Greetings to all from the Southern Hemisphere! I came down to avoid winter and Christmas to sunny summer in South America. Fuck cold weather, I never understood why people would put up with it. Anyway, It’s been a week since I heard any Christmas elevator music or was encouraged to buy anything I didn’t need just to keep the wheels on the US economy, and I’m totally fine with that.
I just spent 5 days in the capital of Uruguay, and I want to report back to Single Dude nation that Montevideo is a shockingly mediocre location for the single dude or frankly any traveler. I was very surprised by this realization, because I thought it would be awesome here. I came to Uruguay with the following thesis:
1. There are lots of reports of model agencies looking in SE Brazil looking for the next Giselle. The gene pool there is excellent and there are lots and lots and lots of hot chicks there who like to party. But I don’t speak Portuguese (yet) and gringos need a visa to visit Brazil.
2: Whenever I’m in Miami or other fancy club places, the Argentinas I meet are always super hot. However Argentinos, especially from Buenos Aires are snobby.
3. Uruguay is in between the two places, less well-known, and probably cheaper, less snobby, and the same gene pool. I don’t need a visa to go there (like Brazil) and my frequent flier miles will work for that ticket.
Great! Let’s go to Uruguay! It will be the beginning of summer (December) and it will be a cheap place with lots of hot chicks and good weather. I’ll hang out for a while drinking for cheap at beachside bars and picking up girls that are 90% as hot as Adriana Lima.
90% of this would be A-ok for me
Above is a picture of Adriana Lima. Imagine walking down the street with a chick with 90% of that hotness. Image buying her a 2 dollar drink at the beachside bar in Montevideo before whisking her off to a tango club and then having coffee the next afternoon on the beach. Sounds awesome, right? Uruguay!!
Wrong, wrong, wrong. Uruguay is not the place for us. Sorry, boys, false alarm.
First of all, it’s not cheap here. Hotels – minimum $30, and you don’t get much for that price. Dinner, two entrees, one appetizer and a bottle of wine – $40, minimum. That would be $15 in Vietnam if you’re keeping score. Pint of local beer at any bar – $4-$5. Cup of coffee – $2.50.
You see what I’m saying. It’s not South Beach or Singapore expensive, but it’s not cheap. Now if everything else were awesome, that would be acceptable, but the roll call of mediocrity is only beginning.
The food, frankly, stinks. It appears the whole Uruguayso populace has pretty low standards for food. Menus are short, and are basically lists of overpriced unseasoned meat or basic cheese pizzas without any flavor. There’s never anything spicy, never anything healthy. If you go to a fancy place, they’ll bring you a giant steak, with some tomatoes and iceberg lettuce. That’s fine dining. I never saw anything but iceberg lettuce in Uruguay. The Uruguayshos will dig with gusto to a plate of fries covered in yellow cheese sauce, unseasoned. You get it, it’s not a foodie country.
The most shocking realization I had was that the chicks in Uruguay are shockingly so-so. Obviously they are better than the American chicks, but in the bars I went to it was a not uncommon occurrence to see a group of 5 chicks of the right age group come in the bar and 4 of them be completely unbangable, no matter how many overpriced drinks you drank. 5 of 5 also happens. That never, ever, ever in a million years would happen in Bulgaria and it happened several times a night in the “hot clubs” of Montevideo. Their personalities are also like the food, flavorless and dull.
Another complaint I have is that the Uruguayshos don’t go out until 1 in the morning. I’m used to this phenomenon from having lived in Eastern Europe but there the party is awesome and there’s hot smart fun chicks everywhere. In Uruguay the party starts even later, but then it’s just a loud club with a bunch of mediocre chicks, nobody really partying much except for Brazilian tourists (the one saving grace of Montevideo nightlife) playing shitty Latin pop. If you want to take a girl home you need to survive until 6am at least, and who has the energy at 6 am after a night in a loud club to do a good job with some mediocre dull chick? Every night I’d have a mediocre chick into me at 2 AM but I just didn’t have the energy to sit there for the next 4 hours waiting for her. I must be getting old or something.
But the weather is nice in Uruguay, so it’s a good place to sit out at cafes on the beach and relax, right? Wrong. There is some law or something prohibiting bars or cafes on the ocean, so the entire ocean walk, called “La Rambla” is basically abandoned. There’s some joggers and some bums hanging out there, but no place to chill out, work on your laptop and drink coffee while looking at hot chicks in bikinis. On the Black Sea, there’s great beach bars everywhere. Montevideo? Almost none.
At this point I started feeling like I was taking crazy pills. Luckily, Uruguay has one major positive, which is the drug policy. Weed is tolerated there for personal use and is readily available, and not too expensive. It’s blocked up with horse piss or something equally foul smelling so it’s not pleasant aromatic herb, but it does the job and the cops won’t give you a hard time for it, so that’s one bonus to Uruguay. Other than that I say learn from my mistake and never bother with this place, unless you’re getting paid well to go there.
Hotspots: Two neighborhoods are in Pocitos at the intersection of 26 de Marzo and Herrera there’s some decent bars. Burlesque, Pony Pisador, Lotus, some other club, they’re there. And in Ciudad Vieja, which is a pretty nice Old Town during the day, there’s a bar street with some options. Expect overpriced beers, shitty Latin music, and more fat chicks than even Raul could shake a stick at. Enjoy, bros.
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Wow. Very disappointing news. The prices don’t sound terrible, but much higher than they were in the mid 2000′s after the banking crises. A quick check of the CIA World Factbook shows “official” inflation running at 6.7% in 2010 and 7.1% in 2009. It appears Ben Bernanke’s policy of exporting inflation to the rest of the world is working well. From your report on the women, it also sounds like the Uruguayan Peso isn’t the only thing inflating.
Anything better than American chicks is OK in my book.
Yes, but if you have vacation time and can get out of America, you can do much much better than Uruguayan chicks.
Thank god, i’m not the only one who had a rough time there. It was one of the few South American countries i didn’t get my flag. I couldn’t find anything decent to go out there and ended up at some Cumbia clubs down town. Its was packed with poor people and absolutely no one spoke English. My Spanish is good enough to game girls so i had a big problem there. A make out with a mediocre girl was all i got.
I went to this place twice.
First time I had the same experience described here.
Second time I just spokeo local people only to find out the best bars. Ended up a really cool bar that spilled out on to the street with tons of guest DJs. Fairly gay friendly place.
Picked up a stunning local girl, maybe the hottest girl I picked up in S.America, who was there with a gay male friend.
We went out the next night (my second night in town) just the two of us and after showing around some other cool spots that are not mentioned in any nightlife guides we ended up in a love hotel all night. I had a blast.
Like most places its a question of throwing lonely planet and website recommendations and getting down with the locals.
I had some locals there but even that didn’t really help much.
Shocking! Depressing!!! I met some Uraguay hippies, while partying in Florianopolis, Brazil. I’d have had no idea the country was so mediocore. Thanks for the report. Nice save.
Hey everyone. First off, great site and Charlie is right on in his observations. I’d love to take the opportunity to shed even more light on the situation in Montevideo.
Women in Uruguay have had to learn to protect themselves from the typical Uruguayo. Although any stereotype leads to a minority that breaks the rule, I can say without a doubt that most Uruguayos are pseudo macho pig slobbering douchebags. They really have no idea how to treat a girl. It’s so normal for guys to stand a girl up without any notice and then a week later call or text message to set up a new day to go out. Then on top of that, a hotdog and beer at one of the typical chain restaurants is the normal place to go before he tries to get in her pants. If you know how to treat her right; wine and dine her and you will have the promise land shown to you very easily. She might even want to be the mother of your children!
Secondly, as a cause of the shittyness of the typical Uruguayan moron, most of the classy, smart, and beautiful women don’t go out at night to the clubs, and if they do, it’s with a girlfriend or two and with the plan of ignoring all semblance of the male species because let’s face it, 90% are complete idiots. So that leaves the remaining 10% who deserve it the task of working WAY too hard to even get her attention. It just isn’t worth working that hard.
Best bet is to be a friend of a friend of a hot classy babe and get a reference from the friend. That makes life easier and opens a lot of doors and possibly a few legs. This is where I’ve had the most luck.
Again, there is always an exception to the rule and I have had great experiences outside of the before mentioned, but….
Here in the southern tip, Brasil is the promise land, gentlemen. Ah Brasil….the memories.
@Julio Iglesias. Its been a while since i have read such a beta and white knighting post. Thanks for refreshing my memories on how NOT to behave around women.
@Neil Skywacker Maybe you should read some of these older articles and you’ll get the idea of what I’m talking about and get better opportunities than making out with a mediocre chick.
http://www.singledudetravel.com/2011/02/nice-guys-finish-first/
http://www.singledudetravel.com/2011/01/guest-post-why-bars-and-clubs-suck-for-meeting-girls-and-malls-are-a-virtual-unguarded-henhouse-for-men/
http://www.singledudetravel.com/2011/03/charlies-rules-for-womanizing/
http://www.singledudetravel.com/2011/11/real-men-go-to-yoga-class/
Come to Australia, dude. It’s a bit late in the year, now, but December/January – come to Australia. If you are ok with the weather and spiders in Brazil, there’s nothing here that will make you break stride. I’ll buy your book on kindle, I swear.
If you are still around in SA you should try Asuncion…
I second you on Asuncion, Antonio, especially as regards the chicas. But I have two problems with Paraguay: it’s hundreds of miles to the ocean, and (at least when I was visiting) they’re tight-assed with visas to gringos.
The Paraguayan Embassy in Washington, DC sold me visa after visa that was only good for 90 days. That’s fine if you’re going to Southern Cone for the winter, but it’s a three-leg, overnight flight to ASU from DCA.
As for the ocean thing, I sail, and I can see myself living some day on the Rambla in Pocitos, across from the yacht basin….
Beijaflor you could try to get residence in Paraguay…:-). Its not difficult and there is no income tax.
Great site. Just wanted to chime in quickly about Uruguay. I was their around New years last year with my girlfriend at the time. I agree that Montevideo is a little pricey and not a heck of a lot going on it seems like. However if you hop on a bus and take a quick ride east you will find paradise on the coast.
The little town is called Punta Del Este. Not sure of the population, maybe 10,000 or so. But for New Years and a lot of other occasions that place is packed with hot Brazilians and Argentinians. Also it is one of the top 10 places in the world to surf. It is pretty pricey, so hostel is recommended.
Great party town though. I never had fun with my ex when we went out back home in Canada, but we both had a blast together when we were down their. To save money they have great little stands and stores that sell fresh baked goods, such as meat pies and rolls which are cheap. Partying starts late, so grab a couple bottles and hit the beach with everyone else before you go clubbing.
At least there’s weed!
I agree with most of this article. Pretty pricey (and only getting worse) and not much going on. However, that shouldn’t steer everyone away from visiting. One of the reasons you may not have took to Uruguay is because it’s not very touristy. This is due to its competitive location (next to Argentine and under Brazil) so it generally gets overlooked. You don’t have bars on the beach and crazy tourist parties- but some people prefer to go on vacation and meet locals, live the way local people live. It would be like people coming to the states and visiting the midwest, for example. Not much going on, but your vision isn’t clouded by typical touristy things- you can really see how people live in the capital… not everyone’s idea of vacation, but some would surely enjoy it…
That being said, totally agree with “Big in Japan”. Punta del Este is the place for you Charlie, if you want to meet the hot chicks. Careful- it’s expensive. My favorite place, Punta del Diablo, is another place you should see. It isn’t insanely expensive and has a completely different relaxed, almost bohemian feel (if you want to connect a little more with nature, but I can only assume that you may prefer to connect with something else…)
Oh, and the unbangable girls…. may be true…. but is hard-to-get really a bad thing…. Also, just out of curiosity, what is your idea of attractive? I am a little confused, only because (in my opinion) the women in Uruguay are beautiful and very fit. If you’re looking for something incredibly “exotic-looking” you may not find it in every woman, but in general- very beautiful.
I went to both Punta del este and Diablo as well and will eventually have articles on them when I quit being so lazy. When were you there? My issue with the chicks, other than the shocking rate of obesity, was that they don’t wear makeup, nor nice clothes, and generally just have a lack of sex appeal physically and personally. The raw materials are there but there’s just something missing.
I agree with Charlie’s assessment of Uruguay’s women. They lack a little make up and they all dress like hippies. But Punta Del Este is a different story. Their you are talking about the rich of the rich among Brazil and Argentina’s females. From what I witnessed they were all put together well, even the bartender’s and server’s were hot everywhere we went.
Punta Del Diablo is a total surfer town. I think I remember Lonely Planet saying there was no bank machine in the whole town. We brought a bunch of cash and just slept on the beach a few nights. If you are really roughing it and want to just surf and drink then this is the place for you. But bring your own pussy because you will not be getting any their.