Everywhere I go in America they’re there, mountainous creatures waddling down the street armed with their XXL Big and Tall outfits, burritos in hand, with gargantuan partners and morbidly obese children drinking Super Big Gulps filled with sugar soda. Sweating through their pits at the slightest effort and mouth breathing like some woolly mammoth out of Ice Age, these disgusting creatures are everywhere and it is only getting worse. This is an epidemic that is to America what AIDS is to Africa.
Not convinced? Look at this graphic on the CDC website. When you watch the little slideshow map you can really get an idea of how much of an epidemic this is. Now this is a map of obesity rates, not merely overweight people, with a BMI > 31. That’s not just fat, that’s, “Hey Mommy! Look at how fat the fat man there is!” fat. Even Raul wouldn’t bang one of theses chicks, unless of course he was super duper drunk. You know there is a serious problem when Raul won’t bang 30% of your state’s women (more in Mississippi, fewer in Colorado). It’s not just America either. English, Germans, Aussies, French, you are not immune to this either.
Wait, that’s not all, because there’s then even fatter category of fat people these days called the “morbidly obese”. They are like a whole new species. Blocking entire doorways and gorging themselves on processed food, some of them get so fat they can’t even walk and have to ride a little motorized scooter around. We’re headed towards a scenario like in the movie Wall.e where we all are too fat to walk and spend all of our time on flying scooters talking to our other fat friends on computer screens.
There’s still yet an even fatter class of superfat people who can’t even even leave their homes because they’re so fat. Check out this article from the Midwest about the paramedics having to get new super-reinforced ambulances to carry these aircraft carriers. I’m particularly struck by how when they radio in to dispatch they don’t even call a fat patient “a big one” until they hit 500 pounds. This is the future of America.
Our society just doesn’t seem to care about this problem. Where is the outcry? Why do our elected “leaders” spend their time fucking with gay people and fighting “the war on drugs” when fat people cause so many more problems? Fat people are much worse for society than some gay guys getting married or potheads watching Ren and Stimpy reruns.
One reason our health care system is so fucked up? Fat people. They are so unhealthy, when they get sick they need special ambulances, hospital beds, and expensive treatments. While I don’t get too involved with politics, I don’t approve of spending my tax dollars on treating fat people who have invested none of their own effort in their health. If we have public health care, we must have mandatory fitness requirements for plan participants.
Want to know why your plane tickets are so expensive these days? Fat people! It takes three times as much energy to transport a 330 pound fatass across the Atlantic than a 110 pound Chinese chick. I don’t understand why the airlines don’t charge for this. They get you for overweight baggage, why not the baggage across your waist? Plus, what’s worse than having some fat sweaty Houston businessman spilling over into your seat for 3 1/2 hours?
Fat people are bad for the environment. They use up too much food and water, and produce more waste. Just stop for a second and ponder what a 500 pound fatass shits the day after eating four Big Macs, supersize fries and apple pies, a couple bags of chips, and whatever they had for breakfast and dinner.
Yuck, Lets move on.
Fat chicks in particular are causing single dude problems big time in the USA. If 30% are obese, and then another large percentage merely “overweight” then a majority of American women are automatically unacceptable (except to Raul of course) before you start excluding them for ugliness, stupidity, bitchiness, or religious zealotry. This is why it’s so hard to find a good American girl these days. And if you do, statistically speaking it’s super likely that at least one of her friends will be enormous, so you better have Jesus as your wingman.
My friends and I even had different categories for the morbidly obese chicks we used to see out at the bars in the Midwest. They are defined not by size (all are super duper, holy-shit look how fat that bitch is fat) but by the style.
The Behemoth – The Behemoth is not to be trifled with. This seems to be the most common type of fat chick cockblock, and she can be quite nice at first. Just don’t piss her off or she will become the pissed off version of Frankenstein’s Monster and crush you with a punishing bear hug.
The Mastodon – The Mastodon is huge, and likes to call herself “big boned”. With a long wingspan and huge prehistoric toes, look out that the Mastadon doesn’t squash you underfoot like the insignificant bug you are.
The Hindenburg - This one is the classiest of the group. Usually wearing a mumu or something else free flowing. Pressurized by lots of fizz from her sugar soda, she seems to glide rather than walk. Think Aretha Franklin.
The Moby - The Moby is enormous, circular, and can block out the sun, or even Ray Lewis if necessary. Just don’t stand behind her, her spray is a disgusting mix of RC Cola, twinkie filling, and lard and is impossible to get out in the wash.
The Jabba – Like her namesake, the Jabba can barely support her weight. In younger and milder cases, The Jabba Lite can walk, but barely. She literally staggers under her weight. The Jabba Deluxe can no longer walk (like in Return of the Jedi) and gets wheeled around in a reinforced product from the Scooter Store.
And these girls are out at the bar with impunity. It’s like they’re staring at people, saying, “Yeah, I’m fat! So what? What are you going to do about it, Jack? I don’t see any problem with how I look.”
Studies actually show that being fat is contagious. If you hang out with fat people it’s a much more permissive environment for overeating and being a lazy fat disgrace. Conversely if your peer group all eats right and works out, it’s hard to feel right making a run to Taco Bell instead of step class.
The ridiculous excuses that you hear from people for being fat are also hilarious. Trying to explain why they’re literally twice the size of a healthy person makes people say the stupidest things.
“It’s a glandular problem.”
“It’s just not fair. I do everything I can. I just have a slow metabolism.”
“I don’t have time to work out, with the job and the kids.”
“I had a baby 15 years ago, and the weight just never came off.”
“My family has a problem. It’s not my fault, it’s genetics.”
“I’m a picky eater, I just don’t like how vegetables taste.”
“Don’t call me fat, you will give me an eating disorder.”
“I don’t have time to eat healthy. I only have time to eat fast food.”
“Eating healthy is too expensive, you elitist.”
“Hollywood projects an unhealthy standard on me.”
“Fuck you, fat ass!”
The fact is that fat people are lazy. Here’s the Single Dude Travel definition of lazy:
Lazy – knowing how to do something better and knowing you should do it and not doing it because you think it’s too hard.
In this case it’s really not too hard to not be fat: just stop stuffing your face all the time. But in our culture of immediate gratification self-denial is longer possible for many people.
There is another cause of all this obesity, though, and it’s the food we eat. I was at the grocery store the other day and I was just dumbfounded at how much of the “food” there was just poisonous. The greedy ass food companies put so much refined sugar, slat, high fructose corn syrup and cheap grease (hydrogenated soy bean oil) in everything they sell because it’s tastier. Of course it is, when you’re hunting and gathering 20,000 years ago sugary and fatty things were great, because you were always hungry. Now we have plenty of food. But the food companies make more money the more you eat, so they put all these addictive things in your food. It’s like we’re junkies. Sure blame us, but also blame the dealers who are getting us hooked on the stuff. For excellent reading on this topic I recommend the classic book Fast Food Nation by Eric Schlosser which today seems very prescient.
The third cause is lifestyle. When I was a kid I and my friends would run around outside all day after school until our moms called us in, playing sports, biking, etc. Nowadays kids come home and play video games and screw around on the internet while eating cheap junk food. This is why you see such a problem today with childhood obesity. The blame for this falls solidly on the parents. But what parent would deny their kid a 44 oz Super Big Gulp of Coke if they can’t say no to that box of mini donuts? Remember, fat is contagious.Ladies and gentlemen, something has to be done about this. Look at that CDC clip again. This is an epidemic worse and closer to home than AIDS. And all society is bearing the cost for these people. We know that Americans are way too lazy and stupid to change their behavior voluntarily, so ho do we fix this?
My proposal: The Fat Tax
It would be insanely easy. Just tax all that shitty processed food. Have the FDA identify what food is “Junk food” by factors like percentage of calories from fat and sugar and then tax by the calorie. Then return the money in salad subsidies. If you went to McDonald’s and a Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese was $8 and a salad was on the Dollar Menu, what would you eat? Money changes people’s behavior. It would also motivate the food manufacturers to make more healthy food and the pattern would be self-reinforcing.
Another possibility would be a class action lawsuit against the fast food companies similar to the suits against the tobacco companies in the early 2000s. If they could prove that the fast food industry held back evidence of how bad that shit was for you, there might be a case there.
To fix this on a society wide scale is next to impossible though, because McDonald’s and their cohorts are solidly entrenched in their position of influence. It really comes down to what you do and how you teach your kids. So take some responsibility, America! Quit being so lazy and have a healthy snack. Don’t drink sugar soda. Get up and move around a little. Hit the gym. Guys, you’ll feel much better and get lots more from life if you’re in good shape. It’s not as difficult as you think. But you have to do it.
Meanwhile for the rest of us, don’t just abide by this. If someone is spilling into your airplane seat, complain and tell them they’re too fat. If your girlfriend asks you if she looks fat, tell her the truth. Don’t hang out with fat people – it’s too dangerous! – and don’t fuck fat chicks! This means you too, ¡Raul!