Deutschland! Deutschland!

Ah Germany, makers of fine luxury and sports cars, gummi bears, nymphomaniacs that are into dirty sex, lederhosen, bratwurst and the world’s finest beers. It is perhaps the only country where “sausage party” could possibly ever refer to an acceptable event you might want to attend.

I bet you can’t wait for me to get back to that whole “nymphomaniacs that are into dirty sex” thing… calm down Chief. I hate to burst your bubble but Germany is not a recommended destination to meet hot chicks. It’s true there is some very strong talent there, however that talent is rarer than in Eastern Europe and many other places, plus Germany is by no means cheap. Unfortunately Germany and the UK, not to be outdone by the United States, are currently engaged in a fat race. It’s kind of like the space race between the US and Russia except instead of the goal being landing a man on the moon the goal is to be the fattest country in the EU. Nevertheless, there are three good reasons to visit Germany:

1.) Your budget isn’t tight, you like beer, fast cars, no speed limits and just want to experience another culture and see some cool shit.

2.) Your budget isn’t tight and you’re importing your own talent.

3.) You are passing through en route to another destination. A lot of times you may find that the cheapest way to get somewhere involves a stopover and possible change of airline at a major European hub airport. You might find a mega deal on a major carrier to Frankfurt and then a super deal using Kyak (or similar site) on a smaller airline to your ultimate destination. If you change airlines you often end up spending the night. The most likely hubs you’ll pass through are going to be London, Paris or Frankfurt if you’re coming from the US. Milan or Amsterdam may also come into play but not as likely. Although Amsterdam has it’s merits Frankfurt is going to be the cheapest place to hang out of all those listed. Frankfurt will also have much better talent than London. Budget hotels can be had for as little as 25 – 30 EUR (book in advance), meals can found under 10 EUR and there is a solid nightlife scene. So all in all it’s not terrible to spend a day or two in Frankfurt, especially if you can save money doing it.

So what does Germany have to offer as a country? The major cities worth visiting are Frankfurt, Stuttgart, Munich and Berlin. Berlin is the largest and cheapest of the bunch although Munich is my personal favorite. Regardless of which city you chose, you can expect to find:

• A solid bar, lounge and club scene
• Beautiful historic architecture
• Plenty of “cultaral” activities (i.e. performing arts and museums)
• Cool cars
• Outstanding fine dining options for the cuisine of your choice
• Excellent hotels
• More beer and sausages than you can shake a stick at
• Nymphomaniacs

You’re a man, you can figure out most of those bullet points for yourself I’m sure but I bet you can’t wait to hear something about that last one… I usually do get laid when I visit Germany but the talent is tougher to come by and it will require relatively strong game most of the time. However, if you do manage to bag a German chick expect her to rock your world. My personal favorite experiences include:

• The cougar who could achieve orgasm simply by blowing me
• The 21 year old blond who I met online (more in a future article) that accompanied me to my hotel room minutes after meeting me and then virtually raped me as soon as we walked through the door
• The girl I met last night that showed me her thong and “tramp stamp” right in the bar but explained that “tramp stamps” are often referred to as Arschgeweih (literal translation “ass horns”) in Germany
• The girlfriend I had a few years back that would routinely bring home porn and sex toys completely of her own accord

You get the picture. If you’re here anyway it’s going to be worth your while to at least try to find some tail. If you have any doubts do two things for me, check out some German porn (just search for it online) and when you get to Germany check out how many sex shops there are, especially in absurd places like the airport.

El Matador is more optimistic on Germany than I am and adds the following:

Germany: Lot’s of very wild talent. They are faREEKS! The deal is that they are exceedingly intelligent and already think (and know) that Americans aren’t very educated or smart. So, what we lack in sophistication we can make up for with emotional dynamism. German guys are rather bland, monochromatic and boring. There is so much foreign traffic going through the major haunts in Germany that it’s an environment full of targets. All the drinking places in Munich are great. There’s no reason to be specific. I’m gonna make it even easier. The subway and bus system in Germany is so cool and modern, everybody uses it. If I had to only find talent on public transport in Germany, I wouldn’t be worried at all. I have met a number of stunners on the subway platform. And they love guys with the balls to ask them out.

Although I don’t think Germany is quite as good a pickup country as El Matador, he does bring up a very good point, with the advent of the EU there has been a mass exodus (including hot women) from Eastern Europe to Western Europe. So there is actually a very good chance some of the hot chicks you run into in Germany will not be German natives. The reason I don’t get as excited about the prospect as El Matador is simply because these chicks will probably have been “westernized” to some degree (which usually means, bitchier, more demanding and more materialistic) and it’s just way more expensive to do stuff. If you want to date Eastern European chicks why not catch them in their native environment where there’s more of them and everything is cheaper?

Before I move on to “cool things in Germany in general” I will give you a really hot tip of my own on where to meet some tail: The Hofbräuhaus. It’s kind of a touristy joint so you probably won’t meet German chicks there but you can meet them anywhere (see “Mr Day and Dr Night“). I don’t care how shy you are or how big of a douchebag you are, you have to be virtually retarded not to take some numbers from the The Hofbräuhaus. The Hofbräuhaus is a typical “German beer hall,” it’s totally for tourists and normally I avoid those places like the plague but The Hofbräuhaus is different. It’s usually jam packed, there are always 20-somethings that are traveling through Europe and they are always there on a mission: get totally fucking wasted! Beer is served in 1 liter mugs called Maßkrüge (singular “ein Maß”). For those of you that failed 3rd grade science class 1 liter is equivalent to nearly three 12 oz bottles or cans of beer. To put it another way, down two of them and you basically just drank a six pack. But perhaps the best part is the seating arrangement which consists of gigantic picnic tables that seat at least 12 or more. You will not and cannot get your own table, you can sit wherever you want but you’re going to be forced to sit with other people. All you have to do is select a table full of girls, say hello and go to town. If you can’t make the magic happen with girls drinking 1 liter mugs of beer like it’s going out of style you need to go back to the remedial class.

Finally, I would like to close this article with “Boris’ big list of cool shit to do in Germany.” Some of this stuff requires a serious bankroll and some of it doesn’t. This list is intended to be a la carte. Pick and choose what’s right for you.

• Take a lap in the Ring Taxi ($$$) on the Nürburgring (or drive yourself if you’re a badass, better rent something fast)
• Visit The Hofbräuhaus
• Go see Neuschwanstein castle
• Take a drive through the Black Forest (“Schwarzwald”), buy a cuckoo clock and eat some black forest cake
• Go take a picture of the Glockenspiel in Munich
• Visit Kloster Andechs (a brewery run by monks)
• Check out the history on crazy King Ludwig and the composer Wagner, visit the relevant museums and castles (Neuschwanstein is the best)
• Go to Oktoberfest, wear lederhosen and get extremely drunk (book one year in advance, I recommend the Hippodrom)
• Visit the Mercedes-Benz museum
• Visit the Porsche museum
• Visit the “secret” Porsche test facility, Weissach
• Take a tour of the Porsche factory (book six months to a year in advance)
• Take a girl to the Hotel Traube Tonbach ($$$) for a weekend (expect her to propose to you afterward)
• Take a drive up/down the Rhine river and do some wine tasting (note: white wine only unless you’re in Assmannshausen, and no I’m not shitting you on the name)
• If you’re fucking rich take European delivery of a Porsche and tear up the autobahn
• Stay in the Hotel Adlon ($$$) in Berlin
• Just rent a car, drive all over and go exploring

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