Raul told me a funny story the other day about a conversation he had with his mom recently. She’s a really nice lady, which is strange considering what a depraved misanthrope her son is. Anyway, he happened to refer to someone as a “douchebag”, and his mom cracked up. He apologized for his crudeness, but she said,
“No no, it’s just when I was growing up (in the late 50s-early 60s) we used to call people douchebags all the time. Are kids calling people douchebags again?”
Amazing. Anyway, that story got me thinking about the modern douchebag and the impact he has had on society. The douchebag and his opposite, the hipster, are the yin and yang of the defining cultural struggle today in the single dude world.
The problem I have is that nowadays people go around calling every dude they don’t like a douchebag, willy nilly. Now if you don’t like someone, that’s ok, but that doesn’t automatically make him a douchebag. He could be an asshole, a retard, a fagbagster, a BBD, or an Uncle Boner. Or he could actually be a douchebag. But make sure he is the thing that you derogatorily call him.
I’ve already called out hipsters for being a bunch of pussy frauds in a previous rant and discussed at length what constitutes a hipster in and generally nowadays there isn’t really much argument about that. Nobody goes around calling people hipsters unless they are wearing their Converse sneakers, plastic rim glasses, and hipster sneers. So what is a douchebag?
For the answer to all douchebag related issues I’d like to refer you to a very inspirational website and a favorite of ours called www.hotchickswithdouchebags.com. There you can experience the collective expertise of thousands of avid douchebagers who thrill to nothing more than snapping a great wilderness photo of a 12-point douchebag, with douchestrap facial hair, orange tan, Ed Hardy $300 T-shirt, sideways peace sign, and kissy doucheface. As a Ugandan Shoebill is to African ornithologists this dude is for douchebaggers.
Now while you have to pay for a very expensive trip to Africa to see the shoebill in its natural habitat for a douchebag you usually need to look in the nearest trashy club this weekend. There must be bottle service and a velvet rope in order for these guys to leave their nest, but when you do catch a glimpse, wow, what magnificence!
Douchebags are also quite easier to interact with than the Ugandan shoebill or the hipster. While wild birds are skittish and hipsters only will talk to other totally unique people that look exactly like them, the douchebag can be quite sociable. If you run into one at the club, just go up and say, “What’s up, bro. Lot’s of hot chicks in here, damn! Yo dude, you’re huge, where do you work out?” Then they will probably accept you as unthreatening and join you for bottle service and if you’re really lucky introduce you to their douchette sister with giant fake boobs and an overly trashy makeup job and slutty shoes that she can’t really walk right in. Then you can live among them like the anthropologists on Papua New Guniea.
Like the Ugandan Shoebill douchebags have other cousins throughout the world. In Latin America the douchebags are usually very nice dudes and will often accept you as part of the tribe in exchange for some aguardiente and a fist-bump.
In our travels to Eastern Europe we’ve also come in contact with another subspecies, the Eastern European Mafia Douchebag. They are fatter, Calder, with more irritable personalities. The Mafia Douchebag is like a tiger to the regular douchebag housecat. Boris is good at making friends with this type and they certainly can be useful if you’re in a tight spot in a foreign country. But they are quite unpredictable so I suggest you stay away from them unless you’re a pro. Check out Boris’ article on making friends with dangerous people if you want to know how he handles them.
We’ve also described the fagbagster at length in our articles on Asia. With manpurses, expensive t-stirts and sunglasses and extra gay flavor these guys are coming to the West soon. Here’s a shot of that curious hybrid variety of international douchebag.
Like the influenza virus, douchebaggery is in a constant state of evolution, to stay one step ahead of any possible cure developed by Western medicine. The sideways two finger kissyface too worn out? It’s ok, they’ll develop a Shocker-based hand sign instead. The tattoo only covers 80% of his chest? Uh-oh, time to head to the tattoo parlor. Douchebags spare no effort to adapt to today’s modern world.
And if you’re a douchebag reading this, don’t take it the wrong way, man. I like you. Really I do. I’ll buy a round of Jagerbombs next time I see you at the club. Dude, you’re huge, what’s your gym routine? Is that your sister over there? Great, please introduce me, bra.