A Beginner's Guide to the Women of Miami

Models on the BeachLet me say right now that this attempt to explain Miami will be in no way comprehensive. It would take a team of experts to do justice to the penile playground that is the greater Miami Fort Lauderdale area. I’m simply flattered that Charlie asked me to take a crack at it. This is the first of what I hope will be many entries from other contributors so that Single Dude Travel’s readership can get a taste of what’s going on down there.

So, what is this Miami thing made of? The first ingredient is money. Crazy boatloads of it, much of it arriving in crazy expensive boats and planes. The next ingredient is drugs. Crazy boatloads of it arriving in, you guessed it, on expensive boats. (BTW planes are passé. Helicopters are da shit in Miami). If you took any chemistry courses in college, you would have learned that when you combine money, drugs and expensive boats, the natural result is a disproportionate and surprising amount of extremely hot women competing for these resources. When there are vast populations of hot women vying for the opportunity to ride in boats full of money and drugs, what you will always find is their natural predator, the asshole-douchebags (ADs) trying to snare them.

Welcome to Miami!

So, who are these women of Miami? First of all, they are all from somewhere else which creates a dynamic which allows them to behave far outrageously than they would back home in Lancaster Pennsylvania . Miami is the place where women test their nuclear weapons such as joining the many swingers parties to hopefully get
one of the many rich guys to sign on the dotted line ensuring them of a life filled with money, boats, helicopter rides, drugs
. Please note that South Florida has our countries largest concentration of drug-rehab centers. There is a reason for this as it is not all sunshine and rainbows in the Sunshine State.

The first and my favorite category of women are models and girls who want to be discovered as models. This is a very blurry category that you shouldn’t ever be intimidated by. At least to Hollywood’s credit, it is filled with wannabe actresses hoping to be discovered. Here in Miami, these girls just want to be recognized for being pretty and doing nothing nothing else at all. This charade of modeling is simply a way of getting attention, hopefully from successful guys who will marry them. The ″models″ are absolutely everywhere, waiting tables, working as hostesses at restaurants (less skilled but prettier), walking around with yoga mats or going to buy a wheat grass juice. You need only remember that ″models″ are very insecure and are only there to meet a guy who will tell them what to do next. Don’t be intimidated by the fact they look way better than anyone back in Cleveland. The downside is they are very very ADD. They will give you their phone number but genuinely not remember who you are when you call. They will accept invitations and not show up. Best just intercept them upon meeting them and take them on a date immediately since they didn’t have anywhere to go or anything important to do anyway. The best areas for interacting with ″models″ in south beach are Lincoln Road, along Collins Ave late at night after Lincoln cools off, around Nikki Beach after 11pm and a suburb called Brickel Bay. This is a great little area full of very upscale Latinas frequenting posh night spots. Your gay wingman can make it all work out for you as he knows exactly what’s going on every night. Clubs in Miami have become Hip Hop Hell. Bring a gun. Ocean Drive is The Jerry Springer Show at night. Miami is wonderful for meeting women because of all the great ethnic groups found there. Some of the hottest women in the world congregate here after ditching the loser guys in their hometowns in Latin America, East Europe, and elsewhere in the US. The Latina population in Miami is it’s greatest treasure, warm-hearted and proudly hot-blooded, these girls always let you know where you stand. They are often mistaken for models when they actually just want to get married before they hit 22. They dress provocatively and call themselves Catholic. The good news about the religiously avowed is that they are the easiest to get in to bed. They are amazing dancers every one of them, so don’t take them dancing unless you can deliver.

Here is my take on the different flavors of Latinas in Miami:

Cubans – Wicked smart and ideological, they are the most European in outlook.Their fathers earned their money here.

Venezuelans – Hailing from the plastic surgery and Miss Universe capital of the world, these girls are energetic beyond belief. Their fathers stole their money fair and square.

Colombians – Less encumbered by deep thoughts, these girls love to take care of their man. Their fathers got rich from making coke.

Brazilians – Many Brazilian models legitimately work in Miami as there is much work for them. There isn’t much reason for Brazilians to leave home since they already had everything Miami has in spades. These girls are relaxed! They love a good laugh and are the most well adjusted of the latinas. Miami seems to be a hotbed of gorgeous Brazilian girls and the only place they want to be in USA. Their fathers are far away, making little money in a municipal office.

Haitians – Don’t bother. Too hostile, prone to earthquakes. They don’t know who their fathers are.

Mexicans – They can’t really compete on this terrain.

Eastern Europeans – These girls don’t tan so they are mainly nocturnal creatures. The models have very hard exteriors from dealing with douchebags. They have a precision-honed strategy for landing a really rich guy in the area. They have x-ray vision and can see your net-worth. Or they simply hack your bank account to find out, I’m not really sure. There are vast neighborhoods full of Russians in far northern Miami (near the best shopping mall Bal Harbor) in expensive condos. They possess most of the wealth of Russia. They fathers are mafia douchebags who stole all their money at gun-point.

Ok, so where’s the opportunity if you aren’t rich and arriving in a Ferrari?

You, my friend, are different. You aren’t the asshole or a douchbag. You are the most refreshing guy to come along in months. You don’t need expensive toys to impress anyone nor do you need to dress up like a backup dancer for Ricky Martin. I have been told many times from my female friends there how desperate women are in Miami for a Normal Real Guy. After these women have been used up, lied to, roofie’d, photographed, played, consumed, humbled and released from treatment centers, they’ve grown up and are ready for actual real men.

Bienvenidos à Miami!

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14 comments to A Beginner’s Guide to the Women of Miami

  • Floyd

    Colombian woman are great but there is a dark side to them. They will play nice to get what they want which is usually a two year period while official visa papers are drawn up. She probably is just not that into you lol

  • pepe

    You forgot all the divorce whores and cougars in Miami that will sleep with you on the first date…second date if they want to pretend to be decent.

  • Numbnut

    When discussing Miami girls, you can’t forget to mention the ubiquitous “coke whore.” The thing about coke whores is not only that they will do whatever drugs you have, pound down drinks, pretend that they are going to go home with you, leave you whih the typically huge bar tab for them and all of their girlfriends who ended up showing up, and then take off for the next party. Do these girls ever think to offer to buy a drink or contribute a dime? Never. They should remember that half of “coke whore” is “whore.” Just keep in mind that feeding these hot Miami girls drugs and drinks gets you no closer to getting laid than if you didn’t. Blowing your money on these coke whores is your decision — its a free world. Just don’t think that you’ll get anything from it.

  • El Matador

    Latina girls get naked when you speak Spanish to them using the Cyrillic alphabet.
    It’s just one of those things.

  • Colombians – Less encumbered by deep thoughts, these girls love to take care of their man.

    All right that’s it. I publicly admit, right now, that MOST of the time that sounds just heavenly. Sign me the heck up.

    I mean sure, a great conversationalist and cutting intellect, yes, those are great things. But the woman I sleep with and who raises my children? Other qualities like sweet, agreeable and helpful race to the top of the list.

    Besides, it can’t be that the Colombianas are just dumb. It can’t be that. But I would love to better understand… what I obviously don’t understand about them.

    (ramble ramble…)

  • “You need only remember that ‘models’ are very insecure and are only there to meet a guy who will tell them what to do next.”

    OK. I am now officially in like — deep like — with this blog. I’ll read many paragraphs for a shot at sentences like this one.

  • cory

    You forgot learn a little spanish. Latinas LOVE it when a guapo gringo speaks to them (or atleast TRYS) in their native tongue. Works every time.

  • El Matador

    Ashley, this doesn’t concern you. This about hot women in Miami. You haven’t even traveled outside of Alabama. Go back to what you were doing, Ok?

  • ashley

    ugh matadork, you’re the worst of them all

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