The Single Dude's Guide to New Orleans

A famous and classic American party destination, New Orleans, the city of jambalaya, Hand Grenades, Mardi Gras, Emeril, the Saints, Louis Armstrong, and Bourbon Street took a huge hit in the tragedy 2005′s Hurricane Katrina.  Boris and I made a brief visit there recently and are happy to announce that the party in New Orleans is still going strong.  Amazing food, lots of live music, and plenty of heavy drinking make New Orleans a vacation destination worth visiting.

But, New Orleans is not a great single dude travel destination.  High drink prices, stupid trashy locals, and the rise of hipsterism and douchebaggery have lowered the status of one of America’s former crown jewels to the back of the pack of so-so places to take a single dude trip.  You can still make it happen there, but there are other places even in America that are much better choices as to where you spend your hard earned money and vacation time.

Flying into New Orleans’ Louis Armstrong International Airport (MSY) can often be more expensive than it should be, so shop around.  You can then take an extremely overpriced taxi to the city ($35) and get to work.

The good news is that New Orleans has a huge tourist infrastructure of hotels for all the partying and conventions there so as long as you aren’t there for a major event like Mardi Gras or Jazzfest, you will be able to Priceline or Hotwire a hotel very cheaply.  A bid of $40-50 on Priceline should be enough to get a 3 star hotel in The French Quarter or the Central Business District.  Do not, under any circumstances ,stay outside of the center of town.  Everything takes place in the center and you do not want to be driving drunk or wasting money on taxis – central New Orleans is very walkable.

The most famous street in New Orleans and one of the most famous party streets in the world is Bourbon Street.  Nightly the street is thronged with drunk kids, fat American tourists, confused foreign tourists and conventioneers looking for the party.  On Mardi Gras the street is absolutely impassable and filled with screeching drunk college kids, floppy nasty boobs, beer bottles, and all types of human excrement.  Even on a regular Saturday night it will be so crowded you’ll need to shove your way through.  The bars on Bourbon Street, especially close to Canal Street are super douchey bars with ultra loud crappy hip hop and Sweet Home Alabama cover bands, really trashy strip clubs, foam cowboy hats and airhorns.  The strip clubs are fun though.  A good tip is if you want to pick up strippers go to the bars and restaurants just up the side streets, and catch them before and after their shifts.  Just for the love of God, be careful.  STDs and violent ex-boyfriends cling to these girls like Rosie O’Donnell to a turkey leg.

Bourbon Street is also home to some of the most overpriced drinks in America.  You can easily go into a shitty bar and spend 7 dollars on a flat Miller Lite draft in a plastic cup.  This is the number 1 reason why we recommend Austin’s 6th Street instead – the chicks are hotter and there’s $2 well specials and Jaegerbombs to be had everywhere there.  Not in NOLA, Bourbon Street is a tourist trap.  Go have a drink and move on.  One more warning, Bourbon Street is home to the worst mixed drink in the world, the Hand Grenade.  Don’t tell us we didn’t warn you. This is the first time I have ever seen Boris not be able to finish a drink.

Another formerly great street is Frenchman Street.  Located just outside of the Quarter, a couple years ago it was an oasis of cool places with great music and smart alternative cute girls.  Today the music is still good but the neighborhood has been absolutely taken over by hipsters.  I went with Boris into my favorite bar there from years ago, The Spotted Cat, and the place was absolutely filled with losers in skinny jeans and ironic footwear with ironic mustaches and no life ambition outside of being too cool for everything, having the same tattoos as all the other hipsters and liking shitty emo bands that no one else has ever heard of.  You can still make it work on Frenchmen, but the odds are much, much worse than they were in the good old days. Maison and DBA are decent options.  If you have a date you can take her to Snug Harbor, one of the world’s best jazz clubs. That place still has awesome talent playing in a classy environment.

If you want to meet classy smart grown up women in New Orleans, don’t bother with the locals.  It appears to us that most of the bangable local women are really skanky stretched out low class chicks with cheap fake boobs.  Basically they’re all strippers or former strippers or soon-to-be strippers.  As there is no major industry outside of tourism the quality locals are very few and far between.

If you’re looking to meet a high quality woman in New Orleans you have a couple options: tourists and conventioneers.  The conventions are hit-and-miss depending on what convention is there – if it’s an insurance salesman or mortgage broker convention you’re in bad shape but if you catch a nurse convention or pharmaceutical rep convention you’ll be knee deep.  If there’s something promising in town, go down to the convention center and set up shop in the local Starbucks and clean up.  Convention chicks are usually on their one trip per year out of Omaha away from their fat husbands and screaming kids and are in the mood to laisser le bon temps rouler.  Just get them away from their colleagues’ prying eyes.

The crown jewel of places to go is the Davenport Lounge in the Ritz Hotel.  Trumpeter Jeremy Davenport plays there with his band Thurs-Sat and the place is absolutely filled with hot trophy wives, rich daddy’s girls, classy tourist girls, and gold diggersDress to impress and be content knowing that you will pay the same or even less for a beer there than you will on Bourbon Street (our experience $6.57 vs $7.00).  It’s a tough scene in there, but the place is loaded with talent and the music is world class.

Now if you like food and music and are importing your own talent New Orleans is an excellent place for a trip.  The hotels are good and cheap, and the restaurants are as good as the best in New York or San Fran at 40% of the cost.  My favorite restaurant is Jacques Imo’s Cafe.  The food is off the hook, so get as baked as possible and go eat your ass off there.  The alligator cheesecake is legendary.

From Spencer at Cook to Bang:

The Ruby Slipper is the best breakfast joint in the world. Bananas Foster French Toast is A-mazing.  Slim Goodies is another good one. Shrimp Etouffe and eggs.

You must also visit Cafe du Monde at 1039 Decatur Street.  A landmark for years, they serve cheap coffee and the most delicious beignets 24 hours a day.  Bring tourist chicks there for a classic and extremely cheap date.

It breaks my heart that a formerly great party city like New Orleans has fallen into the pack of mediocrity.  It is unfortunately extremely difficult to find any good places that aren’t too douchey or hipster, or just plain trashy.  We at Single Dude Travel hate to see the loss of one of our own.  Join us in praying for this once amazing place.

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29 comments to The Single Dude’s Guide to New Orleans

  • ReZ

    NOLa is still an amazing place. Okay you are right hipsters suck, but they can never tarnish such beautiful place

  • Roger

    Totally agree with the article, been living in NOLA since the 80′s and today this city is nothing like it was in the 80′s and 90′s. we used to meet all kind of beautiful , down to earth ladies, the clubs were nice, and the city had nice parties every where. today every thing sucks, ladies are ugly, rude, and pretentious, its hard to imagine living here much longer.
    Roger

  • Pete

    I just banged one of the stripper on the bourbon street. It was awesome. She was great. I will never forget her. Her ass was great. I finished in 5 minutes but she was so nic. She let me do it again for the same price. New Orleans is great. I recommend it for everyone… What a night… Wow wow wow

  • danielle

    Idiots like you are the reason the country thinks new orleans is a trash hole. Just because you probably fell into the tourist hype like every other douchebag guy hoping to get an easy lay doesn’t mean you know this city or can seem begin to understand how amazing it’s rich history and culture really are. I’m a local, born and raised 5min outside of the heart of the city, and I am nothing like your description of “a new orleans local girl”.. neither are my friends or family. Several of us have class, and are respectable, intelligent people. Oh. .. and I’m also a bartender in the city! Wait… now you must really think I’m trashy. Well I’m not… cause the money I make (which is probably much more than your yearly salary) puts me through college. Did I mention I’m pursuing two bachelor degrees… and a minor. Many locals do the same thing. Ill bet you 100 dollars that if you were to go on bourbon street, find any drunk passed out on the sidewalk, and pull out their id.. it would show that they are from another state… not Louisiana. Don’t get mad because we play on your touristy, douchebag frat boy, drunken party animal stupidity… then laugh at your stupid ass AND still find time to actually help you wobble back to your hotel in a drunken stupor. Youre the one that played into the tourist trap. I’ll end it here… I’m going to one of the MANY classy, yet laid back, friendly, moderately priced craft cocktail bars that my wonderful city has to offer. Thank God people like you haven’t discovered those bars yet. Btw… they’re right off of your beloved bourbon street! Who’d have guessed that!!!

    • Are you a stripper part time too? You know, “just to pay for college”?

    • Ben from The Bulldog

      Charlie look in the mirror you are the douche you speak of just a scumbag… I love Our City it is beautiful colorful and has some of the most wonderful women in the world I have ever met. It sounds like you did get stuck in the tourist trap and I feel sorry for that because you missed everything beautiful about Our City!!!

  • NYB

    “If you want to meet classy smart grown up women in New Orleans, don’t bother with the locals.” A deft opinion by someone who stayed in a 2 mile square radius of the French Quarter. I hope you caught gonorrhea from a stripper.

  • Cat

    Sad to hear the city is at its worst. Know who’s fault is that?

  • Taylor

    Hi I’m a woman and work on Bourbon as well as born and raised in New Orleans. On Bourbon Street the term for customers is street walkers and its actually gross to go home with one. Also before u trash on a city’s locals realize that if u ask 90% of people who are in NO or work on Bourbon Street they aren’t from here, perfect example all the people who commented about agreeing with you aren’t. Plus it’s not expensive if u dumb asses would stop being assholes when we try to tell u about our specials and stop trying to hustle us like we are playing some kind of game because you will lose. But don’t let that stop you from coming because, you know, you pay my bills.

    • Taylor

      Yeah and before u call us local skanky have a tourist get ate out by her husband on your bar and you’ll sing a different tune. I have seen tourist do some nasty stuff.

    • damion

      Sounds like u and your boy Boris r a couple of light weight pussies new Orleans is awesome I’m from Houma about 60 miles south of no… I’ve been to Austin and Texas sucks balls if u ask me

  • aasdf

    Yeah this article obvious is from someone who doesn’t know the city that well. Every city has cheap drinks and expensive drinks. So just like New Orleans this is the same thing. Even on Bourbon street you can get $2 domestic drafts or $7 drafts if you go into a more popular place. Obviously if you don’t know where to go then you could be going to the wrong places. Actually new orleans has had some of the cheapest and best drinks i’ve seen compared to many other cities.

    • Mr Lee

      If you guys want to speak of overpriced then visit my hometown of Miami, FL. Here you can get torn a new one but we every type of woman, though.

  • Wayne Jones

    As a native and a current resident, I can tell that your real issue with NOLA women is not knowing where, and how, to look for them. If you are anywhere NEAR the French Quarter, you are going to find exactly the kind of worn-out skanks you describe. Downtown in general isn’t going to be a focal point for attractive ladies. Sorry, it just isn’t. There are plenty of attractive ladies who WORK downtown, but that’s just it. They work there. They don’t tend to socialize after hours in that part of town.

    Frenchman Street has always had its share of whatever the trendy group is for a given generation. The same kids you call “hipsters” now would have called themselves “alternative” before (say, 1990s), and in the 80s they wouldn’t have really had a name per se. But they were there. The current generation is just that, the current generation. Of course they look stupid, whiny, and self-indulgent to us grown folks. That’s what kids DO.

  • Jack hogan

    I agree with a few things, but you’re trashing the city way too much. In my opinion it is without a doubt the most fun party city in America. It had gone to shit lately because of the Hollywood south crap and the hipster trend, but that shit is festering everywhere with the dramatic rise of highly superficial values. At least I can still stay out all night and drink on the street, and occasionally bang a chick if she’s not to much of a fucking snoot.

  • Mr. Iceberg

    Aimless cause. I was only able to get there one day and just about all the places along Bourbon are 21+ and filled with older folks. The people my age seemed too busy being alcoholics to have any real fun. Only in America…

    Those beignets had to be one of the best desserts I’ve ever had though.

  • Mr. Iceberg

    Hello! Maybe one of you can help me, maybe you can’t. Either way, I find the stuff on this site interesting.

    I’m currently a uni-student but I can’t drink by law and have no desire to drink anyway. I’ll be in town two days next weekend for some business and I already intend on checking out the dining and one dance club in particular with the other few guys I’m with.
    Can I expect to find a reasonable number of decent girls around my age or is it an aimless cause? I’d also like to hear any suggestions of any clubs I may not have come across.

  • swampwiz

    I second the recommendation on the Port of Call hamburger – and wash it down with a Neptune Monsoon.

  • Mike

    I just moved down here to New Orleans, and while I agree with basically the whole article, there are still places worth digging in to; they just tend to be off of the beaten path of the typical tourist areas. Uptown/Carrolton is very accessible to tourists (just off the streetcar) and there are still decent places to carouse there. Granted, there are gonna be a lot of Uni kids there, but that can work well in your favor if you play your cards right. Also, in the more adventurous areas of town there are some good times to be had, however I completely understand how this may seem a bit intimidating to first time tourists. But for the most part, the article is pretty accurate which is quite unfortunate. Also just stay away from Bourbon St., it really isn’t worth a shit.

  • Matt

    I moved down to New Orleans a little over a year ago, and I can back up pretty much everything in this article. Bourbon is an overpriced shithole, and while I enjoy Frenchmen Street, it is overrun by hipster douchebags. I haven’t been to the Davenport Lounge yet, but I’ll keep that in mind the next time I have friends that are visiting and looking for a good time. Quality article.

  • Roger

    Was last in New Orleans well before Katrina and the idea of it now being infested with hipster scum breaks my heart.

    And I could really murder a cafe du Monde beignet right now…

  • Valentina

    I would like to add Port of Call for awesome burgers!! :)

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