is also worse than the supposed “super dangerous” South Africa.

crime england

But at least the British government is doing its best to “protect” the people of the nation by putting up CCTV cameras everywhere. I had heard the stories about England being the capital of Big Brother style spying, where there is one CCTV camera for every 32 people but I had to see it for myself. Those fucking cameras are everywhere. Not that they help keep anyone safe, as one crime is solved for every 1000 cameras in England. However, when it comes time to crack down and declare martial law as the world ponzi fraud comes down and people take to the streets, they will be a very good way of controlling the sheep of Britain. For now we just get to watch typical London scenes like this:




Looks like the rest of the world is taking up The Knockout Game now.

So dudes, really, avoid London if at all possible. Leave it to the drunks, the criminals (bankers), the criminals (violent), the price gougers, and the worthless spoiled overweight chicks. Hop on Ryanair, Wizzair or Easyjet, squeeze your legs sideways for an hour or two, and come out to the Black Sea beaches, where the girls are skinny and wear thongs and you can walk home from the bar without having to choose between crime and unaffordable taxis. Leave London to the wankers.

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70 comments to London is for Wankers

  • Joey

    I am a Londoner born and bred, and it’s also worth pointing out I spent 3 months travelling across the USA. First I have to say your article is very funny and you make some valid points.

    However you can’t equate Shoreditch to the rest of London. London is a huge place and has many varied and different areas. If you’d stayed in Golders Green you might have thought all of London was Jewish. If you’d stayed in Brixton, all of London would seem black. I went to downtown Miami and wondered if I was even in the USA at all! Everything was Spanish – couldn’t find a shop or even a signpost in English, or anyone that spoke it. But I didn’t assume the rest of Miami, all of Florida, or the entire USA, was overrun by Cubans.

    You have also quoted Tory party stats, and articles from Tory press, as undisputable fact. Tory and Labour politicians, and their supporters in the press, twist facts, figures and stats to suit their own message and means. I know from my own experience that Democrats and Republicans do exactly the same thing. You can make stats and numbers show whatever you want. Quoting a Telegraph article as undeniable evidence is a bit like saying a Republican (or Democrat) election commercial is undeniably true. It’s propaganda – true to a certain extent, but needs a large pinch of salt because it’s been taken out of context, exaggerated and sensationalised, then presented in a way that tries to force your opinion in a certain direction. And that’s assuming it’s not an outright lie. You can’t really believe anything politicians or newspapers tell you. At least in the UK you can’t, but the impression I got travelling in the US is that you guys aren’t much different. Do you believe everything Fox News tells you?

    Also, parts of your article sort of confuse London with the entire UK. As another poster pointed out above, other parts of the UK are completely different. It’s a bit like me going to Manhattan and assuming everywhere/everyone in the USA is just like that.

    Like I said, you do make some valid points. Our drinking is atrocious, our transport infrastructure is atrocious and London is without doubt one of the most ridiculously expensive cities in the world. There are an awful lot of fat and self-entitled women and their number increases all the time. Some areas like Shoreditch are a complete dump. So I’m not hating. I like the article, it’s a funny and entertaining read, but it is very generalised and not a completely fair and balanced view of London.

    I know we make the same sweeping generalisations about you. British tourists go on holiday and come back with an opinion of the whole of Orlando, all of Florida, and the entire country, off the back of one week in Disneyworld. Or we form an opinion of the entire US population off the back of one action their government takes in the Middle East. It’s not fair and it’s not accurate.

    One thing I learned while travelling around the USA is that it’s HUGELY diverse. Different States can be almost like different countries. They have different laws, foods, words, types of people, weather, etc. Look at Miami, even within different cities there are areas that are like different countries! And although we are very different in many ways, deep down we are actually very similar in many ways too. We have similar hopes, dreams, values. Similar language and culture. Similar politics. Similar problems. Similar moans and complaints. Even our flags are the same colours. To quote John Lennon, ‘[the USA is] like England but with more buttons.’

    I love the USA and the people. I learned a lot about you guys when I travelled around. I was welcomed into people’s homes and enjoyed US hospitality at its finest. I made some very good friends that I am still in touch with four years later. Some of whom have come to London to stay with me and loved the place and had a great time. So we’re not all bad and neither is London.

    And for all my background of horrible debauched hooligan London boozing, in Wisconsin you guys EASILY drank me under the table!

    Perhaps that means everyone in the USA is an alcoholic?!

  • Al

    I’m from England myself and I’ve never liked London, come up North for a night out, it’s sometimes feels another country, friendlier people, cheaper everything and better all round in my opinion. The girls ain’t stuck up either..

    • Matt

      The girls aren’t stuck up in the North, but they don’t get any prettier. I spent a few years in Nottingham and Sheffield. Every night of the week, gaggles of drunk, shrieking girls in tiny skirts shouting at someone to ‘fack off’ or something.

      I’m a Londoner. Personally, I love the city for art, culture, shows, food (which is now on par with many other cities). But for nightlife it is awful, the weather is awful, the living costs are absolutely insane, the quality of life on anything less than £40,000 is not good, the transportation costs are ridiculous, and the women are trolls apart from the few who aren’t. But the attractive ones chase these rugby playing, bankster wankers. All in all, I can’t wait to get the fuck out of here again and move back to Asia.

  • Slaven

    London is so big that there is a big chance to have a shitty time if you are only here for 1 week. Not knowing where to go or how to get by can be a problem but an experienced traveller (that you probably are) you should know better. Of course black cabs are expensive, and 1 stop on the tube is 4.30 (By the way, it is 4.30 also from the airport to the city centre, but that doesnt fit the storyline i guess).

    I read some other articles here, and they are pretty good, informative and funny.

    I am Eastern European, and i absolutely love London. The amount of foreign girls, food from everywhere in the world, music, parties etc. is unbelievable. Locals can be a pain but are usually pretty cool. Of course there are arrogant douches, but i dont know where there aren’t. And finally, your notions on banking seem a bit twisted, they are so regulated, (not de-regulated) in a way, that benefits them. It would be much better to have 0 regulation than what there is now, in my opinion. thanks

    • Incorrect, from the airport to central London is 5.50.

      http://www.heathrowairport.com/transport-and-directions/underground

      You have no idea what you’re talking about on the other stuff either. You’re another Bulgarian who can’t appreciate his own country. Do you know the Bulgarians have the worst GDP- to life satisfaction rate in the world?

      • Slaven

        Wow as i read more posts i realised that you are a really about something, dude. Yes, i know that (your GDP fact) – people take it hard when they are the poorest in a rich neighbourhood. I do appreciate Bulgaria. I try to go back as much as I can, I follow, and so on. Unfortunately, I also need money. Single dude or not, i need money, I have a family to support, and London gives me an amazing ratio between work/money/culture/going out which works fine for me now. I’d rather make 1,500 pounds profit at the end of the month than 800 leva, got it?

        Bulgaria gives me corrupt clerks, a very shitty goverment (check out the recent situation from this year, i was actually considering going back this summer, i protested every day i could), low prospects for my job, unless i want to be corrupt as hell from day 1. It’s very easy to go there, have some cheap drinks and enjoy the scene. I loved growing up there, but i cant hide the fact that living there is a toil, if you are ambitious, and want to grow quickly and without having to suck up to politicians, bankers, mobsters etc. Welcome to the real world. And sorry that you had a bad trip in London, i think this is very plausible, just found it hilarious the amount of generalisations.

        Sorry about the tube fare – last time i flew from that i remember 4.30.

        Very disappointing to see such an aggressive post. Very disappointing, chill out man.

      • Slaven

        p.s. i just saw the same website, it is £3.00 with an oyster – and not buying a (free upon return) oyster is not really anyone else’s fault ;)
        p.p.s. if you come round in the next 10 years, i’d be happy to give you some tips and ensure you’ll have a sick time!

        • Thanks man but I’d rather hang out with you in Sofia or on the seaside.

          The trick for Bulgaria is not to get a job. Bulgaria is filled with smart hardworking people who will work for cheap. Be a business owner, escape the corporate prison, and your possibilities for life will open.

  • Akki

    Stumbled upon this one and I must say it was quite an interesting read. I am an Indian living in England for the last year because of my job and just cant wait to go back home. I personally agree with most of the points on this blog. The weather, the food, their love for getting drunk and violence. But what gets to me the most is their hate towards anyone brown. They are a bunch of racist retards and will pick a fight against anyone of asian decent. I have been racially abused for something as simple as sitting in a bar watching a game of football. I just cannot understand why anyone in their right mind would want to wind up someone who is clearly outnumbered and minding his own business. Most of the Indians are here because their jobs demand them to be here not because we want to take over this Island! But there is this under current of contempt towards us wherever you go. The fact that they are supposed to be the most polite people is the biggest irony of all. They are rude, sarcastic and condecending most of the time. So maybe you can add the above to your list. I have made some amazing british friends here, but they are too few and far between. Fortunately I learned very early on that the girls here are just not worth the trouble and dont really socialize with them. Plus I prefer the Indian/Pakistani girs here anyday over these pricey wannabe’s. I am waiting for my boss to call me back. Because as many flaws as we may have, we would never mistreat a person based on his ethnicity and the color of his skin.

  • John Gill

    We get it. You’re poor. London is cooler than you are.

  • Leader-1

    Really good article. I used to live in London and you hit the nail on the head. If anything, I think you were too generous!

    One thing I should note is that it speaks volumes of a place when it has the highest emigration rate in the Western world. Not to mention that British engineers and architects are responsible for these modern marvels in China and Dubai, but they’re letting their own country rot to hell. Goes to show you what they think of it!

  • Ghost of Tower 42

    I am a native British Banker Douche Bag and even I agree with this article. London is expensive. I expect to pay top dollar for the michelin star places, 20 quid in the Ritz bar for 1 drink etc, but even the mediocre in London is overpriced. I understand the difference between “price” and “value”. I also understand the difference between a properly made cocktail with premium alcohol and some premix.

    Again, there are a very small number of 10/10 women, but the 5s are inflated (in more ways than one!) and have a huge sense of entitlement. I havent dated a “britisher” for years, stick to the ready supply of eastern-euros (thank god the EU is good for something) and happy-go-lucky aussies/kiwis. Those girls appreciate something super-high-end now and then, but are equally happy for an honest, authentic, tex-mex-type beer and burger shouty restaurant with good company.

    Except in the rarified atmosphere of the private members clubs (expect to pay a joining fee plus 700-1000 UKP per annum), I would describe most of the 8,9,10 women as surly, frosty, and rude, no manners, no class, and no conversation either. Members clubs are very different, I guess they assume (rightly or wrongly) that you must have something in common with them from the get-go.

  • Scytale

    I know this isn’t quite related but an english couchsurfer friend of mine suggested I visit Brighton. Any thought?

  • Jack Jones

    Just because you can’t get laid in London doesn’t mean the rest of us cant!! HAHAHAHA Wank on.
    I’ve lived in London for the last 24 years and I have no idea what you are on? I have never experienced any violence in this city at all. Last year we had 99 murders, 6 of those were committed by guns!! Yes, that’s right, your chances of getting murdered by a gun in London are less than one in a million. How does NY, Maimi, LA etc compare to that?
    In terms of a party place London is top of the tree. You are completely spoilt for choice regardless of your musical taste.
    http://www.flickr.com/photos/fish323/sets/72157632406274996/
    http://www.flickr.com/photos/fish323/sets/72157631660797228/
    Personally I like the illegal squat parties but that is just my choice.
    BTW AT THESE PARTIES NO-ONE IS DRUNK, NO-ONE IS VIOLENT, EVERYONE IS OFF THEIR TITS AND EVERYONE IS HAVING A GREAT TIME. These parties are NOT fueled by alcohol. I will never understand why anyone uses that drug, I never have and I never will. Talk about clueless? You choose to stay in a shit hole like Brick Lane and then complain about too many Mohammeds you really need to do some research before you leave.
    No-one in their right mind takes a black taxi in London. For a cheap skate like yourself I’d suggest a bus. Any journey (however long) costs £1.35. Personally I travel by scooter, my local taxi company, tube or train.

  • Gurufabbes

    I just read through your article after discovering your site and have to say you hit the nail on the head. London is very likely the worst place for women in the world. They all seem extremely picky, fickle and self-centered, and to add: Cold and miserable. And that’s just the regular population. Worse if you’re Jewish like me.
    Almost paradoxically, the girls I ended up going out with were either originally from outside of London or outside of the country, or some ethnic non-British background.

    As a consequenceof the abundance of desperate, sex-starved guys, vying for terrible girls. has further ruined the British market.

    London has plenty to offer, particularly if you have a high paying salary, but in terms of women, I don’t know how it ever got so bad.

  • Ted

    Article is basically correct, NOT that London is a bad place, but that it so fails to match it’s hype and reputation. I grew up always wanting to go to London, and always hearing it classified as one of the world’s greatest cities alongside the likes of Paris, New York, Rome and Tokyo.

    But, when I finally went, I must say I was more disappointed by it than nearly any city I’ve ever visited, it certainly did not measure up to its press clippings. Just a far more coarse and unfriendly environment than I expected, and as this author notes, VAST stretches of the city don’t seem the least bit “British” at all.

    And, in terms of nightlife, can’t really say it worth the great expense. In fairness, my nights out in New York and Tokyo were also crazy expensive, but they were worth it by also being crazy exciting and full of beautiful friendly people. London nights were every bit as expensive, but far less fun, and with far less attractive and less friendly women.

  • For those that claim Charlie’s article is exaggerated, I would like present exhibit A:


    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SukEnAQ_ebE

  • Darren

    You are the most cheapskate piece of trash that I have read of to date. You are always complaining of not getting laid when you are just some fat pervet. Dude no one wants a fat pig who learnt to walk! If you can’t afford London and choose to go to some cheap dubious hotel then it is totally your own fault. I have always stayed at Claridge’s when I am in London and the service there is always excellent. In fact it is way better than most hotels in the US that I have stayed in. Also quit complaining that the food is bad. Of course the food is bad if you have been dining out of a trash can. Try Claridge’s Afternoon Tea and you did be eating your own words. Anyway which country are you from?

    • Shane

      trust me man,london is not cheap and if you think its expensive that doesnt make you a cheapskate,London IS EXPENSIVE AS FUCK.And the food is absolute shite.By the way,i can afford a good night around kensington in case youre wondering whats my income…..fucksake.

  • Nicholas MOSES

    There’s an old saying that “the problem with London is that there aren’t enough Englishmen, and the problem with Paris is that there are too many Frenchmen!”

    Nevertheless, I have word from an English friend who lives in London that there are still recognizably “British” residential areas and hangouts in the place. What was not clear, however, was whether he was referring to “Central London,” “Inner London” or “Outer London.” A traveler, after all, is likely to bother only with the first and *POSSIBLY* (depending on how thrifty he is) the second.

    I do think the polemic of the article might be a bit exaggerated, but it is not anywhere near as exaggerated as is the grandeur of the clichéd Cambridge morons fawning over their country’s “multiracial, multicultural capital!” (People who claim enjoy the “international” flavor of London almost always refer to the elite white-collar professional cadre class, and why it should be necessary to fill the working and lower classes from the ranks of recent immigrants in order to attract a few cosmopolitan professionals [who, regardless of what race or country they come from, universally go out of their way to avoid living among the riffraff of whatever city they are in] is something I admit I have never quite understood.)

    And I will say this much: the opening assertion, that “London, England, is the most overrated big city in the world,” is spot-on. The Erasmus frat party ambiance might be attractive for a year or two, but the “fun” amenities of such stratified cities as London, New York and increasingly Paris naturally give way to the grim reality that there, once can advance quite far in one’s career without ever really having the means to better one’s personal position within the city. Who on Earth, apart from a select few highly fortunate young multimillionaires, could hope to raise a family in London these days?

      • Nicholas MOSES

        Thank you for the feedback. :) Actually, though, I think “Erasmus frat party ambiance” was the wrong phrasing as I didn’t have in mind the Bourgeois Bohemian stereotypes at all (though one can certainly find them in London)… “elite-glamor gloss party ambiance” would be more along the lines of what I was getting at. The disillusionment of the neo-Londonian social climber, a year or two into his or her sojourn, can be very rude indeed. That goes for the English, the Americans and the French alike.

  • jack walker

    I agree with this article 100%. London is a dump, it’s dirty and the people are very unfriendly. It’s expensive and the things worth seeing are so far apart. My biggest surprise was that there are very few English people there now, there are no English working class communities in London any more. If you are going to London expecting to meet charming cockneys from the east end, forget it, they’ve all been replaced by the new arrivals from developing countries. Speaking to an English person (I found one eventually), I was informed that this cultural replacement started in inner London in the 60′s and 70′s and spread out to the suburbs in the 80′s and 90′s, from there it’s spreading out to the rest of England (I kid you not). There are also many (and I really do mean many) second and third generation migrants born in London now, the majority do not seem to identify themselves as English or with English culture/history in any way.

    Good luck to these new arrivals, they chose well when they chose England. It’s a free country, they can live their lives however they choose, nobody to challenge them, it’s their country now.

    However, for me it was a disappointment. If I wanted African culture, I would go to Africa. If I wanted Pakistani culture I would go to Pakistan. I thought the English people won two world wars to stop their country being invaded. London was cleansed of the English people and I never even heard about it on CNN.

  • Steve

    At least their trash (sorry, “youths”) is well integrated racially. Here in the U.S. you never see blacks and whites coming together in perfect harmony, as brothers and equals….to loot a convenience store. Then again, the government has never quite managed to trap poor whites in urban areas such as Detroit and Philadelphia. Even our poorest have been able to afford a cheap used vehicle and move out to a trailer park in rural Florida or wherever. With inflation, higher fuel prices, and the general disintegration of the American economy leading to lower standards of living, I’m sure the elite will manage to trap legions of poor whites in urban areas soon enough. Then we will achieve the Leftist dream of rampant mixed race gang violence and be on par with the U.K. Something to look forward to…

  • Dammed English Drunk as a Skunk Drinking Guy

    Hang on! Hang on out there! Listen Luv,, I mean Bro, no! I mean, Whatever. I’d just want to defend us drunken drink British out there – living in the heart of London. Listen yous guys, I am British, born and bred, and I have lived in London for most of my life. -And for those of you who think that we Brits can’t hold our drink, well, I am here to refute that. You see, I can see that when you arrived at Brick Lane it was on a Friday or Saturday night. That is the time when we Brits have the best laugh. We go out for the night and we “spunk it all up”! (That is, for you foreign types, we splash all our wages on drink. (Yes, we forget the kids, the bills or the other-half indoors – and we blow it all on booze)). Now, why am I saying this to you? ‘Cause, if you can understand our bad behaviour, and why it happens, you might want to think twice about judging us. Look! It goes like this: Our young girls start themselves by drinking young. Their parents don’t care enough about them to want to do anything which would discourage them, ’cause they are too busy smoking their cigarettes, watching TV or playing an Xbox. -That’s besides Big Brother or Xfactor! So, they get hooked on Baby Sham and Cider drinks. -Which is always a good start when one wants to get drink drunk. Then, when they get used to the highs of ciders and sweet wines, they will usually upgrade themselves -behind their parent’s back- to cocktails.and hard liquor. Then, by the time they get to 15, they are already hard drinking-school skipping-night club addicts who’s only aim in life is to get high and to stay high! Usually, by the time the are 18, they are already hardened alcoholic sex addicts, who can drink any hard nosed, drunk as a skunk, drinking man,under the table. .

    I know. I have met plenty of them – all, who are well experienced comatose drinkers.That is why, when you visit our exclusive night clubs in the heart of London, whether its Picadilly, Old Kent Road, the City or anywhere else for that matter, you will always see scores and masses of 14 year olds inside them. Regardless of how many bouncers and police are waiting outside them. I know, because I have been in ‘em. -Even in the ones where you have to have a shirt and tie. Yep! the bouncers will make sure that you have the correct gear, even if you are underage. I know, ’cause I have walked out of enough “exclusive clubs” because there were no adults in them! I have clubed with these women, – that is, if you can call them that, and I have lived and worked with them to know that what you have said is all true.

    Now, the other issue of depraved foreign guys staring at women in clubs. This observation of yours is also true. Even though I am plastered most of the time, yet I can verify this me-self. However, will will state it, that these gawping foreign guys are usually always Muslims!!! I do not know why they torture themselves in the way their jaws drop, but they do?

    So, when you see some drunk as a skunk English girl laying on the streets, screaming at herself or somebody, please, please be more understanding before you make such groundless, foolish comments!

  • Joel

    Speaking as a well-travelled native Londoner, I’ve got some sympathy because I can see it’s a difficult city for someone at first, especially travelling on their own, with few local friends. It is expensive, yes. But more difficult is navigating the various different parts of London and social scenes, finding the cool places ad knowing how to “read” recommendations and guides. It also changes on a 1-3 year basis as to which bits are cool. .

    Friday & Saturday are bad nights to go out around Brick Lane. It tends to be full of half of the county of Essex tottering around the place on high heels, screeching. Our equivalent of NY’s “Bridge & Tunnel”. Brick Lane *was* Hipster Central maybe 5-8 years ago. Now, they’ve all gone to backstreet places in up-and-coming areas like Dalston or Bethnal Green or Peckham, because it’s “gone mainstream”.

    I’d say that London is maybe poor for “generic” bars and clubs, but great for niche ones. If you’re into speakeasy cocktail bars, or hard-to-find hipster bars, or live music of 101 varieties, or fetish parties, or burlesque, or gothic, or champagne bars, or private sex parties, or 1980s nights, or fancy dress parties, or debating salons etc etc etc. then there’s a ton of it out there. But it needs a bit of research & prep-work to find it.

    But its size means that anyone “cool & interesting” can always find something “cool & interesting” to do, rather than just go to a normal bar, especially around Leicester Sq or (now) bits of E London. We tend to leave that to the tourists.

  • Inveighlian

    Hi Charlie,

    I’ve been checking out this site for a while and as a London native I felt obliged to comment on this article. I think that it is misguided to form your views on the whole of London based on a visit to East London which is well known for its economically deprived areas and rapidly expanding ethnic population. Also, shoreditch is probably one of the worst places to score. In order to get laid there you need to be in one of what I call “the friendship groups” a circle of friends of friends (I don’t fully understand it myself). As a single guy I’ve found the best places to go are student places, watford, croydon, Windsor and slough. All just outside the border of London but full of well presented dtfs. Oh and Clapham is also good.

    Failing that there’s always a myriad of different clubs and nights to go to – probably too many. The distance between the different areas makes it difficult to give clear recommendations – your best bet is to have a look online.

    Also you shouldn’t have used the black cab – Addison lee minicab is the way to go, or just use the many 24 hour night buses.

    However, in general London is all round bad for women. You have to work too hard for too long for too little effort. Next time you should take a train to Birmingham, Liverpool (highly recommended) or Manchester. All overflowing with good looking women who are chatty, fun and dtf.

  • Bill

    London leaves a lot to be desired but I don’t see how you can claim it is inferior to NY. NY is basically London if it were 95% south Asians. NY has probably the ugliest collection of people ever assembled – basically what you get if you troll the lowest classes of the most primitive countries and then make them morbidly obese.

    • That’s pretty hilarious that you would say that considering the aforementioned Mohammad situation. Anyway for the non-insane, NYC is infinitely better and significantly cheaper.

      • Nat

        All the Mohammad situation means that one group of people all choose the same bloody name. That’s going to skew any stats. What it really means that in other racial or social groups the names are much more diverse (or made up).

        Still, London’s not too bad if you avoid the places in Lonely Planet type guides because they’ve all been overpopularised and taken over by bored, fat offices workers who all live out of town anyway and tourists looking in vain for a cheap shag.

        Trendy London has moved on and gone underground, small places scattered about. The idea is to keep it quiet so the shit people you saw don’t come along.

    • Yes dude, you’re pretty wrong on this one in my opinion.

  • Steven St. Croix

    I lived in Cannes for three years and spent nights out in Antibes and Nice. I have a couple of good friends who are Londoners (and English). With that said, English and Aussie men were the loudest, rudest, unruly tourists that came through the area.
    As far as London, I agree with Charlie. If you have some money and your friends are in the higher levels of London society, you can have a good and expensive time while visiting. But God help you if you don’t.

  • M-P

    I’m in my mid 30s and have lived in London most of my life (even spending a very short while early on in my career working front office for what you would no doubt consider the worst of all the US Investment Banks – I don’t ask for your forgiveness because fuck it, if you don’t try it to know you actually find the work nothing more than tedious, dull and long hours for nothing worthwhile other than the extrinsic (i.e. money), you’re not coming from a position of serious authority). Also I lived quite near Brick Lane for eight of those years in London. I can’t disagree with any of what you’ve said to be honest (aside from soccer hooliganism – that shit’s old news and the issue is relatively benign compared to the 70s and 80s). London is great if you have money to burn, you know your way around and have a good social circle. Otherwise, meh. It takes a lot more effort. I’m looking forward to moving away when business allows it. I would be loathe to have a young family here and house parties > actually stepping out into most bars in London.

    As for the British and drinking and the filth… It’s a fucked up institution here and drinking has been a significant part of the culture since forever. And it’s really nasty. And they’re even worse abroad.

  • ETS

    When you take the time to be judgemental why do you not look at yourself first, though writing to some is much more serious to others than to someone like myself. Also when refering to the type of word one uses to describe past events as in say infamous, reputation? One might of had as he was young and made folish choices as we all do or have done. Another thing there are poeple that are not as intelligent as others, though these average people do have more commonsense and humility than those with say more inteligence. Those who make statements without knowing ugotz, then those have just made the mother of all screwups and assumed! I’m 48 and truly past all the bull i see in some people these days. If you like europe, and asia? try the PI, Thailand, bulgaria, the ukraine, poland and the czech republic. good luck all

  • ETS

    No brother, what i should have said was, that i have experienced a few cultures and NATIONALITIES. I have found Russians, koreans, germans and some italians to be difficult to deal with in some instances.

  • Richard

    As an objectively thinking Brit living close to London, I would agree that the article has elements of truth, but is wildly exaggerated.

    My one agreement would be that public transport, especially the price, needs an overhaul.

    • Which parts are wildly exaggerated?

      • Ricky

        I am a guy in his mid 30′s who’s lived in LA, New York and London, as well as visited pretty much most of the major cities and party spots in the world. Done this the cheap, affordable way and the super high end way. This all boils down to socio-economics.

        Comments about London are hard to make based on a week. Plenty of
        American males come up short here and the reasons are very much in line with Charlie’s original comments;

        Average, boozed, stuck up girls who don’t generally like Americans
        Expensive amenities from transportation to food and drink
        Bad weather

        HOWEVER

        It’s important to make the clear distinction between the major 1st world capitals of the world like London, NYC, LA, Paris, Sydney, Miami,and everywhere else.

        Money definitely rules here. If you live in nicer neighbourhoods, have access to members’ clubs, go to the right bars and restaurants, can afford to buy tables at clubs, you will meet hot girls in London (not necessarily British btw) and can get laid frequently. Moreover, as a magnet for nationalities all over the world, it’s as cosmopolitan of a city as you’re gonna get (unlike NYC/LA where you need to subscribe to the American way of doing things, speaking etc)

        When you start looking at the new world/developing world, places like Saigon, Bali, Eastern Europe, parts of Latin America, the differences are clear;

        Bigger socio-economic disparity between men and women
        Swathes of women who have a natural disposition to all men who are nice/friendly/able to show them a good time and represent the promise of a better life (read any male tourist with even basic 1st world middle class means)
        Less class warfare and a smaller middle class
        Less obesity in general (although as guys we only care about this in females)

        All told, when you strip out the high threshold of the affordability of major 1st world countries and focus on female/male ratios, friendliness of the people who are likely to meet, then things do look much better in places like Kiev, Sofia etc.

        In other words, when you consider that the average non banker guy can operate at a much higher social level in a developing world city (especially where language isn’t as much of a problem, which accounts for/rules out Buenos Aires, parts of Brazil, Japan) then it starts to make sense why major cities aren’t likely to score highly on this single dude rating scale.

  • ETS

    Rud! read this carefully as i dont care one bit about you, what you think your about or not! my accolades, infamous acts or my honorable acts in the army has nothing to do with one fact your just a punk! I’m going to ETS in 2 weeks and will truly enjoy my life relaxing and not sweat one day worrying about money, my paid home back in the states or my new home in Panama! why dont you find a tree, grab yourself some good rope so it wont giveway and stretch your neck!

    • Rud

      Lol… i reached my EAS october after serving 8 years in the Marine Corp. Now i work in pakistan as an advisor. I have served honorably and faithfully in several areas of operations to include Iraq, Afghan and mindanao, philippines. I assure you i am far from a punk. Also, please grab a dictionary and look up the word infamous, because i doubt you know what it means seeing as you used it horribly out of context.

  • anon1

    hahaha as a resident close to london i can one hundred percent agree with your assessment. great article

  • Jim

    The level of ignorance lies within a person who only sees what is beyond his own arrogance. Hence you mister ASS muscle, no one person here can help you! As for my mixup with a person race or nationality was sleep deprived over the last week getting new soldiers ready for service.. You are a POS. GOOD LUCK

  • Jim

    Lol what a punk! Fat fingers I think not! Being 48, retiring after 30years of military service im in better shape than you mouth! Get a life keybord tough guy!

    • “better shape than you mouth!”

      The retardation level is not improving here…

    • Rud

      What was your job in the military? Your spelling ability is dodgy at best and your comprehension of the English Language is still up for debate. You must have been one of those special soldiers who had the war winning task of burning the feces in the shit cans when they became full.

  • M

    You forgot to mention the crappy, overpriced hotel rooms in London. As well as what a long and expensive pain in the ass it is to get from any of the London airports to the city center.

    The upsides are the museums as well as the West End plays, but that’s about it as far as I can tell. Even the beer is nothing great.

    And the Brits are almost as large as Americans now. They’ve adopted the American diet of highly processed carbs and fast food so they are quickly becoming the fattest of Europe.

    I have to agree with Jim’s comment about tourists though. Having lived in Europe for eight years now I have to say that Americans generally travel pretty well – even in the depths of a weekend of drink and debauchery in Amsterdam (at least what I’ve seen). There are much worse nationalities as far as being general assholes while traveling than Americans: Brits, Germans and Russians come quickly to mind.

    Another great analysis. And spot on!

    M

  • Jim

    Though I dont owe you an explanation, my fingers are to big for mt cell phone keyboard being im 6’2 230 lbs and rake your reply and get bent FAG!

  • Jim

    Hey charlie since your bashing so called fat westerners wgom brag about england, make sure you include germans and russians, and koreans! I have been around being american I once thought we were bad tourists, lol but not by a long shot compared compared to these other races includng the french! If your going to write about people make sure your research is more complete.

  • The Chief

    I was in London in 2004 for a little bit, and if things haven’t changed, Charlie is spot on. Plus, the GBP/USD was at about 2 bucks to the pound, so it was an even bigger kick in the nuts.

    Charlie, even though you say the Aussies are awful drunks, I had an amazing time there awhile back… would be interested to know what you thought of some of the non-Sydney cities. It has gotten more expensive with the currency’s strength, but there’s still deals to be had.

    • I actually have never been to Australia, it’s never seemed like a necessity to go there yet. I’m forming my opinion by the Aussie travelers I see everywhere, who are often quite bad.

      • Rud

        When I was in the Marines, our boat made several stops in Australia. We spent about a week in Cairns and 5 days in Brisbane. For the most part, the Aussie men would get mangled drunk, pick fights, and/or stumble around aimlessly. However, the women were hanging all over us. I have never had an easier time picking up beautiful women then my short stint in Australia. I was surprised because I thought Australia would have some pseudo-European elitist attitude and an apathetic view towards Americans. I found that they were pretty awesome people, aside from the men and their prolific drunkeness.

  • gareth tt

    Since when has there been a race of people named “Banglis”

  • david

    How many times do I get a certain feeling about sth and then suddenly find an article about it here? Agree…

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