Obesity, The AIDS of America

I see fat people.

Everywhere I go in America they’re there, mountainous creatures waddling down the street armed with their XXL Big and Tall outfits, burritos in hand, with gargantuan partners and morbidly obese children drinking Super Big Gulps filled with sugar soda.  Sweating through their pits at the slightest effort and mouth breathing like some woolly mammoth out of Ice Age, these disgusting creatures are everywhere and it is only getting worse.  This is an epidemic that is to America what AIDS is to Africa.

Not convinced?  Look at this graphic on the CDC website.  When you watch the little slideshow map you can really get an idea of how much of an epidemic this is.  Now this is a map of obesity rates, not merely overweight people, with a BMI > 31.  That’s not just fat, that’s, “Hey Mommy!  Look at how fat the fat man there is!” fat.  Even Raul wouldn’t bang one of theses chicks, unless of course he was super duper drunk.  You know there is a serious problem when Raul won’t bang 30% of your state’s women (more in Mississippi, fewer in Colorado).  It’s not just America either.  English, Germans, Aussies, French, you are not immune to this either.

Wait, that’s not all, because there’s then even fatter category of fat people these days called the “morbidly obese”.  They are like a whole new species.  Blocking entire doorways and gorging themselves on processed food, some of them get so fat they can’t even walk and have to ride a little motorized scooter around.  We’re headed towards a scenario like in the movie Wall.e where we all are too fat to walk and spend all of our time on flying scooters talking to our other fat friends on computer screens.

There’s still yet an even fatter class of superfat people who can’t even even leave their homes because they’re so fat.  Check out this article from the Midwest about the paramedics having to get new super-reinforced ambulances to carry these aircraft carriers.  I’m particularly struck by how when they radio in to dispatch they don’t even call a fat patient “a big one” until they hit 500 pounds.  This is the future of America.

Our society just doesn’t seem to care about this problem.  Where is the outcry?  Why do our elected “leaders” spend their time fucking with gay people and fighting “the war on drugs” when fat people cause so many more problems?  Fat people are much worse for society than some gay guys getting married or potheads watching Ren and Stimpy reruns.

One reason our health care system is so fucked up?  Fat people.  They are so unhealthy, when they get sick they need special ambulances, hospital beds, and expensive treatments.  While I don’t get too involved with politics, I don’t approve of spending my tax dollars on treating fat people who have invested none of their own effort in their health.  If we have public health care, we must have mandatory fitness requirements for plan participants.

Want to know why your plane tickets are so expensive these days?  Fat people!  It takes three times as much energy to transport a 330 pound fatass across the Atlantic than a 110 pound Chinese chick.  I don’t understand why the airlines don’t charge for this.  They get you for overweight baggage, why not the baggage across your waist?  Plus, what’s worse than having some fat sweaty Houston businessman spilling over into your seat for 3 1/2 hours?

Fat people are bad for the environment.  They use up too much food and water, and produce more waste.  Just stop for a second and ponder what a 500 pound fatass shits the day after eating four Big Macs, supersize fries and apple pies, a couple bags of chips, and whatever they had for breakfast and dinner.

Yuck,  Lets move on.

Fat chicks in particular are causing single dude problems big time in the USA.  If 30% are obese, and then another large percentage merely “overweight” then a majority of American women are automatically unacceptable (except to Raul of course) before you start excluding them for ugliness, stupidity, bitchiness, or religious zealotry.  This is why it’s so hard to find a good American girl these days.  And if you do, statistically speaking it’s super likely that at least one of her friends will be enormous, so you better have Jesus as your wingman.

My friends and I even had different categories for the morbidly obese chicks we used to see out at the bars in the Midwest.  They are defined not by size (all are super duper, holy-shit look how fat that bitch is fat) but by the style.

The Behemoth – The Behemoth is not to be trifled with.  This seems to be the most common type of fat chick cockblock, and she can be quite nice at first.  Just don’t piss her off or she will become the pissed off version of Frankenstein’s Monster and crush you with a punishing bear hug.

The Mastodon – The Mastodon is huge, and likes to call herself “big boned”.  With a long wingspan and huge prehistoric toes, look out that the Mastadon doesn’t squash you underfoot like the insignificant bug you are.

The Hindenburg -  This one is the classiest of the group.  Usually wearing a mumu or something else free flowing.  Pressurized by lots of fizz from her sugar soda, she seems to glide rather than walk.  Think Aretha Franklin.

The Moby -  The Moby is enormous, circular, and can block out the sun, or even Ray Lewis if necessary.  Just don’t stand behind her, her spray is a disgusting mix of RC Cola, twinkie filling, and lard and is impossible to get out in the wash.

The Jabba – Like her namesake, the Jabba can barely support her weight.  In younger and milder cases, The Jabba Lite can walk, but barely.  She literally staggers under her weight.  The Jabba Deluxe can no longer walk (like in Return of the Jedi) and gets wheeled around in a reinforced product from the Scooter Store.

And these girls are out at the bar with impunity.  It’s like they’re staring at people, saying, “Yeah, I’m fat!  So what?  What are you going to do about it, Jack?  I don’t see any problem with how I look.”

Studies actually show that being fat is contagious. If you hang out with fat people it’s a much more permissive environment for overeating and being a lazy fat disgrace.  Conversely if your peer group all eats right and works out, it’s hard to feel right making a run to Taco Bell instead of step class.

The ridiculous excuses that you hear from people for being fat are also hilarious.  Trying to explain why they’re literally twice the size of a healthy person makes people say the stupidest things.

“It’s a glandular problem.”

“It’s just not fair.  I do everything I can. I just have a slow metabolism.”

“I don’t have time to work out, with the job and the kids.”

“I had a baby 15 years ago, and the weight just never came off.”

“My family has a problem.  It’s not my fault, it’s genetics.”

“I’m a picky eater, I just don’t like how vegetables taste.”

“Don’t call me fat, you will give me an eating disorder.”

“I don’t have time to eat healthy.  I only have time to eat fast food.”

Eating healthy is too expensive, you elitist.”

“Hollywood projects an unhealthy standard on me.”

“Fuck you, fat ass!”

The fact is that fat people are lazy.  Here’s the Single Dude Travel definition of lazy:

Lazy – knowing how to do something better and knowing you should do it and not doing it because you think it’s too hard.

In this case it’s really not too hard to not be fat: just stop stuffing your face all the time.  But in our culture of immediate gratification self-denial is longer possible for many people.

There is another cause of all this obesity, though, and it’s the food we eat.  I was at the grocery store the other day and I was just dumbfounded at how much of the “food” there was just poisonous.  The greedy ass food companies put so much refined sugar, slat, high fructose corn syrup and cheap grease (hydrogenated soy bean oil) in everything they sell because it’s tastier.  Of course it is, when you’re hunting and gathering 20,000 years ago sugary and fatty things were great, because you were always hungry.  Now we have plenty of food.  But the food companies make more money the more you eat, so they put all these addictive things in your food.  It’s like we’re junkies.  Sure blame us, but also blame the dealers who are getting us hooked on the stuff.  For excellent reading on this topic I recommend the classic book Fast Food Nation by Eric Schlosser which today seems very prescient.

The third cause is lifestyle.  When I was a kid I and my friends would run around outside all day after school until our moms called us in, playing sports, biking, etc.  Nowadays kids come home and play video games and screw around on the internet while eating cheap junk food.  This is why you see such a problem today with childhood obesity.  The blame for this falls solidly on the parents.  But what parent would deny their kid a 44 oz Super Big Gulp of Coke if they can’t say no to that box of mini donuts?  Remember, fat is contagious.

These kids' parents should go to jail.

Ladies and gentlemen, something has to be done about this.  Look at that CDC clip again.  This is an epidemic worse and closer to home than AIDS.  And all society is bearing the cost for these people.  We know that Americans are way too lazy and stupid to change their behavior voluntarily, so ho do we fix this?

My proposal:  The Fat Tax

It would be insanely easy.  Just tax all that shitty processed food.  Have the FDA identify what food is “Junk food” by factors like percentage of calories from fat and sugar and then tax by the calorie.  Then return the money in salad subsidies.  If you went to McDonald’s and a Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese was $8 and a salad was on the Dollar Menu, what would you eat?  Money changes people’s behavior.  It would also motivate the food manufacturers to make more healthy food and the pattern would be self-reinforcing.

Another possibility would be a class action lawsuit against the fast food companies similar to the suits against the tobacco companies in the early 2000s.  If they could prove that the fast food industry held back evidence of how bad that shit was for you, there might be a case there.

To fix this on a society wide scale is next to impossible though, because McDonald’s and their cohorts are solidly entrenched in their position of influence.  It really comes down to what you do and how you teach your kids.  So take some responsibility, America!  Quit being so lazy and have a healthy snack.  Don’t drink sugar soda.  Get up and move around a little.  Hit the gym.  Guys, you’ll feel much better and get lots more from life if you’re in good shape.  It’s not as difficult as you think.  But you have to do it.

Meanwhile for the rest of us, don’t just abide by this.  If someone is spilling into your airplane seat, complain and tell them they’re too fat.  If your girlfriend asks you if she looks fat, tell her the truth.  Don’t hang out with fat people – it’s too dangerous! – and don’t fuck fat chicks!  This means you too, ¡Raul!

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35 comments to Obesity, The AIDS of America

  • Ottimus

    Amazing post. I see this everywhere. And I live in an area supposedly healthy by modern American standards.
    “ugliness, stupidity, bitchiness, or religious zealotry”
    That was my last American girlfriend. Also as in, LAST American girlfriend.
    I’ll follow what both sides of my family advised me to do and marry back into the European culture. But one culture not yet poisoned by all this bullshit of modern living/lifestyle.
    Fat women who have no trouble parading around in athletic apparel and pajamas, expecting men to love them no matter how they behave or look. I’ve had enough.

  • KaylaF

    So, I have this sexy little game I like to play. I like to cover myself in Twinkies and take a slow walk down the street while all the fat people chase after me. Haven’t lost a Twinkie yet ;)

  • Anon

    Someone on facebook posted this and I was prepared to be offended. I read through the article and was laughing my ass off and wishing I had this during my Government class last semester.

  • Stu

    With all the GMO processed foods and cheap easy foods vs pricey health food it is easy to see why people are fat. But. Whatever. There will always be people like you. Judgementl know it all creeps who probably screw fat women and bed anyway and never tell your friends. Because skinny women want nothing to do with you.

  • TruthRobbo

    Charlie

    I BET you are a ginger: go on admit it- you are aren’t you.

    Horrible sickening sight those god-damn awful gingers with their ginger pubes- Christ how yuck is that?

  • Richard

    Another excellent article Charlie. As a Brit, the “obesity revolution” is more recent, so I have observed it even in my lifetime. I arrived at the same conclusion (tax the bad, promote the good); there has in fact been a lot of talk recently of tackling the “obesity epidemic”. It is such a shame that no drastic action will be taken since that 30% have the capacity (assuming they can locomote themselves) to vote.

    —–

    Might I point out that to all males, being fat presents a huge barrier. Fat cells generate oestrogen, which is the reason why you see so many fat people with breasts (yes, actual breast tissue). With oestrogen in the blood, sexual potency and libido is killed (compounded by a poor self-image).

    A quick piece of advice to any larger readers, and in fact all men; the liver converts oestrogen to testosterone all the time in men, the two hormones are very similar. There are certain foods which block this process: soya beans and grapefruit are the worst, so avoid eating these where possible. A google search of “food diet oestrogen men” will provide more information.

    Tips to address your hormonal balance: build muscle (muscle generates testosterone), lose weight, eat well and avoid grapefruit + soya beans.

  • Socratic Dog

    I shagged a fat chick once. I was drunker than she was. It felt funny. In the morning I found that most of the skin was missing from my johnson. It was the huge fat hairy pussy lips, they sandpapered it bare.

    I offer you fair warning. Take it or leave it.

  • berry picker

    Some people like being obese because it gives them a sense of stature. When they walk into a room, they are now somebody! Not like before when they were a skinny nobody. It also gives them a sense entitlement. They feel they deserve more space in the car, preferential seating,etc. because they are fat and others need to be understanding of this. In reality, it is just another way to bully people. It is a way for people to be the victim and the bully at the same time!

  • Drew

    I find that most of the populace who should beep when in the reverse mode and likely need rearview mirrors to avoid crushing me are also the ones most likely to not come to my house when the financial house of cards collapses.
    It’s the fit ones I worry most about…. the larger ones will starve to death in about…..
    Okay, they’re more likely to die of thirst not being able to waddle further than the empty fridge to the sink to get a drink.

  • Jared

    So take some responsibility, America!

    &

    Sue somebody!

    Another possibility would be a class action lawsuit against the fast food companies similar to the suits against the tobacco companies in the early 2000s”

    Much as I agree with 9/10′s of what was said in this article, this one I can’t say I agree with. Here’s why: When I started junior year in high-school I weighed 240. But deciding that I had had enough, and I started actually caring. About ten months later, I weighed 190. Doctor said I was perfectly healthy to weigh that much for someone 6’2 with a 6’4 father.

    … I became Jared from Subway.

    • Well, that’s sweet dude, but unfortunately the rest of America doesn’t have your willpower. This is a public health problem and the only way I see to fix it is to do something large scale. Since McDonalds and Co. are big contributors to our politicians, the legislative route is probably impossible, so I think the judicial is the only possible way.

  • Jim

    Our healthcare system is not “fucked up” because of fat people. It was fucked up waaaaay before this so-called epidemic of obesity took place. It is “fucked up” because it is a for profit system run by greedy assholes who only care about how much money they can squeeze out of working class US citizens. Meanwhile illegal aliens show up in emergency rooms by the thousands everyday and get treated for free because the cost gets passed on to healthcare preimium paying consumers.

    You fucking people need to get your heads out of your collective ass and start worrying about real problems and not worrying about media hype like the obesity epidemic. The obesity epidemic is bullshit; it is for the most part a contrived load of shit that generates billions of dollars for the healthcare industry, and diet industry. Recent studies in the US and Austrialia have indicated that much of the healthcare horror stories we see about obesity in the media are connected in some way to special intrest groups or organizations that profit big time from the treatment of obesity related ailments or the treatment of obesity itself. Stupid people like you need to learn what is falsified garbage and what is real so that we can move forward and fix what is wrong with our healthcare system. I strongly suggest you do some REAL research before you open your mouth on this subject again or better yet, just STFU.

    • Jim,

      Valid point on illegals – that situation sucks.

      However the rest of your rambling nonsense proves that you are a complete idiot. The only research required to spot the obesity epidemic in the US is to go outside your home and walk around for an hour or two. You seem to also be implying that obesity is not a health problem. Seriously? If you are that stupid you should probably look into public assistance for those with mental handicaps because you are definitely afflicted.

    • Dude have you been in America lately and walked outside? You’d have to be blind not to see the obesity everywhere! What planet are you on?

    • Michal

      LOL dude, time to look outside. Or maybe it’s the effect of obesity normalization where you cannot event tell that somebody is fat since almost everybody is fat. Anyways, I don’t even give a f@#$ about their health, but if ~60% girls are undateable off the bat that is an effing epidemic!
      And although I generally don’t agree with govt intervening too much, I for one think fat tax is a great idea. However, it should begin with abolishing sugar subsidies, maybe subsidizing healthy food instead. And I’d add tough health insurance premium surcharges for voluntarily obese/overweight people, similar to smoker’s penalties. Let’s make it cheap to be healthy and expensive to be fat in this country. In 5 years the streets would look different, guaranteed. It’s not going to happen, but one can dream…

  • Carmo

    Obesity definitely becomes the norm in social circles/work environments where more people are fat that thin. What happens at that point is fairly predictable, they all sit around and talk about how they “have a slow metabolism” or that “It’s not healthy to be skinny”, or any number of other absurd rationalizations. I am a thin guy, not super skinny, not fat, but thin and I work in an environment that is dominated by big fat women. From the way they talk to me sometimes you would think that I am the unhealthy freak that needs to drastically change my lifestyle in order to survive. What’s worse is that they sit around and talk about how they can’t get a good man and why they are having this problem. “Men are weak and can’t handle a strong women” is the mantra that I often hear around the office. Never underestimate the power of self delusion.

    • Wulf

      First off the women you have picture at the top of you little diatribe are NOT obese, in fact some of them are smoking HAWT and rather healthy looking. I for one am glad there is a so called obesity epidemic because I love the fat girls. There is nothing hotter than a nice big soft girl to climb into bed with and explore her big round body. No REAL man wants some waif like whiny bitch whose collar bones stick out more than her breasts do. No REAL man wants to feel his woman’s hip bones when he is having sex with her and in fact studies show that most guys would rather have sex with an overweight woman than a thin one.

      Sure in the US and in other parts of the world our women and some of our men are getting hugely fat but never in the history of mankind has food been so abundant either. This is an environmental and sociological issue and being so, it is a natural course of human events. It’s best that we all get used to it until something comes along in our natural world that changes the circumstances in which we live. Because if preaching, shaming, and prejudicial attitudes were the way to make everybody thin there would be no fat people in existence. Fat hate is the only epidemic I see her that is a problem.

  • That obesity animated graphic from the CDC is absolutely appalling. I just watched it for the first time. I never knew it had gotten THAT bad.

  • M

    One more observation…I think obesity in guys and chicks is rewarded in our society. Here’s my thoughts: If you fill a bar on a Friday night with a bunch of fat chicks and tubby guys, the ones that are most likely to get laid will be the dudes or chicks that are relatively slim compared to their competition. To paraphrase Hannibal Lecter (yes, I’m quoting “Hannibal the Cannibal”), “We covet what see, Clarice”. In this context, all of the fat dudes are going to scope the bar and will gravitate towards – or covet – the thinnest of the fat chicks, and the same with the fat chicks towards the thinner of the tubby dudes. So the next morning the dudes and chicks that are only mildly obese think they’re still smok’in hot because they got laid, even though if they were transplanted to a similar bar in Paris or Amsterdam they would look like beached Sperm Whales compared to the locals and would most likely woken up alone the next morning. Against a backdrop where everyone is fat the thinnest of the fat will do well and have no incentive to drop the weight or improve themselves. The lesson learned is you don’t have to be thin in order to get laid, you just have to be thinner than the rest of the fatties. I think that’s what’s happening in the U.S, UK and Ireland right now. Dudes and chicks are settling for what they see in front of them rather than looking for someone who is carrying a healthy weight and maintaining a healthy lifestyle. Again, just my random observations…

  • M

    Charlie, I agree with your observations about the super-sizing of the average American. I live in The Netherlands, and anytime I return to the “home of the free” and pass through customs at JFK, Dulles, or Atlanta the first thing that hits me – not literally – is the size of my fellow Americans. Not that we’re alone in gaining girth. The Brits and Germans are close behind. I also agree with you about the crappy food options and the sedentary lifestyle Americans have chosen. But I disagree with you on the tax. I like this blog because it is about individual choice and self-determination. If some people don’t have the will power, accountability or personal responsibility to look after themselves then why do we need another tax or expensive government program to penalize everyone? Not to get into a political discussion, but why not reward those of us who do prepare healthy meals, read the contents on the prepared food packages, exercise regularly and generally take care of ourselves. We all know that obesity leads to a number of costly diseases, such as heart disease, high blood pressure and diabetese. Instead of imposing a tax on all of us why not allow the health insurance companies to reward people who choose to maintain healthy a lifestyle (keeping a proper BMI, Lower BP, Lower cholesteral, etc.) by allowing them to sell lower cost health insurance to those customers who meet their criteria. This is nothing new in the insurance industry. Smokers and alcoholics already pay more for life insurance than others who choose not to smoke or to become a lush. The incentive would be for the fatties to drop some lbs in order to qualify for the lower insurance. I know this can lead to a charged discussion about health insurance, which was not my intent. My general point is that we all should be accountable for our choices, and if the fatties choose to be fat (in most cases I don’t buy the medical condition excuse), then they should be responsible for their decision and accountable for the costs associated for their condition. Not me or you.

    • I am with you M. I begged Charlie not to advocate any resolution that involves the shitty US Government. I would rather literally burn my money than give it to the US Government. I feel like the US Government and US politicians are so shitty that people almost have a moral obligation to work toward shrinking government rather than growing it. You are totally on the money. Perhaps I should write a dissent at the bottom.

    • M I agree with you principles of self-determination, but the truth of the American people is they are too fat and lazy and stupid to do anything about changing their behavior unless you hit them in the wallet. Look at the CDC map. There is no way that this trend will reverse without drastic action by someone. It’s a public health issue and in my opinion the only (disagreeable but necessary) solution is legislation. Look at the decline in smoking after cigarette taxes went through the roof. I’m not a huge fan of government but I’d much rather they were stopping fat chicks than bombing the Middle East and giving a bunch of my tax dollars to asshat bankers.

  • El Matador

    And has anyone else felt the dread of getting on a plane with obese people wondering if you were going to get stuck sitting next to them? I saw a normal sized girl in the window seat disappear behind a hippo sitting in the middle. The poor girl was pinned in there with no room never to be seen again for the rest of the flight!

    • Andy

      That is why I always make it a top priority for myself to get an aisle seat but even then I still fear sitting next to these walruses whether it’s a cross-country or long-haul international flight.

      • I wonder if it would be possible to bribe a shrink to give you a note saying you have a phobia of fat people thus forcing them to move you or the offending walrus.

  • Andy

    Another excellent post, Charlie. I just take pride on being able to easily outrun the aforementioned fatties. Heck, I can even outwalk them. The point is that going to the gym or a simple jog/walk in the park pays off in the long run. Like being able to evade getting crushed or suffocated by these stay puffs. I’d rather sleep in a bear cave while wearing a blonde wig than bang a fat chick. My standards are way too high anyway.

  • El nino

    Yep. That’s all I can say…

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