I’ve written frequently before about my love of the company of high quality women. I am at heart a womanizer. But sometimes I start to think that I’ve gotten a little too good at it. It’s hard to stop the constant picking up of beautiful friendly exotic women, and sometimes I bite off more than I can chew. Believe it or not there is such thing as having too many girlfriends! It’s so easy go on automatic pilot when traveling and I often just can’t stop myself from picking up new potential future ex-wives when I go out and there’s so many available options, and I meet more women these days than I have time to see. Womanizing is so fun in Russia when there are slamming chicks in short skirts and high heels everywhere you go. Latvian meter maids are frequently stunning. The police in Colombia? Often mamacitas calientes. Whole Foods in Austin? It’s a smorgasbord of hot yoga-taking young professional girls. Every crappy little clothing store in Bulgaria has a cute girl there with freshly done nails working there all alone all day just waiting to be rescued. It’s intoxicating and addictive.
Sometimes it’s so addictive it’s very hard to stop. I have found myself at times waking up and not feeling up to going out and having drinks with that beautiful Guatemalan girl from Ladies Night at the Mono Loco, because I had dinner with another one yesterday, cooked to bang the night before, went clubbing with a couple of Mexican chicks the night before and by that point I really just want to rip some hits off the vaporizer and chill out at home and not have to be charming all night. It starts to feel like a job.
So I’ve learned that you can have too many girlfriends. Now I’m not in favor of monogamy, of course, that would be idiotic. Variety is the spice of life. For me the perfect number of steady girlfriends is three. Keeping four part time relationships going is too much juggling for me and doesn’t leave me enough time to go out with the team and party and look for more girlfriends to put in the pipeline. Two, feels a little too much like monogamy and can get almost as stale. So for me the magic number is three.
But not just any three hot chicks will do. I have a system that seems to work best for me and it requires different types of girlfriends. They have different roles in my life and thus different job responsibilities.
Want to work for a dynamic organization? Team Charlie is always looking for high quality applicants to join our global organization. If accepted, you’ll travel the world and have lots of fun with a cool single dude. There are 3 positions open: Girlfriend Category One, Girlfriend Category Two and Girlfriend Category Three. All positions require the following qualifications:
1. Only beautiful women need apply. You don’t have to have movie star looks (a lot of those movie stars are pretty ordinary looking in real life anyway) but you must have both inner and outer beauty. Absolutely no fat chicks considered.
2. You must be nice. I will always treat you nicely, but I expect the same in return. Same team. If you like to fight, complain, make scenes, or think you deserve to be treated better than I do, do not bother to fill out an application.
3. You must be sane. I don’t like crazy chicks. Some guys get off on them, but I’m not looking for a project or a challenge, I’m looking for a companion and teammate. I don’t care about your family issues and jealousy in a woman is not hot either.
All qualified candidates will then be considered for the following positions:
Category One: Charlie’s “first string” girlfriend is a very important position requiring a highly qualified applicant. Job responsibilities include going to fancy cocktail parties, holding your own in complicated social situations with rich and/or important people, being classy, smart, and able to communicate at a high level in English or Spanish. The Category One girlfriend must be reliable, punctual, and interested in having intelligent conversation over a wide range of subjects. A smart, beautiful, nice, classy Category One is extremely difficult to find in America but quality Ones are astoundingly abundant in Eastern European places like Riga. Team activities include going to Playa del Carmen for a week of sitting on the beach and partying, being my New Year’s date in a hot party dress, and hobnobbing with ultra rich trust fund kids in their penthouse apartments in Dubai.
Category Two: This is a very fun position, with less responsibility and less demanding requirements of language proficiency or knowledge of fine wine. You have to be cool though, because we’ll be hanging out with my real friends and going out partying a lot. You have to be down to earth, laid back, and fun. Other job responsibilities include having hot friends for Boris, Raul, Art and my other cool single dude friends so we can go out together; smoking pot with me; going out dancing with me at gay bars, singing at karaoke, and sitting around watching the World Cup with me on the couch.
Category Three: This job is more like a temp job. Not a whole lot of language knowledge in common? It’s ok, we’ll make it work. Not a big fan of classical music and Impressionist Art? No problem, we’ll just grab a drink at the neighborhood bar. Too many slutty tattoos or blue hair? That’s ok, we’re not going to really be hanging out much in public. You however, must be easy to get along with and highly qualified sexually. Flexibility of schedule and not requiring a lot of advance notice to see me is a plus as well. No strings are attached to this position and this relationship can be terminated by either party without two weeks’ notice or severance consideration.
To apply, please send full body photos and references to email@example.com
Note: Team Charlie is an equal opportunity employer and candidates will be considered without discrimination based on race, color, or creed. All beautiful women are beautiful no matter what color, even if they’re one of Captain Kirk’s alien girlfriends from Zoltar. Nice, warm green women are much preferable to white, fat and bitchy.