Fuck you, Cockblock!

Hey you! Yeah you, the less attractive, less friendly girl standing with the really cute girl at the bar I just met and realized I have lots in common with. You know, we’re actually hitting it off! She really smiled as soon as I came up and started talking to y’all and really seemed delighted to meet me.

But now you’re fucking everything up.

I’m trying to talk to your really cute and nice friend who shares my interest in travel and music and books, and you keep interrupting. And then you try to get her to turn away from me to talk to you.  Or you drag her off in the middle of our conversation. Why are you being so rude to me? I’ve been nothing but nice to you the whole time, and have ignored your little bitchy comments to me just because I like your friend. If I just met you alone and you talked to me like that you would have been put in your place a long time ago.

So your really cute smart friend tells me that she’s been single for a looong time. Like over a year! For such a cute nice girl that seems really weird. Hmmmm, I wonder.  She tells me she has trouble meeting guys. Weeeird…

And now you’re being a bitch again. When I tried to take her to the dance floor, she  told me, “my friend doesn’t like it when I dance with guys.” We danced anyway, but when we got back to the bar you were waiting there for us looking pissed off, and then you dragged her off again.

Don't Be A Cock Block!

Don't Be A Cock Block!

It’s like you’re her bodyguard! Every time I try to talk to her you’re there in the way acting really negative. Help! Where is my wingman? Oh that’s right, you drove him off long ago and now he’s already making out with a new girl. Fuck!! Good for him, though, she looks really cute.

Now when I ask for your friend’s number you tried to stop her from giving it to me. What the fuck? Why would you do that? I got her number anyway, you bitch.

Now what did you do? We made a date to go out for tonight, and then a couple hours later she called and backed out. She sounded so excited to go out when we talked on the phone the first time. What did you say to her? What did you do?!?

Now I see why she’s still single. It’s you. You are the worst friend she could have. You’re single, because you’re ugly and mean and negative and you don’t want your friend to be happy. If she had a boyfriend it would just make you feel even worse. So you ruin it for her too.

Fuck you! Fuck you!! Fuck you!!! You make the world a worse place. Why would a girl want to be friends with someone like you is always a mystery to me. Maybe you grew up together.  Maybe you work together and she doesn’t have any other single friends to go out with. Or maybe, you’re the uglier meaner stupider sister and you don’t want to sit through another wedding day alone. For whatever reason, you’re a blight on your friend’s life. You’re like Arafat turning down peace for his people. You’re like Kim Jong Il and you’ve brainwashed your people into thinking this shit is normal and acceptable. You’re miserable and you’re taking her down with you.

Fuck you, you cockblock!

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18 comments to Fuck you, Cockblock!

  • Carmo

    Did she just make a not joke? wow

  • ashley

    wow you sound like a real catch mikey, ill be sure to hook you up with my girlfriends not.

  • Mike

    Kylie you’re a fucking bitch. The girl I go clubbing with doesn’t go drinking with her female friends for that very reason. And no, I’m not trying to fuck her, we just like chilling and drinking. the last thing I need is some dumb ugly broad to play lifeguard.

  • An American Woman

    Back when I carried my school books on my back uphill for 27 miles to school in snow storms (you know 1987) this sort of thing never happened at bars, if you were the friend left at the bar, you sat down, lit a smoke and waited for a lush too inebriated to see straight to ask you if he could buy you a drink. Then if your friend left witha mr dancefloor, you made a pact that she tell you every assorted detail the next day. You went back to the bar and figured out how much plastic surgery would cost so you yourself could catch a mr dancefloor someday, just once.

  • Andrew

    Kylie you sound like a fat bitch. Go eat some carbs you over-sized hippopotamus. Come at me bro

  • Safado

    It would be nice to have an intelligent woman post a comment for a change. These shaming tactics that girls like Kylie use are very effective. They motivate guys to go elsewhere. Keep up the good work Kylie. The way the trend is going, the future will look something like a scene straight from the movie Idiocracy.

  • Jacques

    The optimist in me thinks you’re among the elite internet humorists working today. The rest of me hopes you stroke out trying to make it ALL THE WAY through a Body Pump class.

  • Jacques

    Kylie,

    I could agree with you, but the truth of the matter is the onslaught begins before it would be humanly possible to determine if Charlie were, in fact, filthy scum.

    I mean, he may actually BE filthy scum – I don’t know: My opinion is skewed because I’ve known him too long and he has taken care of my sick pets while I’m out of town and shit. But I guarantee you the disgusting DUFFer he is describing in this post didn’t give him the chance to prove his character one way or the other.

    The point of the story, whether or not it shines clear through Charlie’s righteous anger, is that just because a dude talks to you (or your infinitely hotter friend) doesn’t mean he’s trying to fuck you and forget you forever. Give him a fair shot and you may just be pleasantly surprised.

    Jacques

    • Kylie

      I will always cock block guys like you. You all suck!

      • Jacques

        Thanks for proving my point, moron. In one sentence you managed to A.) totally ignore an insightful response to your earlier rant, B.) dig in your well-worn heels and refuse to consider any further discussion on the topic and C.) lump all dudes into one unacceptable-to-you category.

        Charlie was right. You – just you, not everyone else who may or may not fit his mold – make the world a worse place. Go polish off some Ben & Jerry’s or something.

  • Kylie

    Did it ever occur to you that maybe we are just trying to protect our friends from filthy scum like you?

    • Why would they need your protection? Can they not decide for themselves? Is it their first day in the real world? Why be friends with other girls who can’t think for or take care of themselves? Sounds like your issues go a little deeper. Perhaps you should adopt a puppy so that you can keep it locked up in a cage in your house and nothing will ever hurt it and likewise it will never have any joy.

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